letter to my love.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by obscure, Mar 3, 2011.

  1. obscure

    obscure Active Member

    i basically wrote this explaining a LOT of intimate details of mental issues/eating disorders/unstableness with no intention of ever sending it to my boyfriend. i sent it. i dont know if he read it or took it seriously or anything because we havent talked all day. kind of panicky/worried. just wondering how you would react if you received this from a loved one..?

    "so, basically, im sick of fucking around with school and shit. and id rather make money doing something i hate than be in school not making money. well, actually, everythings gotten so bad i cant stand myself, physically, mentally, emotionally, at all. i need something mindless to do to distract me from how much i hate myself. its also entirely my fault that we're having problems because im not stable enough with myself to be able to be stable with you. im trying, and i know im a terrible girlfriend sometimes and sometimes i dont even come close to deserving you but im doing the best i can. i love you more than i know how to put into words and im trying so hard not to do something stupid and lose you. i want to be exactly what you want but im losing who i am and i think im going crazy and i cry like everyday and i feel like im always mad about something stupid and im soo sorry for it. im so insecure. i hate going in public, especially with you because of what other people think. i always assume the worst, i dont know why but i do. im really good at convincing everybody but me that im ok. im scared to death that im going to end up alone because im so distant, insecure and i honestly dont know if im capable of being with anyone for a long period of time without pushing them away and/or starting fights with the sub-concious intent of pushing them away. and now that im ranting, i feel guilty that its all about me. i literally put you above me. you are more important to me than i am myself. i would do anything for you and i feel bad for expecting anything in return. pretty much, id give you everything without a single expectation of something in return, i mean, itd be nice but i cant expect it because i havent been good enough. ever, not to you, not to my family, im just not a good person. you wanted to know all about me, well this is the stuff i hold in. oh, this ones good, i actually like cutting, not because of the blood or the pain or the reality of it but i like it because i have control over it. i know, i know, "eating disorders are about control" but the truth is, i was never really that good at being anorexic or bulimic. do you know how hard it is to not eat and force yourself to run, do jumping jacks, do any exercise? or how hard it is to binge and purge? and the worst part is, i only felt like more of a failure because i couldnt even have an eating disorder right. the scars on my arm are from myself, theres one thats not really visible running from my wrist to my elbow along the vein. i couldnt even kill myself right. ive also tried to hang myself and overdose. on many different things. way before i met you, when i was 16-18ish. that was when everything was the worst. i was getting better. i was doing so much better, im not sure what happened but this winter apparently i went way downhill. thank you for being there for me when i was a shitty girlfriend/just plain crazy. i do have a lot more control and willpower than everyone believes i do, however. mostly from being so stubborn about being good at being anorexic/bulimic. which has actually, surprisingly done me a lot of good over the years. i should be addicted to all kinds of bad shit just from having addictive genes in my dna. a lot of people were very concerned that i had a drinking problem a couple years ago, i should also be addicted to multiple drugs, smoking too. but im not, out of sheer willpower. you can actually tell my mood by my activity level. days like today where i dont even get dressed=very not good. the less activity i do (including just everyday things like getting dressed, etc) the lower my mood, the more depressed i am. just a helpful hint to dealing with me on a day to day basis. if this helps you be with me or helps you understand me, let me know, im sure ive got at least couple more of these i could write for you. im open to questions too. i tried to cover a wide array of my issues in this one but if theres anything i didnt mention that you want me to tell you about, feel free to ask. doesnt mean ill be ready to talk about it right away but its easier like this because i can pretend no ones going to read it and figure me, my secrets and my protection methods out. i love you baby. i hope this is at least some of what you wanted to know"
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you were able to write into words what is going on inside you and i hope it does help both you and your bf understand what your life is like hugs
     
  3. obscure

    obscure Active Member

    it took almost 2 years to get the courage to write it to him. and i sent it at about 2:30 am in a fit of tears. it was hard. and now im super worried because usually he texts me on his breaks and lunch at work but i havent heard from him.
     
  4. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Your last sentence indicates that he has been asking you about stuff so it seems that he is concerned?
    What you have written might be hard for him to take in but I hope you both talk about it.

    Love x
     
  5. obscure

    obscure Active Member

    he wants me to open up and hes asked fairly innocent questions throughout our relationship that i took wrong and shut him out. the guilt of not letting him in has really started taking a toll on me mentally, emotionally and phsyically so i wrote the letter. i didnt want to send it, it was more of a stress relief, just getting stuff out kind of letter. i felt i owed it to him to send it since hes been there for me, no questions asked when i refused to talk about anything, since day 1. he is concerned. im so lucky to have him even though i dont deserve him.
     
  6. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Allow yourself to deserve him and talk to him about the letter x
     
  7. obscure

    obscure Active Member

    we kind of fuel each other in that sense, he went through his parents divorce and didnt really have anyone to talk to so of course, hes not the biggest talker when it comes to personal stuff. im going to talk to him tonight when he gets home from work. no excuses.
     
  8. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    I hope it goes well when you talk to him. Well done for making that decision. x
     
  9. obscure

    obscure Active Member

    its the sane part of brain's favourite trick. send messages like that at ungodly hours of the morning when the rest of my brains asleep/too tired to notice, so i have to deal with it whether i want to or not. it works out well most of the time, not so much sometimes. but its worth it.