My attempt was an impulsive, desperate act to stop a spike of psychological pain, so I had no note. I have, however, written many notes in the past, although I doubt I will use any of them.
As far as I can tell, it's impossible to describe in words what total hopelessness is like. The only way I think comes close is that it's as if you are a large group of people, just dozens of people, walking across a frozen lake, when suddenly the ice cracks and collapses, and everyone struggles in vain to stay atop the ice, but it's impossible, and they continue to struggle until they're in the water, desperately trying to grip the edges of the ice, but it's hopeless, so they drown, and the last thing anyone sees is all their arms reaching up above the ice, until the ice flips and seals them under it. And all of those people are you.
Or something like that.