Letters from Clogland

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Sa Palomera, Apr 15, 2010.

  1. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Dear Madeleine,
    I know I have friends around me who care, yet when i feel really bad I push everyone away, but you. And even if I push you away you just keep coming back and back and back and back. And I know I tend to push everyone away as a sort of test, to see if they care enough. I don't mean to, but yet I do it time and again. And guess what, in the end the people actually do leave. You don't. I'm scared that you are and always will be the only constant factor in my life. The only one that'll always be there. Until you die. And then what am I supposed to do? You're six years old I know that at some point you will die. And I will feel alone again. I do now too, eventhough I have friends. I have some really good friends and I know I can turn to them whenever. But you know what I'm like.. I can't bother them. I already feel a proper bother talking to anyone from here about what's going on in my head, and this is a place created to vent and find support for things going on in your life...

    I just feel so lost and lonely. Like a constant aching, sometimes more present than other times, but only very few times have I not felt that emptiness in my heart.

    This doesn't mean I can't be happy, because I sure know what happiness is. I just kinda adjusted the meaning of happiness in my head throughout the years. I used to think 'happy' was when you didn't feel bad at all and when you weren't haunted by memories of ugly things in the past.. But throughout the years I realised that if I'd stick to that definition of 'happy', I'd never find happiness in my life and then I might as well end it straight away. It's all about adjustment really. I adjusted my definition of 'happy'. Nowadays I consider myself to be happy when I hang out with my mates talking to them and knowing they're there and when I'm cuddling you. Just knowing someone cares is happiness in my eyes. Well okay, realising someone cares is happiness. I always know that people care, but I don't actually realise it at times when I'm really really low.

    I feel like I ramble on and on most of the times, just some babbling. People tell me I'm not babbling, but I know I am, because the things I say either don't make sense, are bloody random or are in really bad english.
    So then I just start joking about, making fun of myself. I figure.. if anyone makes fun of me it should be myself.

    Anyway, see I'm rambling on again right now. You're laying there on the couch being all cute and lovely. Where the fuck would I be without you. I'd be nowhere, nothing.

    Love you, always,
    Your mommy, Ishtus xx
  2. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Dear Mother,
    Today I felt so horribly sick and rather low. This morning was alright, but after that I sank into that black hole of emptiness.. Spent the entire afternoon in bed, not being able to eat or anything. I got so bored. I texted one of my friends from work asking how things were over there and that I was bored and all. She called me like an hour later asking if it was okay if she'd stop by then. Obviously I agreed as I was bored shitless. She came in with this big ass bag full of fruit and juice and some things I eat/drink a lot and a magazine =) That cheered me up big time. I feel way less sick now too.

    I did call in to work saying that I'm not coming back yet tomorrow. Saturdays and Mondays I have off work anyway, so then I won't have to go back into work then until Tuesday. Plenty of time to recover. Besides I have this big gay party on Saturday which I really want to go to. And also I can't cancel that because my mate and I are going, just the two of us and I know just how bloody excited she is about it.

    However, I just wish you were here, making some tea for me and just taking care of me. *sigh* I get so jealous sometimes. I miss you like crazy. I want to talk to you and just spend time with you , ya know.

    Oh well, I guess, like we say over here, I'll have to row with the peddles I've got.

    Ik hou van je en ik mis je, mama.
  3. xXxRNBxXx

    xXxRNBxXx Senior member

    Aww ester :(

    Ive just read your letters

    :hug: i dont really know what i can say to cheer you up but I can make 2 promises that you cant say anything about and they are..


    I PROMISE!!!

    love you always xxxxx
  4. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    :arms: Thank you Rachel, means a lot to me :hug: :heart:
  5. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Dear Mandy,

    God, you cannot be serious about this. You honestly think I'm willing to forget what happened and just forgive you and build a friendship like that up with you again? You must be joking, right?!
    You fucked me over when I was at my lowest, you still owe me €400 euros and you cannot truly believe that I am not on to you. Seriously, THINK woman, THINK!

    You unblock me on MSN, after months of not replying to messages on Hyves and what not. You say that next week, you'll transfer part of the money you owe me to my account, I'll have to see before I believe that.

    Trust me, girl, I'm on to you. You have fucked a lot of friendships up lately and the chance to get back with the love of your life by screwing over his mother as well. And now you've been through some shitty things you feel lonely and realise that I was a good friend. I was always there for you. Fuck man, I called in sick at work a few times just to be there for you cos you were low. I woke you every fucking morning so you'd be up in time to go to school. I came with you when you visited your mother and stepdad, just so he wouldn't beat the shit out of you cos we knew he wouldn't dare doing that when you had someone there with you.
    I lend you money time and again, I fucking bought clothes for you and even bought you Nike Dunkies when you were low, cos I knew how much you liked them. And HOW many time did i go and buy cigs for you cos you were out of money??

    I know you've been there for me too, emotionally. You were there when I was having nightmares, You got me to stop selfharming. I barely drank anymore cos I knew how much shit you'd been through with your stepdad when he'd been drinking and all.
    And I know that there must be part of you inside that IS good and responsible. I'm sure there's part of you that doesn't mean to screw everyone over time and again.
    I mean, Madeleine loved you to pieces, and normally that means you're a good person, so surely there must be something good inside of you.

    But honest to god, I'm not falling for your manipulation again. I'm not an idiot. I may have been in the past, but no. Not anymore. You abused your past. Seriously. You USED the things you'd been through to get people to feel sorry for you and then you'd manipulate them. I see you trying to do that again. You know how much I always want to be there for everyone, even people I don't know. How much I want to help everyone. So first time you talk to me in months and straight away you start going on about what shit you been through and how you might be pregnant and what not.

    I get it, you're lonely. You and C are probably in a fight again and so you have nobody, so you are trying to rely on the goodness in me, and the will inside me to help everybody. Fuck that.
    Okay, I am willing to meet up with you again, to talk about things and I will listen to you (although that'll mainly be out of curiousity and not cos I care so much about you, because honestly I've lost all respect I've ever had for you).

    I'll come up to where you live, but trust me I can screw you over if you ever treat me like shit again and fuck me over. I will note your address and if you fuck me over I will give it to the landlord. Cos I'm sure he'd be more than willing to come over to your place and demand the €800 euros you still owe him. and I'm also pretty sure that he will be more than happy to send the bailiffs that've been coming here asking for you, over to your place.
    And then you're screwed, because they might find out about the drug-business the people you live with are involved in.

    But, me, being the person I am, I will not do any of that, unless you fuck me over big time again.

    so be, warned. I'm not much for revenge, but you've hurt me more than words can describe, so be careful what you do to me.

  6. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Dear Mother

    ... :cry:
  7. TheOncomingStorm

    TheOncomingStorm Well-Known Member

    Ester hun, big hugs your way :hug:
  8. xXxRNBxXx

    xXxRNBxXx Senior member

    awhhh ester babe :(

    I'm so sorry this has happened I really don't know what to say. I wish I was there to comfort you and make you feel better.

    I love you sooo very much and i hope your going to be ok tonight. I really cant stay on too late tonight im bck in work and allys back at school :( Im so sorry!

    love you always xxxx
  9. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    No worries thanks for your support :hug: :hug:
  10. brokenandlonely

    brokenandlonely Well-Known Member

    Est, ik hou van jou :hug: :wub:
  11. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Dear self,

    What the hell are you doing?? It's okay to drink when you don't have to get up till 11am, that is okay, but THIS? You can't even remember fuck all.
    FUCK ALL. You can't even remember calling Rachel, or Rachel calling you. and Lucy texting you. None of it you can remember. like wtf, Est. WHAT THE FUCK are you doing :dry:
  12. xXxRNBxXx

    xXxRNBxXx Senior member

    aww hope your ok hunny *hug* Love you so much xxx
  13. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Dear Fred,

    Sometimes I wonder if you're ever really proud of me. You haven't said those words to me in my life, never. Only last February, when I came over to your place for the first time in ages to talk things over and to try and get better contact with you again. I don't even know if you remember sayiing it, but it's just ridiculous that it takes me to break down and cry like a baby in front of you, J. and my sister, for you to say you are proud of me for getting where I am today, after everything that's happened.

    I cried so much that day we had that talk. And I don't cry in front of you guys. I just don't. When I was younger I would, out of anger, but not out of pure sadness.

    It just makes me feel like a bad person when you tell people about my sister the way you do. you sound so proud then. You never talk like that about me. I feel like I am (well I know I am) the black sheep of the family.
    it just saddens me, cos sometimes all a girl wants is for her father to be proud of her. And you just aren't.

    I wish you would listen to K's Choice - Dad. Those lyrics describe exactly how I feel about you.

    your other daughter.
  14. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Dear _

    It's pointless isn't it. That phonecall made me realise that all the more. We talked for over half an hour, and what was it about? Exactly.
    It's so fucking useless. It's so over for me, what's the fucking point anymore. There is no point.
  15. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Dear Mother

    Today I feel at peace with your death. I don't know where it came from or why, but I feel accepting of your death. I have had a good day overall really, which surprises myself even. I don't know what caused me to feel this okay, but it feels good (doh). If the weather stays this way, I'll go out and find a special place which I'll make 'our place' in like half an hour.
    Would be nice to have some sort of 'memorial' for you in the area, like a place where I can go when I miss you or am having a bad time. cos I would love to go to your grave, but it's so far away. I actually feel like I have the strength to go there today, but it's too far away to go now. it takes a total of 2.5hrs to get there, not to mention how much it costs to get there!

    I worked pretty hard today, feels like I did more than I've done in ages, eventhough I did spend a fair bit just standing around talking to a friend, haha!

    Oh you should've been here to see the fight that's enrolling within dad's family. All of a sudden I get this email off the sollicitor, about the inheritance regarding Fien's house.. It's all complicated, but comes down to dad's brother H. making a lot of fuss and starting shit.
    I'm telling you, I'm gonna end up having to pay rather than to get anything :laugh:

    Anyway, I miss you loads and wish you could be here to see me. I'm trying my best to make you proud, mum.
    Love you, always :heart:
  16. xXxRNBxXx

    xXxRNBxXx Senior member

    Awh babe i think thats a lovely idea, i lvoe you so much and im so proud of you xxx
  17. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Dear Rowena

    FUCK YOU. Fuck YOU very very MUCH!
    Don't think you can beat me down with your manipulative ways. In the end, I'll be the adult, and you will have your childishness thrown in your face.
  18. SaidDave

    SaidDave Banned Member

    *hug :) and such