A dark hole in my heart, In my mind, The whole part, It eats away, At the flesh of mind, Boiling it, Rotting it, Making it theirs, the joy of life is changed, all meanings are different, happiness, is no more, nothingness, is eternal. Dad, I love you so much, but things between us lately have hurt me in ways you could never imagine. I don’t blame you, so please don’t blame yourself. Goodbye. Grandma and Grandpa. You both are wonderful people. I love you both so much. Maybe I’ll drop in with you sometime, Grandma. Goodbye. Help is not for me, Try and try you may, But forever shall there, Never be a way. Hey, Dany… Holy **** am I going insane. I bought my first pack of cigarettes the other day. I baught it the day before me and mom came to see you, I think. Smoking… it makes me feel weak. I can barely stand after I smoke just one cigarette. Maybe its interfering with my medications. Hehe. Long term suicide I guess. I just had a cigarette about a half hour ago, afterwards I was stumbling around and ate everything in sight until I got sick and puked it all up. I literally believe I am going insane. Self mutilation crap, avoiding church, thinking of suicide every ****ing day. Crying my head out, nto wanting to live. Twitching, weakness… I love it. I want more, I want to die, you know? I need to be in a hospital. But it wont help. Once im in there it will take away the instigators, the problems in my life and I’ll be A Okay. The ntheyll release me, and it will all come back. Why the **** is this entire paragraph indented? Wtf… This is bull**** >.> Stupid ****ing computer. Ah… there we go. I forgot my medications lastnight. Im really tweaking out. I love you. I’m listening to queen of the damned soundtrack “why wont you die?” “you fell away, what more can I say, the feelings evolved, I wont let it out, I cant replace, Your screaming face, Feeling the sickness inside, Why wont you die? Your blood in mine, We’ll be ? Then your body will be mine, So many words, Can’t describe my face, This feeling evolved, So soon to break out, I cant relate, To a happy state, Feeling the blood run inside Why wont you die? Your blood in mine, We’ll be fine, Then yoru body will be mine, Why is everything so ****ing hard for me? Keep me down to what you think I should be? Must you temp me and provoke to ministry? Keep on trying I’m not dying so easily, I will not die” That’s a good song for me. Weird how I just had my itunes on random and it came up like that. Lets see what the next sogn will be shall we? Waiting… Waiting… Waiting… Korn-? Awesome song also. ****ing Hell, I feel so damned Evil. How bout some ICP?! Haha, I love them Now its manson. I cry inside, Alone and weak, Wet from tears, Of pain and sorrow, Darkness surrounds me, Forevermore, I will not become, What I wanted to be, But I shall become, What I longed to be. I don’t know when it will come, or if it will. I must bring it apon myself. I cannot find a solution non other than this. I have to take my own life. I absolutely must. Things in my life are circumstantial. As it stands, I cannot continue. They say suicide is the conclusion people come to when they have no other solution to a problem. I have no more solutions. My one other way out of the situation is taking its not so sweet time, and has put me in a pinch. Farewell. I know you must care, But it is without merit, That you continue your work, You do what you feel you must do, To save the lost souls of mankind, Some can be saved, Others, Are not so lucky, And yet, I feel lucky, To be one of the few, Who know the truth. I love you, Blind as you are, To my ever pulsing heart, You moved on and left me behind, The only nutrition, To my pulsing heart, Gone, My head hurts, The pain will not cease, My heart is now black, Like lungs of a smoker, Who has no more oxygen. It closes in on me, I can feel its pressure, The darkness surrounding me, The heat stealing fissure, I am beyond help, Today and forever, You cannot do a thing for me, But slow its progress. life is not fair, why do you care, I am lost, Whats the cost, To save a soul like mine. Mom, you one of my favorite people in my life, maybe my most favorite. I am sorry I had to do this to you. But I could not live on. Goodbye My life so bleak, My body so weak, I can’t live on like this, The feelings of pain, Sorrow and grief, I scream inside, Lifeless and dark, Death will overtake me, I will not live on. Save yourself, From this madness, Stay away, And let it consume, I am beyond help, Let me rest in peace. What is the truth you ask? You would not understand, It takes someone of my mental capacity, To barely comprehend Gods work, I realize things on a daily basis, Things that some would shrug off. Where am I, But in the depths of Hell, I cannot live on, I must not tell, You have to leave me, Or I will consume you, You have to believe me, Or you’ll fall along-side. You can do one last thing for me. It hurts me deep inside to think of it, but it is my final solution other than suicide. Though I fear once I enter such a place, that everything will be fine, all my worries will disappear, and they will release me. And once again, the problems will return. Its happened before, my last time going into such a place. So… therefore, though it is a temporary fix, the repairs will break. Its like putting duct tape on a leaky dam. The tape may hold, but not forever.