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Letting Down

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Sa Palomera, Jul 18, 2008.

  1. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    How do you prevent yourself from letting your better half down?
    If you've got certain habits which are very hard, if not impossible, for you to quit completely, and you just can't quit it yet. But you know your partner hates them.
    What do you do?
  2. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Well if my partner loves me, then she must accept me as who i am
  3. Clockwork Reality

    Clockwork Reality Well-Known Member

    Realize that no relationship is perfect, and you must both make concessions.

    However, a lot of this depends on the context of these habits, and how badly they disrupt your relationship. Is it something relatively minor, like toilet seats, or is it something larger, like drinking or gambling?
  4. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    i wish i knew the answer to that.
    I love my other half so much, yet i always seem to let him down, all the time.

    When i last attempted he was so disapointed in me :blub:

    I get i just always try. i go to the docs and take my meds and he loves me enough dispite all my mess ups to just love me for trying.
  5. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    explain to them what you're going through and hopefully they'd give you space and let you work out issues in your own time.

    usually i distance myself. in my relationship/s there's always been distance and i'm used to it.

    i'm always 'letting people down' though just by who i am.
    ie. i talk a lot and get very angry with things (i dunno who wouldn't be in my situation).
    usually my gf just kicks me out of her house while kissing me and hugging me and laughing, so i think we've just compromised in that way :laugh: i don't feel hurt by her anymore ("keep quiet, you're talking too loud, whisper, you're talking too fast, shhh" the way she says it i do what she says and it doesn't hurt)

    i usually feel i 'let others down' by letting people know that i feel shit.
    it's been a long standing thing.
    "i can't let anyone know i feel bad"

    i thought it was my fault for feeling like that. i know now that people i know can't cope with me and i'm not expecting them too. i'm just hoping that they are listening to my screams and taking note of what is upsetting me because i don't usually let people know, or express things like 'i feel suicidal'. lately i told my gf just to not say anything, just let me speak, and she did. and i felt better. usually she says things like 'what would make you feel better' and i start yelling, "when i get to this point, there's nothing that would 'make me feel better' because when i get to this point, it means i've got to a bad point."

    in any relationship there has to be compromise. if somebody was repeatedly not listening to me, or not taking any action, then i'd think that they'd think they were trying to stand their ground for reasons which i couldn't understand (blindness, selfishness, deeper personal issues,).
  6. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Well I used to have a drinking problem, and this week I've been drinking a lot again. But I know it's only this week. On Monday I'm going back to work, so the drinking will stop then.
    At the moment it's just a coping mechanism for me.

    What made me post this isn't just my situation though, but also some of my mates.
    Like 2 of my friends both have a boyfriend who plays World of Warcraft. And sometimes (or actually quite often) they get no attention at all, cos the guys are playing WoW. It just got me thinking about how far one must go in their hobbies and habits to please their other half. And when is it justified for the other to feel let down by their partner cos of a habit.

    If I'd have a boyfriend who plays WoW, where should the line be drawn? Would it be justified for me to feel let down if he'd play WoW for 3 hours every evening, when I want attention?
    And like, if I've overcome a drinking problem a while ago and now have one week of binge drinking again to cope with certain situations, am I letting my girlfriend down then? Cos I do feel like I am :sad:
  7. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I've got the same with feeling like I'm letting others down when I tell them if I feel down. And due to some events recently with 2 of my best mates, I have started to completely shut people out when I feel shit. I don't want to bother anyone anymore, nor do I trust people anymore. 1 of my best mates has emotionally 'abandoned' me for her boyfriend, and the other one has turned out to have lied about nearly everything in his life and on top of that he's been 'losing' stuff from other people.
    This is why I've been shutting people out more and more lately, and as a result I feel lonely and turn to the bottle. But only when I don't have to work the next day, and I know it'll get better once the liar has been kicked out of the house and once my other best mate has moved in with her boyfriend.
    Patience is the key here.
    But meanwhile I do feel like I'm losing everyone cos I can't talk to anyone and am letting everyone down by drinking so much again.

    I know my girlfriend is just scared that I'll fall back into the alcohol abuse and that I'll end up in the same shit like I was in last year, but I've told her this is only temporary.
    I don't want to let her (or anyone else for that matter) down..
  8. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    :hug: I completely see where you're coming from. Maybe we are at similar places where 'shutting off people' means getting into real horrible self destructive cycles- this is where I know there is a risk of me deterioating with anorexia/self harm (in your case alcohol) and this is where I'm really terrified and need to sort my way of coping out. Maybe you're at a similar place too?

    As for drinking this week, I know it's difficult if you've been in a horrible cycle before, but try and not beat yourself up about it. I've found with my binge/purging I sometimes let myself do that once, or twice, as a way of stress relief and then I don't get into a horrible cycle that lasts months and takes its toll on me physically/mentally. Drinking this week does sound like it's the only way you can cope right now and you're not letting anyone down by coping the only way you know how.

    And from what you've told me you do sound very confused, betrayed, neglected with your GF and I know those feelings all too well.

    I know the feeling about friends emotionally abandoning you for their boyfriends. It's happened to me in the past too and that hurt a lot.

    :hug: I hear you. I do. Take care of yourself and treat yourself gently.
  9. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I've also been with people who play video games way too much and not pay attention to me. That really pissed me off...:dry: I think feeling left out is understandable there.

    I don't know if that helped but, yeah. When it comes to habits like that, there has to be compromise from where I stand.

    But when it comes to your only way of coping (alcohol) you have to give yourself allowances and look at why you're doing that, and there are reasons. That's where I think there is a difference between playing video games as a distraction and having a serious alcohol problem linked to so many psychological issues that you're battling with.

  10. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the reply. :hug:
    I guess love is all about compromising :dunno:
  11. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    yeah it is, in relationships. but i think there has to be a balance in compromise. if you're harming yourself because of another then that's where it gets unsafe. there has to be two people who actually have to love themselves first and can listen to the other's problems and can step back, take some action with their own behaviour or at least have an open discussion so things get listened to and things get agreed on.

    take care of yourself. xx