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Letting everyone down and want to disappear

Mr Polite

SF Supporter
#1
Hi all
I’m in really bad way this morning. The anxiety and low mood are just too much for me to deal with anymore. I feel desperate. I have a safety plan but it seems futile now.
I’ve spent every day for last few months pretending I’m ok, trying to be a good dad and trying to engage with people,and then every so often I break I have a wave of destruction that I cannot bear.
I feel angry at the help I get from my doctor. He does call every other week but always forgets what meds I’m taking. There is no space in the local community team. I’m seeing a therapist via zoom but can’t connect in 2d. She’s encouraging my to fill my life with other yhings to give to anxiety less power and to accept it. But how do I do that when it is ripping my life apart. Nothing holds any meaning. I’m just an actor and I can’t act anymore.
I wake at 4 am most days and think about my daughter, she’s only three and I feel like I can’t cope with her and I’m letting her down. I wish away each day. That’s a terrible thing for a parent to say.
 

Morpheus78

Active Member
#2
I empathize with how you feel. Back in 2018, I was holding my sleeping baby girl at church listening to my two other kids singing. All I could think of was how I needed to end my life. It would make it so much better for my kids.
At times, I feel like a terrible actor at life. One with little to no emotion, I can’t believe that people don’t see my red eyes and puffy eye lids and the dried tears on my cheeks. My numbness is so bad currently that I don’t feel anything when hugging, cuddling or playing with my three kids. I ask myself all the time what use am I as a father.
My three kids are beautiful kids but they can be little shits too. I came home from work and found my wife rolled up in a ball in our bedroom with the door closed. She wouldn’t even respond to me. At times, we can barely stand with our kids and they seem to aggravate things. My kids are a major trigger of mine right now. Bringing back the super strong suicidal thoughts.
I am sorry to say that if you have pretty much hit bottom. You can’t go any lower. Keeping fighting for the help that you need. Do it for you and your daughter. Your daughter will be so happy when she grows up that you are still there in her life. When you have made it through the storm, you will be grateful that you held on just a little longer. Please reach out to me, if you want to chat.
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#3
Hi all
I’m in really bad way this morning. The anxiety and low mood are just too much for me to deal with anymore. I feel desperate. I have a safety plan but it seems futile now.
I’ve spent every day for last few months pretending I’m ok, trying to be a good dad and trying to engage with people,and then every so often I break I have a wave of destruction that I cannot bear.
I feel angry at the help I get from my doctor. He does call every other week but always forgets what meds I’m taking. There is no space in the local community team. I’m seeing a therapist via zoom but can’t connect in 2d. She’s encouraging my to fill my life with other yhings to give to anxiety less power and to accept it. But how do I do that when it is ripping my life apart. Nothing holds any meaning. I’m just an actor and I can’t act anymore.
I wake at 4 am most days and think about my daughter, she’s only three and I feel like I can’t cope with her and I’m letting her down. I wish away each day. That’s a terrible thing for a parent to say.
Good morning @Mr Polite. Three is a very rough age. They are super demanding. You really have to focus on yourself though first. My appointments with the doctor as re over the phone. But before that it was in person and I was feeling very low, so he added another med for me. I'm not a doctor, but maybe that's something to discuss.

Your life has value although it doesn't feel that way as you go through the motions. Also, you deserve peace and to contentment in life. When I was honest with my doctor it did help, although my life is still not perfect I don't want to die anymore. I'm not always always sure what to say when reaching out, but as a father, you are giving a lot of yourself and need to replenish.

My daughter cried to me once that I spent so much time in bed, that was my escape. She said it's hard to have a mother that's depressed. Overall, I'm glad I kept at trying. We care about you here and wish you well.
 

Mr Polite

SF Supporter
#4
I empathize with how you feel. Back in 2018, I was holding my sleeping baby girl at church listening to my two other kids singing. All I could think of was how I needed to end my life. It would make it so much better for my kids.
At times, I feel like a terrible actor at life. One with little to no emotion, I can’t believe that people don’t see my red eyes and puffy eye lids and the dried tears on my cheeks. My numbness is so bad currently that I don’t feel anything when hugging, cuddling or playing with my three kids. I ask myself all the time what use am I as a father.
My three kids are beautiful kids but they can be little shits too. I came home from work and found my wife rolled up in a ball in our bedroom with the door closed. She wouldn’t even respond to me. At times, we can barely stand with our kids and they seem to aggravate things. My kids are a major trigger of mine right now. Bringing back the super strong suicidal thoughts.
I am sorry to say that if you have pretty much hit bottom. You can’t go any lower. Keeping fighting for the help that you need. Do it for you and your daughter. Your daughter will be so happy when she grows up that you are still there in her life. When you have made it through the storm, you will be grateful that you held on just a little longer. Please reach out to me, if you want to chat.
Thanks. I am so sorry you've felt similar. I can't imagine how tough that must with three children - particularly over the last year. I actually found the first couple of years of having my daughter was a nice and welcome distraction from myself, but that seems to have turned full circle big time, where being with her is like holding a mirror to myself with intense feelings of shame and guilt - like you say, she feels like a trigger now, particularly when playing up as I cant cope.

Thank you for your words of encouragement, likewise drop me a line anytime.
 

Mr Polite

SF Supporter
#5
Good morning @Mr Polite. Three is a very rough age. They are super demanding. You really have to focus on yourself though first. My appointments with the doctor as re over the phone. But before that it was in person and I was feeling very low, so he added another med for me. I'm not a doctor, but maybe that's something to discuss.

Your life has value although it doesn't feel that way as you go through the motions. Also, you deserve peace and to contentment in life. When I was honest with my doctor it did help, although my life is still not perfect I don't want to die anymore. I'm not always always sure what to say when reaching out, but as a father, you are giving a lot of yourself and need to replenish.

My daughter cried to me once that I spent so much time in bed, that was my escape. She said it's hard to have a mother that's depressed. Overall, I'm glad I kept at trying. We care about you here and wish you well.
Thank you, Lane. How is your relationship with your daughter now? I worry that mine has seen me cry so much recently that it will effect her body somehow. Did you have someone else to help you look after her when couldnt? My wide does try but she is struggling to carry the weight, which is understandable. I am hoping once lockdown measures are reduced we can get some further support. I'm glad you are on a better track now. It's the self care stuff I really struggle with and something I'm also trying to work through with my therapist. I don't think I received a huge amount of compassion growing up, and probably as a result have problem solving, competitive and self critical mind, which doesn't get me very far when I need to be kind to myself.
Yes, I'm trying to get an appointment with psychiatrist to discuss my medication, I just don't feel my GP really understands what I say to him. Easier said than done though.
 

Mr Polite

SF Supporter
#6
I empathize with how you feel. Back in 2018, I was holding my sleeping baby girl at church listening to my two other kids singing. All I could think of was how I needed to end my life. It would make it so much better for my kids.
At times, I feel like a terrible actor at life. One with little to no emotion, I can’t believe that people don’t see my red eyes and puffy eye lids and the dried tears on my cheeks. My numbness is so bad currently that I don’t feel anything when hugging, cuddling or playing with my three kids. I ask myself all the time what use am I as a father.
My three kids are beautiful kids but they can be little shits too. I came home from work and found my wife rolled up in a ball in our bedroom with the door closed. She wouldn’t even respond to me. At times, we can barely stand with our kids and they seem to aggravate things. My kids are a major trigger of mine right now. Bringing back the super strong suicidal thoughts.
I am sorry to say that if you have pretty much hit bottom. You can’t go any lower. Keeping fighting for the help that you need. Do it for you and your daughter. Your daughter will be so happy when she grows up that you are still there in her life. When you have made it through the storm, you will be grateful that you held on just a little longer. Please reach out to me, if you want to chat.
I forgot to asks, do you take medication at the moment? I have a similar numbness to affection with my daughter. I worry its the antidepressant making me like this, but then I think it is probably the anxiety and depression.
 

Morpheus78

Active Member
#7
I forgot to asks, do you take medication at the moment? I have a similar numbness to affection with my daughter. I worry its the antidepressant making me like this, but then I think it is probably the anxiety and depression.
Currently, I am off medications. They were making me too much like a zombie, too groggy and so on. The medications for my pain were also making me groggy without reducing the pain. So I stopped which a big no no on your own. At times, I feel the medicines were causing the numbness to affection. Currently, it is the massive depression that is kicking my butt. So I suspect, for me it was a mixture. Anhedonia, the lack of pleasure, can have multiple causes. From what I have read it can be improved by medicine or worsened by some medications.

I didn’t feel that I was getting a good enough answer or response from my provider so I am looking for another one that will be more responsive.

I am working, trying to finish school, trying to find a new job, trying to be husband and father. My parents are both declining pretty fast. Now, I am getting triggered with a MDD with suicidal ideation because of my childrens’ ages. I am mess right now. My wife tells me that I have given her my PTSD. Probably true. I know that our depressions feed off of each other’s. It is hurting my wife that I was triggered and it resurfaced strong feelings for my ex which I told my wife about.

P.S. I have our youngest girl, 3 year old wrestling with me in bed while I am responding so sorry for any typos. It is not giving me the enjoyment that it should.

Take care.
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#8
Thank you, Lane. How is your relationship with your daughter now? I worry that mine has seen me cry so much recently that it will effect her body somehow. Did you have someone else to help you look after her when couldnt? My wide does try but she is struggling to carry the weight, which is understandable. I am hoping once lockdown measures are reduced we can get some further support. I'm glad you are on a better track now. It's the self care stuff I really struggle with and something I'm also trying to work through with my therapist. I don't think I received a huge amount of compassion growing up, and probably as a result have problem solving, competitive and self critical mind, which doesn't get me very far when I need to be kind to myself.
Yes, I'm trying to get an appointment with psychiatrist to discuss my medication, I just don't feel my GP really understands what I say to him. Easier said than done though.
I don't think GP can really get into those issues so I have to agree with you there. My daughter and I get along pretty well. She's strong willed and tries to be self-reliant and I'm lucky in that respect. I was also fortunate that her father was very involved growing up, during the formative years and even now, at age 17. We aren't together.

Self care is difficult but try to be "selfish". It's interesting how we are kinder to there more than ourselves. But at least we can try to do small things, such as get a new much needed piece of clothing, haircut..cup of coffee, take a walk. I find it helps if you work it into a schedule. Coming on here is self-care for me, every morning. It's helped me heal.

Good luck with the appointment with your psychiatrist. That can do wonders too.
 

Champagne

✯✯ Heart of an angel ✯✯
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#9
Hi @Mr Polite

A belated welcome to the forum.

I'm truly sorry to hear of how you are feeling lately, may I ask are you on any anti anxiety medication? If not, is there any particular reason? They could make the world of difference to you. Anti depressants can be good for both but benzodiazepines are great at keeping it at a minimum and to not interrupt your day with unwanted thoughts but be careful as they can be addictive if that is what you get prescribed.

Ask your doctor about anti anxiety medication, also cut out caffeine, people sometimes think caffeine is innocent but its not so innocent when you have debilitating anxiety, also try exercise, even small walks or work outs can make a big difference.

Keep talking to us, we're here to support you and to help you get well again so you can be a happy and cheerful person in your daughters life.

Oh and as a side note, when you suffer from high anxiety its important you get enough sleep. I've been dealing with debilitating anxiety for a long time, getting enough sleep is a major factor alongside my anxiety medication and care workers.

Good luck going forward.
 
#10
Hi @Mr Polite

A belated welcome to the forum.

I'm truly sorry to hear of how you are feeling lately, may I ask are you on any anti anxiety medication? If not, is there any particular reason? They could make the world of difference to you. Anti depressants can be good for both but benzodiazepines are great at keeping it at a minimum and to not interrupt your day with unwanted thoughts but be careful as they can be addictive if that is what you get prescribed.

Ask your doctor about anti anxiety medication, also cut out caffeine, people sometimes think caffeine is innocent but its not so innocent when you have debilitating anxiety, also try exercise, even small walks or work outs can make a big difference.

Keep talking to us, we're here to support you and to help you get well again so you can be a happy and cheerful person in your daughters life.

Oh and as a side note, when you suffer from high anxiety its important you get enough sleep. I've been dealing with debilitating anxiety for a long time, getting enough sleep is a major factor alongside my anxiety medication and care workers.

Good luck going forward.
Hi @Mr Polite

A belated welcome to the forum.

I'm truly sorry to hear of how you are feeling lately, may I ask are you on any anti anxiety medication? If not, is there any particular reason? They could make the world of difference to you. Anti depressants can be good for both but benzodiazepines are great at keeping it at a minimum and to not interrupt your day with unwanted thoughts but be careful as they can be addictive if that is what you get prescribed.

Ask your doctor about anti anxiety medication, also cut out caffeine, people sometimes think caffeine is innocent but its not so innocent when you have debilitating anxiety, also try exercise, even small walks or work outs can make a big difference.

Keep talking to us, we're here to support you and to help you get well again so you can be a happy and cheerful person in your daughters life.

Oh and as a side note, when you suffer from high anxiety its important you get enough sleep. I've been dealing with debilitating anxiety for a long time, getting enough sleep is a major factor alongside my anxiety medication and care workers.

Good luck going forward.
Hi champagne, thanks I appreciate your message and your kindness.
I was in a low dose of citalopram for about 3 years but when things started ramping up in January the crisis team moved onto a higher dose of escitalopram. They then discharged me so I just have gp support now and he said he’d never prescribed escitalopram, which doesn’t help. I’ve been on it for a couple of months and feeling no real benefit. I take diazepam sometimes but it only helps if I take regular small doses which the doctors advise me against. I just feel lost with medication side if things. I’m not feeling any benefits but don’t have the strength to change things. Nor do I feel supported in that way land I feel angry at the system.
My sleep is all over place tbh, I occasionally take an antihistamine to help but they make me feel so groggy.
I do exercise, I’m normally a keen cyclist and swimmer so still do bits of cycling and hopefully my pool opens soon.
Feeling really awful again today, I’ve got to somehow get through but I just want to get off this never ending hamster wheel and curl up and cry. I’m trying so hard to hang in there but no one seems to recognise my effort, people only recognise the stuff I can’t do any more.
I told my mum I felt suicidal yesterday and now I just feel guilty she’ll think it’s her fault.
 

Champagne

✯✯ Heart of an angel ✯✯
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#11
Hey again, I don't blame you for feeling angry at the system at all. In my humble opinion, I don't think they should have discharged you without letting your doctor know or giving a notice to your doctor telling them you are now on X dose of escitalopram. Just 'cos he never prescribed it, you have to suffer? Challenge that when you are calm is my advice.

Do you think it would help if you changed your doctor? They do not seem to helping you much, its a mixed bag really when it comes to standard doctors and mental health in some places.

Regarding the zoom therapy, I do believe therapy is an essential so maybe you would be reaching full potential with therapy if it was in person sessions perhaps?

I'd tell the doctor you're unhappy (not just with their communication) and see if they can offer any alternative solutions.

I'm sorry you are feeling guilty, please don't, she's your mom and I think she would rather know than not know so that she could help you and take some pressure off. Have a chat with her about it later, there's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed or guilty about, its an illness just literally any other illness. I'm sure you wouldn't feel guilty for breaking your leg so please don't put pressure on yourself and feel guilt on top of everything else.

It is good to hear that you have found Diazepam helps, maybe ask for an increase in that but again be aware it is addictive.

Wishing the best for you and hope you find some solution with this doctor if not another. You keep yourself distracted, safe and above all, determined to get better because you can with the right help and support in place.
 
#12
I told my mum I felt suicidal yesterday and now I just feel guilty she’ll think it’s her fault.
I think it's really good that you reached out to her. She may not know what to do, but at least you've given her a chance to understand and support you, which is something I think every person who loves a suicidal person wants.

I’m not feeling any benefits but don’t have the strength to change things
That's a tough position to be in.

I hope things can get better. I'd like to help if I can.
 
#13
I think it's really good that you reached out to her. She may not know what to do, but at least you've given her a chance to understand and support you, which is something I think every person who loves a suicidal person wants.


That's a tough position to be in.

I hope things can get better. I'd like to help if I can.
Thanks May, I’d appreciate any bright ideas 🙂 🙏
 
#14
You're welcome!
I’d appreciate any bright ideas
Well, I have ideas, I'll leave it to you to judge if they are bright.

While there are a lot of different thing that you could do to try to treat depression, anxiety, and insomnia, some treatment methods may be out of reach at the moment if you don't feel the strength to make changes. Personally, when I was at my low point, I found that dietary changes were really helpful, because they required so little effort. There's more about dietary changes in the first link below. What worked for me was trying to eat only freshly cooked foods served warm. Even if I didn't eat freshly cooked foods, microwaving made it easy to make everything warm.

This link has a lot of information about treatment methods, from conventional treatment to alternative and self-treatment methods:

Treating Depression, Anxiety, Insomnia, Pain; Other Suicide Help

This link has a list of books that can be "prescribed" by therapists in the UK. The Reading-Well site is sponsored by the NHS.

https://reading-well.org.uk/books/books-on-prescription/mental-health

Some of the titles on sleep, anxiety, and depression may be worth checking out.

I’ve been on it for a couple of months and feeling no real benefit
If you've taken an antidepressant for more than six weeks and haven't experienced any benefits, it's unlikely to work for you. I know that switching to a new drug may be too difficult for you at the moment, but if you can make a change eventually, that may be one of the best things you can do.

I'll try adding another post about the subject of antidepressants, but it may take me a while.

I hope something can help.
 

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