Letting Everything About Me Out..

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by MiraWolf95, Sep 25, 2010.

  1. MiraWolf95

    MiraWolf95 Account Closed

    For days now I've debated if I should post a thread or not since I'm so bashful and ashamed to talk about myself, but I really need to say some stuff. Its like I'm never happy with myself. I think I'm Bipolar like my father is, but still I can't stand how I am. Since I was 13, I been depressed on and off and sometimes suicidal. I am now 15, so my teenage years so far have been spent being upset and trying to cope with changes. I miss being younger just cause I felt better. My life being younger though was lived off of lies I didn't know about at the time, but still I just felt better and had more energy and life in me. I still seem like a kid in ways though. I don't want my permit or license one day cause I'm terrified of driving like my grandmother was. I can't cook anything except for Tacos. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life except be there for my mom like I am now. I've been that way since I was 5, when I was little and people asked what we wanted to be, I never would say nothing. I fear also getting older cause she gets older as well. If something ever happens to her, I would have no purpose to be living anymore. Everyone always tells me "yes you would, you would get married, have kids, and live a good life". To be honest, since I was little I've also said that I never want to get married and I never want kids. That life just isn't my cup of tea.
    Even if I really loved someone I wouldn't marry them cause I don't believe in marriage. I never have, I know I'm weird. I even had a boyfriend that broke up with me one time cause I told him I'd never marry him or have kids with him. People tell me that I'll change my mind about everything. To be honest, I hope I never do. I don't believe in God either and I don't believe I can survive in life and meet society's standards. I'm a rebel loner who just enjoys writing, blasting music, and nature. I also love Animals. Since I love animals so much, I often get told I should be a veterinarian. I don't really wanna be one though cause its to much pressure on me to know that an animals life would be in my hands. Sure it would feel wonderful to help an animal, but I just don't want that kind of pressure of hurting one from a mistake.

    I'm really not that much worth anything anyways since I'm lazy, unorganized, and careless. I have terrible memory, listening skills, and I can't focus on one task or conversation well. I might also be ADHD but I don't know. I just can't function or have goals like a regular human! I never wanna be famous or well known.. I just want my mother to be proud of me. So far all she does is worry about me and mention how different I am and how worthless I can be. Shes always comparing me to other people my age saying why aren't I doing stuff they are doing. Why do I hate going to parties, hate making a ton of friends, and hate staying at peoples houses. The definition for how I am though is I'm Just Like My Dad. 100000% like him. Him and my mother have been divorced for 10 years now so he lives with his boyfriend after admitting he was really Gay and not Straight or Bisexual but tried to be. I'm Straight, but my personality is like his. He never leaves his house hardly, doesn't have a job cause hes disabled, hates being around people, but he can't stand to live alone. He just loves keeping to his self and living life the way he wants to. Not the way society expects people to live. I do believe my lifestyle is gonna be like his as well. I'm gonna live with my mom and step dad like I'm doing now and help them out with raising my sibling. They said already that I could. I won't go to College, but I'm scared my mom is gonna be so disappointed in me and ashamed for not becoming something that everyone else will be. She says she never wants me to leave her though, but I still wanna make her happy for a lifetime. Along with this challenge though, I really want to leave this world soon and die. That would not make her happy though, but it seems like the only thing I could be good at is being dead.

    I am not a regular society built human. I hate regular society and everything about it pretty much. I'm a fat ugly monster, a freak, an outcast, and I don't know why anybody would even wanna be around me. If I bored someone, I'm sorry.. there really isn't anything to discuss about what I just said, nor was there a purpose in even posting this, but I just wanted to release some stuff and this forum title says Let It All Out, so I did. I will say this though.. it helped A LOT just typing this. I now have to deal with though being embarrassed that I typed all this on a public forum. For once though, I'm just not gonna care.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 25, 2010
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Mira...so glad you shared this with us...when I was your age, I thought I knew what I was going to and not going to do and as the years go I, I have more questions than answers...have you spoken to anyone about how you are feeling? It sounds like expressing how you feel had a benefit for you...of course, please continue to tell us what is going on for you...big hugs, J
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I for one am glad you did post it and get it all out in the open You are so young and yes i know you probably heard that before You are still growing in your mind things will indeed change Your life views will change. If you believe you may have adhd the i suggest you get tested for that so you can get the proper help you need. I think there are alot of young posters here that can relate to what you have written so you will have help them by being so open.
    It took courage to do this and i hope you continue to post so others can support you. You are not a monster you are still a child really and you will grow and i hope in time grow to accept who you are and find some direction you will take in your life For now just be a kid okay enjoy living don't get wrapped up in the future too much Just enjoy the present time while you can and live life okay . Glad your here reaching out for support
  4. serena

    serena Well-Known Member

    You did the right thing posting all of this because I know how it feels even worse to hold it all in. Also this was not boring at all. I've had people say the same thing to me when I say I could not live on without my mom and that I never want to leave her. They always say I would be able to create my own life but I don't believe it. Have you seen any therapists or doctors about what your experiencing? Bipolar does run in families so if you think it would be helpful if it could be identified whether or not you have it sooner rather than later. I'm 18 years old now but how you describe things sounds so similar to how I would have a few years ago. The memory problems, trouble focusing, depression, and disorganization. I'm still not sure if I have ADHD or not because so my depression and anxiety symptoms always make it hard to identify but I was told I had something similar called executive functioning disorder that makes it hard to organize things or complete long term assignments. It must be really hard for you to feel so much pressure to live how other people want you too. I think your mom just wants the best for you and doesn't know what else to do but tell you to be more social and do more things. Being depressed makes it very hard to do this and all the other things I'm sure your expected to do. It could also be the cause of you feeling lazy and unable to do what you want to do. Don't put so much pressure on yourself to figure out what you want to do with your life you still have plenty of time but I think its really important for you to seek help now so you can begin working your way to feeling happy again like when you were a kid. Let me know how it everything goes and try not to be so hard on yourself. (Easier said then done.)
  5. MiraWolf95

    MiraWolf95 Account Closed

    Thanks so much everyone, what you all said has made me feel a lot better. It did take me a lot of courage to say all that cause I was so worried afterwards and bit shaky. I trust this site though. Feels great to be understood for once rather than criticized. Anyways, to answer some questions, I had a therapist before, but I didn't like feeling like a victim. Plus she would never really help, so I prefer to just find other ways to calm myself. I've also tried talking to my mom before about everything, but all she would say is "Thats Life" and say I need to be in a Mental Hospital. I want so much more out of life though, I want my life to be unique and have happiness. I don't want a regular life that I wont be happy with cause there defiantly then wouldn't be a point in me living. I've always thought a goal for life is to be happy, but over hard times thats seemed to change into something like "survive and do what you must do, doesn't matter if you're happy or not".

    I keep asking my mother to take me to be tested cause she thinks I am Bipolar and have ADHD also, but she keeps putting it off. I really would like to know though. Also about how I still might change, I probably will since I've changed so much already from since I was 12. I guess you can say that I'm afraid of change.
  6. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    I don't believe in marriage either. I guess that means that we're both weird, or we're the beginnings of a different, new sort of normal.
  7. MiraWolf95

    MiraWolf95 Account Closed

    I thought I was the only one who didn't believe in marriage.
    Its interesting to find out someone else doesn't either :p.
    I think what you said is true that we're the beginnings of a different new sort of normal.
  8. serena

    serena Well-Known Member

    If your mother keeps putting the testing off, maybe you could ask a guidance councilor if you could be tested for learning disabilities (ADHD) especially if your struggling in school. Unless you want school to be involved in your mental health, I wouldn't ask them about psych testing or therapy. Just a suggestion from experience. Its better to speak up earlier and get your needs met rather than later.
  9. MiraWolf95

    MiraWolf95 Account Closed

    I still might get my mom to take me sometime cause I don't really want my school getting involved. I'm about to be taken out of public school and be home schooled anyways. My mom did tell me today though that shes gonna set up an appointment. I can wait. I'm making Straight A's and B's in school currently.
  10. Daijou

    Daijou Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you were able to share all of that with us.
    It takes a lot to overcome that first hurdle, but as you noticed, it really does make a difference just typing it out and sharing it with others.

    I can relate to a lot of how you feel, especially the feeling of not being able to meet societies expectations. But I've come to a conclusion on that one for myself: I'll just live the way that makes me the most happy. Who cares if I'm not always trying to be the best I can be and make something great of myself? To me, I think it's more important to live up to my expectations than someone else's. It's my life to decide how to live, not theirs. But that's just my opinion.

    But like the others said, you're still young and there's still plenty of time that these views of yours might change. After all, nothing is set in stone. :)

    Also, about the marriage part, I also don't care too much about it. I don't see much point to it, but I've never been in a position where it might matter. :tongue:

    Hope you keep sharing. Take care :hug:
  11. MiraWolf95

    MiraWolf95 Account Closed

    :] I agree, by what I believe, we all only live life once so might as well make it the way we want it and not what others want it to be. I also don't see a point in marriage. I never really have. I can be happy with someone without smacking a label on the relationship.