For days now I've debated if I should post a thread or not since I'm so bashful and ashamed to talk about myself, but I really need to say some stuff. Its like I'm never happy with myself. I think I'm Bipolar like my father is, but still I can't stand how I am. Since I was 13, I been depressed on and off and sometimes suicidal. I am now 15, so my teenage years so far have been spent being upset and trying to cope with changes. I miss being younger just cause I felt better. My life being younger though was lived off of lies I didn't know about at the time, but still I just felt better and had more energy and life in me. I still seem like a kid in ways though. I don't want my permit or license one day cause I'm terrified of driving like my grandmother was. I can't cook anything except for Tacos. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life except be there for my mom like I am now. I've been that way since I was 5, when I was little and people asked what we wanted to be, I never would say nothing. I fear also getting older cause she gets older as well. If something ever happens to her, I would have no purpose to be living anymore. Everyone always tells me "yes you would, you would get married, have kids, and live a good life". To be honest, since I was little I've also said that I never want to get married and I never want kids. That life just isn't my cup of tea. Even if I really loved someone I wouldn't marry them cause I don't believe in marriage. I never have, I know I'm weird. I even had a boyfriend that broke up with me one time cause I told him I'd never marry him or have kids with him. People tell me that I'll change my mind about everything. To be honest, I hope I never do. I don't believe in God either and I don't believe I can survive in life and meet society's standards. I'm a rebel loner who just enjoys writing, blasting music, and nature. I also love Animals. Since I love animals so much, I often get told I should be a veterinarian. I don't really wanna be one though cause its to much pressure on me to know that an animals life would be in my hands. Sure it would feel wonderful to help an animal, but I just don't want that kind of pressure of hurting one from a mistake. I'm really not that much worth anything anyways since I'm lazy, unorganized, and careless. I have terrible memory, listening skills, and I can't focus on one task or conversation well. I might also be ADHD but I don't know. I just can't function or have goals like a regular human! I never wanna be famous or well known.. I just want my mother to be proud of me. So far all she does is worry about me and mention how different I am and how worthless I can be. Shes always comparing me to other people my age saying why aren't I doing stuff they are doing. Why do I hate going to parties, hate making a ton of friends, and hate staying at peoples houses. The definition for how I am though is I'm Just Like My Dad. 100000% like him. Him and my mother have been divorced for 10 years now so he lives with his boyfriend after admitting he was really Gay and not Straight or Bisexual but tried to be. I'm Straight, but my personality is like his. He never leaves his house hardly, doesn't have a job cause hes disabled, hates being around people, but he can't stand to live alone. He just loves keeping to his self and living life the way he wants to. Not the way society expects people to live. I do believe my lifestyle is gonna be like his as well. I'm gonna live with my mom and step dad like I'm doing now and help them out with raising my sibling. They said already that I could. I won't go to College, but I'm scared my mom is gonna be so disappointed in me and ashamed for not becoming something that everyone else will be. She says she never wants me to leave her though, but I still wanna make her happy for a lifetime. Along with this challenge though, I really want to leave this world soon and die. That would not make her happy though, but it seems like the only thing I could be good at is being dead. I am not a regular society built human. I hate regular society and everything about it pretty much. I'm a fat ugly monster, a freak, an outcast, and I don't know why anybody would even wanna be around me. If I bored someone, I'm sorry.. there really isn't anything to discuss about what I just said, nor was there a purpose in even posting this, but I just wanted to release some stuff and this forum title says Let It All Out, so I did. I will say this though.. it helped A LOT just typing this. I now have to deal with though being embarrassed that I typed all this on a public forum. For once though, I'm just not gonna care.