Letting everything out

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by thatguy67, Aug 15, 2015.

  1. thatguy67

    thatguy67 Member

    My life has been a series of ups and downs with not many ups. My whole life I have been bullied and everyone has seen me as an outsider, I have been a loner my whole life with a very few number of people I can actually call friends. But I am not here to make anyone feel sorry for me I hate being pitied, I always hated it when my parents would get there friends kids to hang out with me like I'm some charity case I just have always kept to myself my whole life and never let anything out. I'm sick and tired of it I don't want to focus on the past and my childhood I just need to tell someone about what's going on and get some feedback because I have never been able to express my feelings to anyone but friends, but I can't tell my friends about some things that go on. I am 15 years old turning 16 next Friday, I am currently going into 10th grade and I actually kind of like school because it's an escape from my home even though I don't have many friends and no one talks to me. At home my family is completely dysfunctional, I have both my parents and my sisters who are 18 and 13. Everyday I come home from school and I go in my room do my homework and then play video games or read books or whatever seems entertaining because I can't stand my family. My sisters do everything together and they get whatever they want. For my sisters bday she got a new car and they go shopping with my parents money nearly everyday while I sit in my room they always come home with tons of friends and there boyfriends and come in my room and pick on me calling me a loser and many many other things that I don't want to say here they are basically bullies and bring an entourage of friends to laugh I don't even feel comfortable going to the kitchen or bathroom. My sisters have basically emotionally tormented me my entire life and told me I'm never going to do anything or get friends. Then there is also the fact that they get whatever they want whenever and flaunt it around bragging about being daddy's girls. For the past 3 to 4 years for their birthdays my parents have thrown them huge parties and given them thousands of dollars and every year I get no more than a damn card that they don't even sign. I have never really cared much about material things though so my sisters aren't the main problem it's my parents, I don't even know where to start with them I'll start with my dad he is verbally and physically abusive he hasn't hit me that many times but he has done it one time I remember clearly because it was recently about 8 months ago he asked me to help me open an attachment in his email so I tried to help but when I clicked it the attachment was corrupted and I couldn't open it he thought I was lying or screwing him over somehow but he didn't understand the concept he got so mad he went to charge out the door and he opened it I was sitting on the couch and it was facing away from the door so I could only hear him open it he then came back towards the couch and next things I knew he decked me in the back of the head and my ears wear ringing and I was woozy then he said you better have it open when I get back then he charged out the door I went in my room and locked the door and when he returned home he had forgotten and went to bed. Now I will tell you about emotional abuse, my whole life I have been amazing at football not bragging but I am good I play offensive tackle and defensive end and I've gone to multiple camps got voted as a freshman all American by the npfa they even named me one of the top 100 freshman players in the country but my whole life I was pressured into doing it I never enjoyed it but he loved it he wanted me to play in the nfl so he could brag to all his buddies and I didn't want to be some stupid trophy so after freshman year I told him I wanted to quit and even since then he has been verbally abusing me out of the blue I will walk out of my room and he will say things like oh the no life has finally come out of his room mocking me and making jokes. I usually ignore it and move on but about 2 months ago something happened it was a Saturday morning and I woke up at around 12 I always mow the lawn on Saturday morning but I wanted to go out for job interviews that day because it was the first day of summer so I'm eating breakfast saying nothing and he is hammering me for no reason saying oh how are u gonna get a job if you're to lazy to leave your room he says you can't even mow the lawn today because you're to lazy and says I'm an embarrassment to him then he says no you're not going anywhere today go back in you're room cause that's where you're always gonna be and I said I'll cut the lawn fine and went in my room changed clothes and went to mow the lawn in the middle of it he comes out and says no I'll do it just go back in your room and continue having no life and he just kept hammering me till finally he said you're even to much of a pussy to play football and I snapped and I slammed the lawnmower against a tree and I broke it and he grabbed me by my shirt so I pushed him off and he was coming after me when my mom made him stop cause she doesn't want him to go to jail I went in my room and packed up my stuff and left I went to my friends house and didn't tell anyone no one noticed for 3 days!!! My mom texted me and said where are u I said somewhere away from all of you I stayed at my friends house who is actually my best friend for a whole week and I finally decided to go back and things are basically still the same with my dad. I also forgot to mention my parents fight like all the time. Now for my mom, I love her pretty much only because she gave birth to me she is completely insane. And the worst part is she's a mental health counselor. She of course favors my sisters and I've even overheard her say she never wanted a son. She always goes grocery shopping and buys all this food and when I try to eat anything she says I can't because she bought it for my dad or my sisters and if I eat it I'm grounded even though I have no life so I literally live off of leftovers from their meals when they eat dinner together at the table they even tell me and I'm almost always excluded. She brings my sisters to movies every weekend and never invited me, she brings them shopping every weekend and she has not once ever invited me or brought me back anything! She also like my father tells me I have no life and always reminds me I never leave my room and it's really bad because she is a hardcore Christian and she constantly shoves religion down people's throat telling people of you don't accept him you will burn forever and tells me if I don't go to church she gonna kick me out of the house even though idk if I believe in god my whole family goes to church and puts on this fake act like they're perfect and they tell everyone I'm a troubled child and try to force me to hang out with the youth pastor and go to church events everyone in my family is a hypocrite and they make it seem like I'm the bad one. My mother won't let me get below b's on my report card because she says all her friends kids do and it will make her look bad then she forces me to take super hard ap classes I'm not smart enough for and gets mad and tells me I'm worthless when I get a c. Everyone In my family and everyone else knows me for never talking about my feelings and never showing my emotions. I have never told anyone this in my entire life but every single day when I take a shower I play music really loud and turn on the fan so no one hears and I cry my eyes out in the shower every single day of my life. I have never self harmed cause I never saw the point of hurting yourself when you are already hurting but I constantly think of suicide. I can't get the thought out of my head I wake up everyday but it feels like I'm still asleep like I'm dreaming like I shouldn't be where I am like I should be someone else. No one in my life has ever believed in me or encouraged me my mom wants me to be an engineer and my dad wants me to be in the nfl I have never told them what I want to do because whenever I hint towards it they immediately dismiss it. They dismiss everything. Sometimes I just want to get the Advil and end it but I can't shake this feeling that I have a huge destiny I don't even know if I believe in destiny like I have some huge meaning like I'm going to make a big impact on the world and the reason I'm going through this is so I can understand how other people feel who aren't privileged or aren't encouraged or aren't loved. I ask for no pity whatsoever I just had to vent in somewhere and I hope for some feedback.
     
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Jason, welcome to the forum. I know you scared but do not worry. I breakdown everyday but I still survive on a hour by hour basis. We can help YOU as we all here understand what you are going through. I know you are hurting but keep posting here. You are at low ebb of your life but be strong. We a very caring community and we can help you. Do not worry now, this virtual hand I give to you is one of compassion and re-assurance that I do care. Remember that someone does care and we will get you the next four years. Life is about living and nothing more. We have a purpose in living and we want go naturally wherever we are deemed to. Be safe and strong.
     
  3. Raskolnikov

    Raskolnikov Member

    Man, I can really relate to your story. older and younger sister, played defensive end and tight end, questioned whether or not god is real growing up, am an engineer (i'm 25) even though its not really something I wanted to do but got pushed into it. I'm not active on this forum so take what I say with a grain of salt (i'm only commenting now because how much you remind me of myself), but lurking here and participating in the chat (which is frustratingly down right now) has been a very positive experience for me over the last 5 years or so. Real talk, no one can solve your problems for you and I think based on what you said you know that. But, and its a big but, seeking help can do amazing things for helping you help yourself. Getting angry, letting off steam, feeling the pain you may not have been letting your self feel is a healthy first step. Personally though, listening to others problems and helping where I can (even if all I can do IS to listen) has been very cathartic for me. my advice is to after the initial venting and listening to the advice of others, a necessary step, listen to the problems of others. I cant tell you how many times I thought I was giving advice to someone, when halfway through I realized I was giving myself advice as well. Good luck friend, when I first posted distraught years ago people told me it would be OK even when it seemed to me unlikely. well 5 years later I'm still here to post to you, but I even begin to tell tell you how much things have gotten better. For now, stay on the path man. It gets better.
     
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