I feel like I am caught in this cycle of severe depression/anxiety climbing up to "okay" or even "good", only to fall back to severe depression/anxiety. I have been in this cycle before but it was YEARS ago but I am in month six of this cycle and I am realizing that while I there is a chemical component to this cycle -- meaning I do have depression and anxiety which I need medication for - the majority of this is simply me choosing to handle emotions poorly....making bad decisions and having this repeating cycle. I know I am able to not be in this cycle -- I did it for years so now I just need to let go. There are so many ways to let go....the one that comes to mind most often is permanently letting go, life-ending. But I can choose to let go a more 'normal'/'right' way but just pulling my sh*t together. Why is that so hard? Why do I feel like I WANT to stay in this cycle? What is it about this cycle that appeals to me? Does anyone relate to this? Am I crazy? Am I borderline personality disorder? Am I just dysfunctional???? I feel lost as to what exactly is wrong with me....how crazy am I?