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Letting Go.....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by chooselife, Sep 29, 2009.

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  1. chooselife

    chooselife Well-Known Member

    Letting Go

    What do you do when your spirit has lost the will to live?
    And the windows to your Soul are glazed with a misty sheen of vacancy?
    What do you do when your heart beats rapid, but not for love?
    And when every magnificent sunset fails to stir emotion?
    What do you do when endless sighs are all that you breathe?
    And the laughter has turned to tears?
    What do you do when love turns to hate?
    And the spring in your step now ambles a sluggish trail?
    What do you do when you no longer hear the song of a bird?
    But the voices in your mind that tell you to give up?
    What do you do?

    You seek help!

    I wrote that poem when I was at the lowest of the low. When I resided in the abyss and gave up on life. I later added the "You seek help"

    I have read many of your posts. Some of whom were, and/or are... suicidal. I want to say to you that it does get better. Here is an old cliche: "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." It is one that I have to agree with.

    We ALL have problems, some large, some small, some gigantic. If you view these problems more as challenges in which to learn and grow from it certainly makes life easier. We were not all born perfect; if we did not experience pain we would never evolve and become stronger beings. We would either remain stagnant or regress. The choice is yours, and ONLY yours!

    If you choose to bury your problems beneath the dusty carpet they are never going to go away. You can suppress them within your subconscious until another one comes along, then do the same with that. Eventually you may implode. How can we possibly think lucidly with all that mush floating around in our heads?

    If you want to die, there is a reason. If you are oblivious to the reason then you may well have a chemical imbalance and need medication. If you do know the problem..... Confront it! Deal with it, and move on.

    Do not tell me it cannot be done! I was raised by a mentally abusive father who I adored. My mother was a manic depressive who was dealing with her own crisis at hand, and I was thrown out on the street when I was 16. I lived a life of mental hell. Yes, I even attempted suicide at one point. I ended up at a mental health facility where I felt incarcerated for 72 hours.

    Upon my release I "Woke Up". I looked my pain and fears in the face and I overcame all that crap. Only YOU can help you. People can support us and guide us in the right direction. They can listen to our plight and prescribe us meds, but only you can make the choice to heal yourself.

    Another thing, if you do decide to kill yourself imagine the intense pain you are going to cause those left behind. Is it really fair to put your loved ones through that agony because you couldn't hang? Face your problems. Face your fears. Face your pain. Don't suppress it. Get it out there.

    It's been 3 years since my suicide attempt, and I am now an advocate for suicide prevention. Life DOES get better! but you have to work at it, nobody said life was easy... You are feeding your soul. I am living proof that life gets better, and you have to believe that.


    Existing in a land of grim oblivion, corrupt from the scars of life,
    Naked daydreams reflect upon a present state of consciousness and strife.

    Depression lurks, while darkened clouds emit a shadow over the desperate soul, splintered thoughts of a dejected philosophy curb to a silent anger,
    That devours the tender spirits goal, while a barren mind digests
    Every aching moment, of survival.

    Imprisoned and chained by the negative state of despondency and oppression, a supraliminal erosion of self satisfaction dominates the regression.

    Forgotten is the destiny I chose.

    The habitual discovery of life from which the Soul matures,
    As the cruel ascendance of pain encompasses a weary spirit,
    Deluding of all cures, anxiety and stress seep undetected from my pores,
    Favoring demented suicidal thoughts to conceal confrontation,
    Cowardly starving the soul of enlightened elevation.

    Forgotten, is the destiny I chose.

    Each and every obstacle a stagnant reminder of a trivial existence,
    Met with the seemingly turbulent unknown, while destiny a waits.

    Fractured, worn, and torn, from the deceptive onslaughts of pain my joyful spirit awakens. Twisted attempts of destruction make way for positive fulfillment, and powerful acceptance forsaken.
    Fear not, such lessons of life.

    From the book Dying to Live, confessions of suicide. YOU DO NOT.....Need to go this route!

    "I continued to wash down more pills with the alcohol and heard the familiar you’ve got voice mail tone, two in fact. The first was from my roommate, and the second still reads clear in my mind today. “ This is the local police dept, we’re just calling to make sure you are okay, if you have an emergency call 911” I remember thinking Oh that’s just great! Now the police are involved. This fleeting concern was superseded by the knowledge that I will be dead by the time they find me. Swallowing some more pills I sat in my car in this dark secluded spot and leaned back into my seat, I closed my eyes and waited for the drugs to kick in.

    I was fiercely tired, physically, mentally and emotionally, I wanted to sleep and never wake up. I was scared, confused, saddened that my life had come to this. I recall laughing through the pain that I was still relatively alert from having taken so many sleeping pills, but this is no joke. Had I of witnessed myself from above throughout this ordeal to end my life, I would have been deeply distressed. I would have cried and pleaded for it to stop, cradling her saying “It is going to be okay” IT IS GOING TO BE OKAY! Never once did I hear these words.

    MY words however, echoed turbulently through my consciousness:
    Was she even looking down on her daughter?
    Like a child, I needed my mother.

    Before I knew it, I saw some extremely bright effervescent headlights speeding towards me, the lights were so blinding they stunned my vision. I had no idea who this was, and why they were invading my space. The car came to a sudden halt when out stepped my roommate and her girl friend. I must have had a sheer look of terror on my face because I was truly astounded at how they managed to find me, this being the first question I posed during what appeared to be a delusion. I was in utter shock. She raced up to my window, and asked me what I had taken; I reluctantly showed her the bottle, as she commented that the police were on the way.

    I became distraught again while informing her that I didn’t have Health Insurance and if they found me they will whisk me off to the hospital and quite possibly a Mental Home. I tried to engineer a deal with her, insisting I will force vomit if she allowed me to go with them instead of the police. At that moment I overheard her tell my roommate that the police had arrived. I was still crying uncontrollably as I sat there waiting to be grilled. The policeman was calm and collective as he informed me “We’re not going to arrest you, but it is illegal to commit suicide in the State of California.” I looked at him with tears streaming down my face, and affirmed with a questionable “It’s MY life” He asked me how many pills I had taken, and the inevitable “Why did you do it?” I was honest and forthright, and of course always respectful. Upon recollection, it seemed as though he was talking to me for ten minutes or so, while another officer had at one point leaned through my passenger window and confiscated the remainder of my alcohol. I really do not recall much more of the conversation, though I have a vivid recollection of my descent from the car. I was not at all happy with regards to being found, and was less appreciative upon witnessing the army of police vehicles that surrounded me. I threw my arms to the side in disbelief, thinking ‘this is insane, why all the commotion?”

    The police officer led me to the ambulance where I was immediately given oxygen, together with a rather nasty squeezable tube of charcoal, which I was forced to consume in its entirety. I have since learned that this disgusting concoction is known as ‘Activated charcoal’ which not only induces vomit, but primarily helps to prevent the absorption of drugs, and other poisonous substances by the stomach and intestines. I squeezed a couple of doses into my mouth, and then handed it back to the paramedic in disgust. He then informed me that I have to drink the entire tube. I thought there is no way I can drink the rest of this, but I tried relentlessly knowing that since I am not now going to die, I might as well make an effort of coming out of this relatively unscathed. I remember wiping my mouth a few times, and seeing this thick black matter all over my hands and arms. The following afternoon when I awoke I was a sight for sore eyes. My eyes were swollen from crying all evening, my face was bloated, and I had somehow managed to get the charcoal on my forehead and cheeks. I was a wreck! Physically - mentally - emotionally."
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I truly hope your empty words of promises work for some. If you had uttered those words some 30 years ago to me I might of bit. But I have been fighting, holding on for that better tomorrow, struggling to see the day when things do get better. But I have come full circle in this battle so many times and each time it feels like that circle is tightening around my neck. I'm 45 and at the point where there are no more solutions. No mom or dad to turn to, no family that can take the time to care, they have problems of their own, no miracle cures for my cancer, no prince to come riding in on a white stallion to whisk me away. And all along I fight, for me. I work damn hard for me. I put out the brave me and try to find any other solution. Try to even keep the roof over our heads. But I am only human, and am so tired and used up from all the fighting and struggling, from it all. I fight for me but there really isnt any me left!! And at the end of each day I say what the Hell for????

    I get so tired of seeing the same thing "it will get better". Yes for some it will. I hope that your words can help those people. And I am so grateful that it does. But for some it just cant. That is the reality of life.
  3. chooselife

    chooselife Well-Known Member

    Yes it depends on an individuals situation. My "Empty" words have helped some people because they have filled them with hope. I struggled also for 43 years, felt the same way you do. I didn't find happiness through a knight in shining armor, or by winning the lottery, but by working on my pain and my situation. I did it alone, my parents are also deceased, and when they were alive they didn't care anyway. I cried out for help many times and never received it. I was always told" Well you made your bed" That's when I figured the only way I am going to get well is if I help myself. Change my life. Completely.

    I had to change my perception of life. I started to smile at people, and they smiled back. Instead of resenting them, everyone. I resented people because of my own disposition, it wasn't their fault that they were successful while I was struggling, banging my head against a wall.

    If something isn't working, it needs to be changed. If it cannot be changed it needs to be accepted before it eats you alive.

    How we view the world, is our perception of life. Our reality is our perception. I have been homeless, living on the street, I had not eaten for three days because I had no money, then I had my car broken into, my purse stolen, later had my car repossessed, filed bankruptcy. I had crap after crap happen to me. I had no choice but to turn my life around.

    I am proud of my efforts to have fought the battle. I still experience crap, but I wont go back to where I once was.
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    And so you should be... proud of what you have done for yourself. Proud that you have had the opportunities to make change happen. And proud that you want to help others to achieve the same thing. I guess I just get frustrated when time after time people present "this things will get better" and really believe that it can apply to everyone. It simple doesnt. When I hear people say that to me, it really makes all the effort I have put forth, for so many years, seem meaningless. Like as if all the years of fighting just to hold my head never mind above water but even just below the surface were for what? Because someone who had the right opportunities fall their way and were able to change things for the better uttered them? I and many others have struggled as much or even more than you may of. You made it. Be proud. But it isnt always going to be a happy ending for everybody no matter how much we all want to belive that. I had hope once. No matter what words are said, it wont be coming back. So please keep reaching out and try to help as many as you can. But please dont forget that sometimes what you say can be just as hurtful to some as it is helpful to others.

    I have accepted that things wont get better or be changed or fixed. I have accepted that suicide is my solution. I take great pleasure in smiling back at people. I dont resent others. I live in a small rural community where it is still "acceptable" to wave at a car as it passes you. To just stop in the middle of what you are doing to have a chat with a neighbor who just "stopped by". That there is a lazy, laid back attitude about life in general here. Living here has been my saving many times. But it isnt going to fix or change my problems. If I cant then I cant expect someone else to be able to do it either.

    I am truly grateful that there are people out there that really do want to help others. I'm grateful that there are success stories such as yours. And I hope that you can help atleast one other person. Good luck.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 29, 2009
  5. chooselife

    chooselife Well-Known Member

    I know, I wish you luck too itmahanh. I am just trying to shine a positive light because I have been in the abyss, suffered mentally, tried to take my life, and came through to finally smell the scent of the blossoms.

    I am not lessening your personal battle by any means.
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Thank you for sharing with us chooselife. For some, finding out that yes, things can change and for the better, is all they need to give that glimmer of hope that keeps them fighting to continue on. For those that have struggled and no longer have that sliver of hope, perhaps they can be thankful that for some, life does get better. If it makes the difference for just one, then the purpose has been served. Again, thank you for your post. :hug:
  7. chooselife

    chooselife Well-Known Member

    You're welcome. Thank you.
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