letting go

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by m.b, Nov 18, 2011.

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  1. m.b

    m.b New Member

    every moment of every day i hate my life. even with my medications being increased, twice, i can't function. i day dream about curling up on the floor with my phone, calling my ex, asking him to pretend it was a few months ago, back when he still wanted me. i want to slowly fade out while he talks to me about his day. i want to die while he's thinking of me.
    i hate that i'm this upset over a boy. i've always been so fiercely independent. i avoided relationships in my adult life because i knew it had to be natural, i knew it had to be a progression with a friend, someone who could get crazy and free with me but who could be this calm refuge. he was everything. he put me at ease.
    i had just had to move back home, to ohio, while he was back in colorado. i hated every moment of my life before we started our relationship. when things started to happen the other things just blurred into the background. when things started getting overwhelming i just needed to hear his voice and things were in perspective. but he ended it. he wasn't ready. i could accept that. a piece of me died that day but i could accept it. but on a particularly bad night i was doubting if he had ever loved me. i called him while drinking and on pills and was hurtful. flatly said that he never cared for me, never wanted me. things have been worse since then. every day i want to die. i refuse to be someone who kills themselves over a damn boy. but i can't do this much longer. i plead with God every day to just let me die. I ask him always what is so fucking important that He feels the need to keep me here. i probably would kill myself actually except it would hurt my best friend. her fiancee was killed in a car accident 11 months ago. he went off a cliff that i had frequently thought of driving off of. i was there with her, taking care of her after his death. making her eat, assuring her that no matter what she felt or what she needed that it was okay, that we would go through this. it hurts to tell her what's going on because it pales in comparison. but still, i only take comfort in the thought of hearing his voice while i fade out into my forever slumber. i've wanted to say that out loud for so long but it doesn't go over well with people when you tell them you dream all day every day about dying. i could hardly be honest with my therapists. the thing that scares me most is being in the psych ward. i've just needed a safe place to lay it all out. to say that i think all day long of dying, of killing myself. of only not doing it because i refuse to be someone who kills themselves over a boy. i can't let go of him...i kind of j=hope i can soon. i'm not sure that reason will hold out for much longer. i need relief soon.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You do need to let go hun he is not worth killing yourself over your right no guy is worth that. You will find another someone who will be your safe haven someone who will not judge you but care for you. I am glad you can say whats on your mind here letting the thoughts out does help hun and you can see so many others have those thoughts as well but choose to fight choose to let the darkness win hugs to you
  3. m.b

    m.b New Member

    5 sleeping pills 2 glasses of wine. not a suicide attempt. just need to turn my head off. it was easier living in a medicial state. weed is the only thing that actually calms me down. even prescription stuff doesn't. i'm not suicidal. i'm desperate. i'm 30. the first time i wanted to kill myself was when i was in 5th grade. the only reason i didn't was because i knew it would crush my favorite grandparents. i was 20 when the second of the 2 died and i went into a deep depression. i realized i no longer had a reason. living back in my home state i visit them, cry to them, ask them why their son i such a bad person. tell them about my life, my pain. it's a good thing i know they love me. they would be hurt with where i am. the only rock i have left is my favorite cousin. i haven't broken that barrier yet. he knows i'm "deeply troubled", sometimes i just want to drive to his house in tennessee and hide in his spare room, curl up with him on the couch and take refuge until the depression eases. i think i would right now if i could get away from work. perhaps i should. but i know this would overwhelm him. 5sleeping pills and 2 glasses of wine. my head isn't turned off yet but i'm pretty sure this is my limit.
  4. bluebutterfly7

    bluebutterfly7 New Member

    Hi. I hope you are feeling better. Sometimes giving yourself time is the best 'medicine'. I am so glad you have people who care about you and give you a reason to live. After all things can change while you are alive.
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