every moment of every day i hate my life. even with my medications being increased, twice, i can't function. i day dream about curling up on the floor with my phone, calling my ex, asking him to pretend it was a few months ago, back when he still wanted me. i want to slowly fade out while he talks to me about his day. i want to die while he's thinking of me. i hate that i'm this upset over a boy. i've always been so fiercely independent. i avoided relationships in my adult life because i knew it had to be natural, i knew it had to be a progression with a friend, someone who could get crazy and free with me but who could be this calm refuge. he was everything. he put me at ease. i had just had to move back home, to ohio, while he was back in colorado. i hated every moment of my life before we started our relationship. when things started to happen the other things just blurred into the background. when things started getting overwhelming i just needed to hear his voice and things were in perspective. but he ended it. he wasn't ready. i could accept that. a piece of me died that day but i could accept it. but on a particularly bad night i was doubting if he had ever loved me. i called him while drinking and on pills and was hurtful. flatly said that he never cared for me, never wanted me. things have been worse since then. every day i want to die. i refuse to be someone who kills themselves over a damn boy. but i can't do this much longer. i plead with God every day to just let me die. I ask him always what is so fucking important that He feels the need to keep me here. i probably would kill myself actually except it would hurt my best friend. her fiancee was killed in a car accident 11 months ago. he went off a cliff that i had frequently thought of driving off of. i was there with her, taking care of her after his death. making her eat, assuring her that no matter what she felt or what she needed that it was okay, that we would go through this. it hurts to tell her what's going on because it pales in comparison. but still, i only take comfort in the thought of hearing his voice while i fade out into my forever slumber. i've wanted to say that out loud for so long but it doesn't go over well with people when you tell them you dream all day every day about dying. i could hardly be honest with my therapists. the thing that scares me most is being in the psych ward. i've just needed a safe place to lay it all out. to say that i think all day long of dying, of killing myself. of only not doing it because i refuse to be someone who kills themselves over a boy. i can't let go of him...i kind of j=hope i can soon. i'm not sure that reason will hold out for much longer. i need relief soon.