Letting it all out

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by mishmian, Jul 26, 2015.

  1. mishmian

    mishmian New Member

    I just hope that by posting my story here, I will become brave enough to face myself. See, because I love distracting myself from is at hand, or what bothers me, or just other people. I feel that because of this I turn to the idea of suicide too quickly. But I don't know how else to fix this.

    I have been committed to the goal of making something out of myself. My parents have had issues with each other for years and I know that they are only together because of me. I recently graduated college from a top university and I'm struggling to find work. I've had to move back home where I've now become very limited. I don't leave the house too much, except when I go to interviews or errands. Otherwise, I'll easily stay at home for days. I'm not doing much other than watching TV simply because I have no pressing obligation as I had when in school. I have no reason to get out of bed. My bank account has dipped below zero several times this summer. My parents help me, but my father is stingy and my mother recently lost her job. I still have my apartment in the city near my alma matter, but I have no reason to be there. My parents want me home, which is what I tell my friends who are still there either with a job or taking summer classes. But honestly, I just feel like at least I can bum around all day at my parents house and not be judged for it. I have applied to at least 100 jobs since May. I've had a few interviews, and just no luck. I feel that with a job I can finally start to build my career, be independent and accomplish my goal of making something out of myself. Moreover, I know my parents will be in a better place because they won't be forced to live with each other. But here I am with no money, no job, I hardly see my friends anymore (also because they've got jobs, school, or traveling). I just smoke weed to pass the time.

    I feel disgusted with myself because I know these issues are pretty minor in comparison to the atrocities people face daily. But I'm sad... and upset with myself. This isn't the first time I've contemplated suicide, but at least back then I had school to give me something to look forward to. Now I feel defeated... and alone. I hate myself for allowing myself to get to this point, for not trying harder to succeed.

    so yeah, that's me letting it all out.
  2. danni

    danni Chat Buddy

    :hug: I know looking for a job is hard out there, but you can't give up. just hang in there buddy.