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Letting it all out...

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It's like I'm juggling but there's only a certain amount of balls I can keep catching so some get dropped. It's just this endless cycle, one thing gets better and another gets worse; work hard on one issue, let another slide. How far are they able to slide until it kills me? I know the things I do are wrong (some of the time), and I know that I can't get better on my own, yet I still can't bring myself to tell anyone and be an even bigger screw up than I already am, or ask for help, feels like that would be relinquishing the control that I struggled so hard to get. I know, no one can help me 'til I help myself, and I'm trying, it's just there's too many balls, too many thoughts, too many voices, too many compromises I'm not willing, or not able, to make, too many reasons not to trust. Yet all the while, the day-to-day is becoming unbearable, and in a way, I'm slowly but surely killing myself. Why am I posting, when I know this? I guess I just needed to "let it all out". (Sorry for taking your time.)
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