Ima just go with the flow. Today i woke up feeling shit. No particular reason, just that life is so shit. I hate my life right now. I hate every part of it. I hate myself so much. I hate myself for what i am and what i've done. How i've messed everything up. What a difference a year can make eh. I've already sat here crying my eyes out. Have a feeling i'm gonna be crying all night. Got some alcohol to deal with that tho. Gonna drink till i pass out. What a great way to spend new years. Just a year ago i had the best christmas and new year ever. Now look at it. I'm gonna be alone in my room. What a fucking pathetic excuse for a life i have. It bugs me when she says its bullshit because its not. I hid things for so long. I hid my thoughts and feelings in fear of being hurt by those closest to me. Now that i've lost everything that ever meant anything to me, im starting to be honest. What the hell do i have to loose? I've lost everything. There would be no sense in being un honest now. I sit here and look at the picture stuck on my wall. I'd give anything to go back there, we were all so happy there. It was a happy day. I had someone to live for. I've been thinking about B alot recently. I'm worried. really worried and its tearing me apart. I only found out a few weeks ago. I knew she'd had breast cancer but i thought it had been dealt with. I thought it was over. I thought wrong. She's had radio therapy and chemo and neither have helped. Shes bound to a wheel chair now. It's hard for her to function. The cancer spread, throught her breast and all the way up to her brain. She has a tube in the back of her head to drain off the fluid. A part of me wants to see her before the worst happens but then a major part of me doesn't. Its horrible to say but i wanna remember her the way she was. I've been thinking about what my mum said. she has no fucking clue whats going on. she stood there and said a load of bullshit. Said i don't think about anyone else. If i didn't then why the fuck am i still here?! I still so fucking angry. I should of carried on. I shouted at her, had a go at her and she looked shocked. I should of carried on and told her how much i hate her. This year has been fucked up, i fucked up. The new coming year will just be as shit.