Letting it all out...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ThoseEmptyWalls, Jul 13, 2009.

  1. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    I just wanted to talk about this..Since I have no one to actually talk about it with I thought sharing online would do. Im typing this up on wordpad because I dont know where to place it so if I end up putting it in the wrong place Im sorry..

    Things just seem to be getting worse for me. Im not sleeping well. Im so nervous and anxious I feel like Im about to jump out of my damn skin. Lastnight I had this urge to get up and bash my head into the walls. I ended up pulling my shirt over my head and humming.. It didnt work but somehow I made it thru.

    I cant seem to stand myself or my family. I actually want to kill my husband and I get sick with myself because I have actually caught myself thinking about how to get away with it. Hes not so bad really I just feel trapped I guess. I have my headphones on right now and Im cranking the volume up and up and up..I cant stand the whining and the yelling...

    Im also sick with myself..Im so fat, so ugly, like a freaking ugly monster or something. Im not sleeping well. I just want to break down and cry. I have found myself wishing I could self harm again. I have been remembering what it felt like when I use to cut myself and I want to really bad but just cant.

    Im in constant pain..A headache thats lasted for months. A backache, my knees hurt, my ancles, my feet, the muscles in my legs, my right hip, and my arm is still in a lot of pain from the injury a few weeks ago.

    I cant afford a doctor..I lost the coverage I had but I dont want to talk about that.. I swore Id never take medications again but to be honest I miss them. Even though I was allergic to 90% of them if I took enough of them I was numb for a while..

    I feel like Im being stupid.. No one understands and it seems no one cares to even try to understand what Im going thru. I feel a bit selfish to be honest. We have very little money and I blow some on stamps so I can have friends. I feel bad for buying a $1 pad of stationery.. I feel like I want to crawl into a hole and die..It feels a little selfish..Not like Im being selfish I want to die but the reasons I want to die make me feel selfish.. I cant deal with my sons health problems..I cant deal with housing issues..I cant deal with food issues..I cant deal with the trouble we are having paying our bills..I cant deal with the constant pain..I just cant deal.. I want to sink off somewhere and die so I wont have to deal with it. It makes me feel selfish because if Im gone someone else will just have to deal with it..

    Im psychotic again.. Im seeing the shadows that wont leave me alone and those damn lights in the night drive me insane..

    My mom tried to get me free medical services and she couldnt. Her husband tried to put me on his insurance and they wouldnt let him.. The only free clinic in my state is over an hours drive from here and they wont dispence the medications I need because its against their policy... I just feel out of options..

    Thanks for reading..
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're not stupid or selfish. I wish I hadsome advice, but I just wanted you to know I read your post, and I do care.
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Have you tried to get public assistance?? If your low income theres a good chance you can get medical help..Have you talked to your doctor about how you are feeling??Depression runs you into the ground.. It makes you sluggish and unmotivated..There is always help out there but you have to put forth the effort to find it..Right now you need to look out for yourself.. The others in your life will just have to fend for themselves.. Please seek the help.. Your doctor should be able to give you a letter so you can apply for assistance..