I wanted to write a thread to get my feelings out. But I don't know what to say. I feel so bloody awful right now. I really should call my counsellor, but she wont get the message until she comes in tomorrow and her first appointment of the day, so there's no point. I wouldn't know what to say anyway. I never know what to say. I have to run things through in my head before I say them to make sure it makes sense. And sometimes I start saying something then pause in the middle cos I wanna say it a different way. But that leads people to believe that there's things I'm not telling them. There's not, I just don't wanna say something that sounds stupid or that could be taken the wrong way. I guess one of my greatest fears is not being understood. I don't want anyone to think that I mean something I didn't. Which I guess is why I'm almost obsessive about my spelling and grammer a lot of the time. That, and being beaten for not using a capital i for I. I've been beaten for so many things. Laughing, speaking when I shouldn't have, not speaking when I was told to, spelling mistakes. Anything and everything that was deemed "inappropriate behaviour". Maybe that's why I think that how I behave is so wrong, and I should be punished when it is. When in actual fact there's not a lot wrong with the way I behave. It's ok for a dyslexic to make spelling mistakes once in a while, it's ok to speak up when I have something I want to say. It's ok to make someone angry sometimes. Hmm, I don't actually believe that last one. So many people have told me to just pick up the phone and call my ex, tell her how I feel. And I can't explain why I can't do it. She might be angry at me, I'm almost positive she would be. And people say to me what's the worst that she could do? They don't understand how much it would destroy me to have the person I love and care about and admire most in the world being angry with me. When people have been angry with me before it's taken any self esteem I had completely away, broken my heart, just killed me deep inside. I know I survived it, but I'm so fragile at the moment that I know I'd flip out. But I miss her so much that I might flip out without her. It's a no win situation really. Cos the likelihood that she misses me too and still loves me and would ever have me back is so remote it's laughable. Maybe I should be locked away somewhere until I'm over her. But I don't know if I ever will be, or if I even want to be. Cos to me she is the most beautiful, attractive, interesting, captivating, amazing woman in the whole world. And I don't wanna lose her.