Letting it out

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Moon_Penguin, Jun 25, 2013.

  1. Moon_Penguin

    Moon_Penguin Penguin astronaut extraordinaire

    Not expecting this to get read or replies, just need to let it out!
    its been a year since i last SH'ed :yay: but i still get the urge to do it. I am fighting it with all my energy, but i have no energy. i have a condition IIH (idiopathic intracranial hypertension) in simple terms, extra fluid in my skull causing high pressure. this pressure fudging hurts! i mean nots like i get a headache and pain killers can help, when i get one, all i can do is lie there and hope it goes away and nothing so far other than caffeine, can help. this takes alot out of me, as you can imagine. My headaches get worse if i do any movement. gettin up to make a cuppa tea, walkign to the shop, walkign up the stairs to my flat. everything just hurts. i cant exercise. so all i do nowa days is sit around, getting fat (which increases pressure), get yelled at by my doctors cause im gettin fat and i feel as though my bf is less attracted to me because of this.
    now my boyfriend is amazing. hes helped me so much in the past year with everything. ye, we have arguments, but we get over them pretty quick and its all over n done with. but hes done so much for me, and im yet to return the favour. all i seem to do is make life more difficult. i feel so guilty that no matter what he does, i still feel like just throwing myself off a bridge. i feel like hes too good for me, that he could do better. but if he was too good for me then he wouldnt do everything he has done, hed just give up n leave me. So i know that he doesnt think this, weve talked about it alil n hes made it clear that he wants to be with me, just that nagging thought at the back of my mind. Im just so paranoid hes gona cheat on me n leave me for another, more attractive woman who has a job and doesnt have a fucked up brain. i keep having nightmares of just walking in on him and another woman.
    i miss my dad. he died 2 years ago. but i dont live upto his death... what i mean is i forget about him being dead. i forget about my daddy so i dont have to remember that hes no longer here. someone once described love as 'not being able to imagine 1 day without that person in your life'. i love my dad. i still cant imagine life without him. so i forget. i forget my dad. then i can go on living life as if it never happened. just the thought of me doing it makes me feel so sick. its disgusting! i remember my grans and grandad n everyone else whos passed on, but him, i choose to forget. its almost as if he was a bad parent, like he beat me or did horrendous things. he was a great dad and a great man and i just forget him. you know how hard it is to forget someone you love? its bloody difficult ill have you know. but its easier than facing upto the fact ill never see him, never get my big daddy cuddles, never hear his stupid jokes or yell at him for smoking. ill never get his advise, he never took me driving, he didnt get to hold his granchild (no child yet, nor planning to have one for awhile). We missed out on so much. and i forget what i missed, what i had, everything just to stop me being as i am now. in pieces.
    thanks for reading if you did, i love the people on this forum, your so supportive and loving x
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Good you have you bf hun supporting you through all this. You say you forget you dad but you don't hun he will always be there beside you What he taught to you the kind of person he was he past that on to YOU hun. I hope in time the doctor find a way to manage your pain. Have you ask you doc to refer you to a pain specialist if not perhaps you could hun
    Hugs toyou