i am in a horrible mood and i shouldn't be. but i am, i am, i am. i feel out of place everywhere. and horribly cliched! ugh. i just don't want to be me. or just, a MUCH better version of me. i am too stubborn to admit right now that i probably am feeling shite because i'm tired. BUT WHY AM I TIRED? i haven't slept well in days. . . and i don't know why, normally i can control my sleep, no matter how shite i feel or how much i want to end myself or others around me. rawr. I HATE DISTANCE. and i hate myself. rawrrrrr. stupid fucking distance. . . basically the guy i'm with (partially, anyway ¬¬) lives bloody ages away i mean okay it could be a lot worse i mean it is only 3 hours tops but still i mean ughhhhh, i cannot help it, i really REALLY like him and it's not fairrrrrrrrr. and i have school soon. next week. i am DEAD. i have sooo much work and i know i'm not going to do it because that's what i'm like and i'm in so much trouble already. i have been avoiding most of my teachers and have gotten letters home and reports and all sorts of crapola from everyone. aaagh. i also have counselling appointment, with parents, on friday and it will be so pointless as ever. i hate it. i can't talk. i don't know how. i don't like counsellors. solely based on the two counsellors i know but for fuck's sake how are you supposed to say anything real to these people? i know i'm foolish to not do anything about it if counselling isn't working, but i'm too tired with life in general to bother. i mean, i know i won't kill myself, i've tried lamely several times and i know i won't do it, even if i try i will be saved and it will make everyone and everything worse for knowing i am still this horrible mess. i have no reason to! i wallow in all my self pity but it's absolute BULLSHIT. i have no reason at all to not appreciate my life. i'm tired of being tired. i'm tired of everything not being good enough. i have to go. mehhh this is a load of bullshit. i shouldn't have written it. meh. i shall post it anyways, just so something can happen in my bullshit of a life.