I have done very well over the last few months. I did think I was suffering from Seasonal Adjusted Disorder which explained my low spirits every winter and kind of decided that was the answer to all my problems. Then after recieving medication from my doctor and lining up counselling I suddenly went the other route, decided I didn't have Seasonal Adjusted Disorder, that medication was not the answer, that I was just plain moaning, that I had a lot going for me in my life and that I should be happy with what I had. The sun started coming out, the days started getting longer, my fiends said I was doing really well, I went on a holiday to Antigua and I am going to New York next month. I've even been decorating rooms in my home and thinking about future projects. And then today it has come back. Well it has been simmering for the last few days but today that old feeling has reared its head and I am in a slight state of panic. So many times I have been in this situation so I know the routine. I feel a combination of being tired, disjointed, lack of focus which then moves onto confusion, feelings of loneliness, intense guilt, self-hatred and so on. The stupid thing is I don't know what to do. I have thought about phoning a couple of friends of mine but to say what?! I am down again? I feel I will just be imposing, that I would have failed, that all my power positive thinking would have been in vain. I have to keep going... but it is there almost taunting from the side lines. So there you go. Old stuff for those that know, me using the SF rooms to sound off which I am always grateful for but I am drawing a blank. Depression is maybe a reminder to me that things in my life are unresolved. I am adept at denying through working lots of hours (60 to 70 hours a week) or drinking but I have cut back on them recently. I don't feel suicidal. I just know I am heading for a fall. It is like being at a party and there is no sound. Like watching a sunset with no colour. Like smelling a rose but no scent. Thanks for reading.