So i don't even know why im writing this or where its gonna lead too.I'm hoping that by writing down some of this stuff then i can make some sense of it. Not expecting it to just make sense out of the blue because i haven't being able to make sense of it for years, practically my whole life. I just need this out. I need it out of my head even if its for 5 mins. I'm not expecting anyone to read, reply or even give a damn about me or this post. This is for my benefit. My whole childhood i felt ... left out. I felt like anything i did was never good for anyone. Always felt like the odd one out. Always the one that was in trouble, did wrong or should have known better. Yes i made my mistakes but who hasn't? I felt submissive towards my mother. We did what we were told and when we were told in fear of what might happen. I won't go into what did happen. Thats something i've never discussed with anyone and i don't plan on it. Even today i let myself get into the same situation. Some people it's fine and i take it as a joke. Others its not. As much as i let people control me, i hate it. I absolutely loath it. The reason for that being that it reminds me of the control my Father had other my Mum but i'll go into that in a bit. I truely believe that if i hadn't been made to feel the way i did when i was younger then I wouldn't be the way i am today. The last few months have been hell. I've watched my life slip away and i can't seem to stop it. It's like i'm sitting on the outside, looking in and i don't like what i see. I hate who i am. I hate that i'm too scared to leave this house half the time. If i go out it has to be with someone i know and trust. If not i panic. I use to panic a lot in the past. I absolutely hated going to college because i felt inferior to everyone else. Even there i didn't fit in. That was part of the reason i got so messed up and had to drop out. It's a big reason that i can't go back to college. The last year and a half it got better. I would go out with friends. Go out clubbing. I had a confidence that i didn't have before. I put all my trust into someone. Was promised that i'd be kept safe, now thats gone i don't feel safe anywhere and rarely with anyone. In all honesty i'd love to have some structure to my life. I'd love to have a job and be able to make my own money but how do i do that when i'm scared of leaving the house? How do i do that when i would need to trust those around me and nearly everyone that i've ever truely trusted have screwed me over? How the hell do i get over the panic attacks of being in a social interaction? Having complete strangers just talking ... looking at me. The thought of it makes me want to be sick. I don't even go to my doctor anymore because of the exact same thing. I've tried councelling and that did nothing. I just sat there feeling uncomfortable. It gave me even more reason to not want to go outside. To not want to talk to anyone. Anyone who knows me will know i have this thing with caps ..... some people think it's because i'm a tomboy and wanna look like one. It's not. I tend to wear a cap when in society or when on cam to anyone or things like that. It helps me hide. I don't expect anyone to understand this in the slightest. When i walk in the streets I pull the cap down so no one can see my face. It makes me feel .... invisible in some aspect. It stop people looking, talking or even acknowledging that i'm there. How do i stop a habbit of a life time because i can't seem to find a way. My family has been torn apart. A load of crap went down a few years back. In the end it turned into a massive fight. To the point where some of my family members wanted to beat the living crap out of my brother. I miss the old days. I miss the days when we were actually a family. A family that cared about each other and would stand by each other no matter what. I'd give anything to be able to go back to those days. I want the whole family to be able to sit in one room, to spend a christmas together again. But the men in this family are so bloody stubbon and haven't stopped to think what it's like for the rest of us. Don't give a damn what me and Josh think about the whole me. I have to spend each christmas torn between two places. My brother spends it alone, i fear each year that we're gonna come back home and find him dead. I can't live my life being constantly torn between people that i love. It's killing me inside. It's at the point where i daren't even mention his name infront of my Granddad or Matt. That life is never gonna be that same and yes it's his own fault, yes he did make some stupid mistakes. I didn't talk to my own flesh and blood for nearly a year. Not a single word. He's prooved to me that he's sorry. He's made up for his mistakes with me. He's told me he loves me and he has NEVER said that to me before. He may have made his mistakes but he's my brother. I will love him regardless of what he's done. My whole life has revolved around violence in some way. My Dad was violent towards my Mother. Josh's dad was violent towards my Mother and then theres my child hood, which again i don't plan on talking about with anyone, never have done. I have one big fear .... and thats that i turn out like him. Me and Steven both have tempers on us and we've shown that. He's put his fist through a window in this house and 2 in the block. He's even whacked me round the head with a cricket bat before. I've had numerous black and blue hands from where i've taken my anger out on myself by punching the wall. How do you break free of something that you've always known? I don't like my anger. Not the only time violence has been put upon me. I don't like how sometimes i can't control it. There are some people i will NEVER raise a fist to, no matter what. But deep down i know that if i lost it completely i could do someone some serious damage and i hate that about me. I hate having that feeling deep down. I want that gone because it just brings me down but i don't know how to. I associate violence with my Father, i always have done. I don't want any connection with him what so ever. I don't wanna be him. I don't want his DNA in my body. If i could i would let myself bleed out, destroy my whole body so i am no part of him. The only way i can think of is to destroy me. In saying that, how do you love someone you hate with all your might? It's not just with my Dad either. It's with a few other people. My Dad lost the right to that title the day he turned into an arsehole. My head is telling me two conflicting things and it's driving me insane. Firstly, it's that hes an arsehole and he doesn't deserve anything but pure pain. Secondly, my head wonders what he's like, what he looks like, what he smells like, if he has any other kids, if i have more brothers or even a sister. I need to sort out what i want. My brother wants to get in contact with him. Infact i got my Dad's sisters phone number a few months back. He was too scared to call, he asked me to do it. I didn't really want to but i did for him because i knew how much it meant to him. So i rang it, a girl answered said that Sue wasn't there so i hung up. That was the only contact i ever had. Since then i've lost the number, Stevens been asking for it again. I truthfully don't think that getting in contact with our Dad is the best thing for him but i can't. I can't sit there and tell him that i know he will turn his back on him. He's done nothing for us since the day each of us were born why is he gonna give a damn now? I can't shatter his thoughts but if i let him get in touch Dad's just gonna shatter it for him. Then theres the big if .... what if he doesn't. What if Steven gets in touch and Dad wants to be apart of our lifes. What do i do then? Its the two conflicting thoughts again. Do i want my Dad back in my life, i will always love him because he is my Dad or do i tell him to go to hell. Truthfully i'd feel pressured into it if it did happen. I know Steven wouldn't wanna do it alone, he's told me that. He's told me that he needs help, he needs support and that i'm the only one that can give it to him because we are in the same boat. Do i be selfish and dash his dreams or do i do what i've always done and do what i'm told. The two conflicting thoughts applys to alot of what goes on in my head. I can be very indecisive and this leads to massive problems when i'm trying to sort out a lot of crap that goes on in my head. I'm having a lot of conflicting feelings about a lot of things. It ranges from wether to go out or not to the people that i have feelings for. It's always been a major problem from me. People that know me in real life know this. I'll agree to one thing like going out or something like that ... then i panic and cancel. Then i change my mind, then i change it again. It's like a whirlwind in my head and i can't stop or even slow it down to be able to control it in the slightest. Kinda fucks up alot of things in my life to be honest. My heards a fuck up right now. I need it to stop and i need it to stop soon but i have no idea how to make it stop or at least gain some control.