Letting it out

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by The Anonymous, May 28, 2011.

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  1. The Anonymous

    The Anonymous New Member

    Ok, I'm gonna let it all out! I don't exactly have any friends to talk to so...
    When I was really little, I was cute and pretty and normal. Then when I was about six, I started changing. Or rather I didn't change. Most kids develope so they get more mature, but not me. I had a condition where my reflexes didn't develope. It meant if someone hurt my feelings I would either hit them or run. Stupidly I was talking karate lessons so I usually took the 'hit' option.
    So with this curse I stayed at the same school for 9 years. I was oddly opamisic every day though, just getting up thinking that, maybe today would be better. Everyone thought my behavior was my falt and I was doing it all on purpous. Everyone feared me, yet went out of thier way to wind me up to see how I would react.
    I could tell I wasn't normal. When you know that your not the same as everyone else and you are treated like a freek for it it really hurts.
    Well... when I was 12 my parents finally twigged I wasn't at all happy at my school. They sent me to another school. Over the summer holidays waiting to start my new school I had no one to talk to. No one from my old school would talk to me because they were finally glad to see the back of me. I comfort-ate and gained a fair bit of wheight. I played those online animated games where you can talk to people from all over the world. I was popular and liked on them and I could be anything! No reactions, No harsh comments and all the talking I needed to stay sane. It didn't matter how smart the other person is. (another social problem I have is that I, not being vain, am fairly smart. I find talking to people with an IQ lower than 110 very fustrating.)
    My mum took me to a child psychologist. No luck there. I don't know how my mum even thought of this idea but she took me to a lady who finally diagnosed me for what I had. I had to go there once a month and she would show me routines I had to do to get rid of the problem. Added to this I had a new school, a new home and my parents had split up. The lady curing me had warned me it would get worse before it gets better.
    My new class mates got my wrath. I never meant any of it and usually I am a well-natured person until something scares me or someone is mean to me. I slowly got better. But my class mates still think that I am a crazy person that goes round hitting people when I'm not going to, and perpousfully trying to wind me up.
    When I try to talk to them, or if I even open my mouth they 'Shut UP!' and in thier eyes I'm not alowed an oppionion or a voice. I might as well not be there.
    I tried explaining how I feel to my mum. All she did was go into a big angree frenzy about how me being upset makes her upset and she managed to make me feel worse... My dad isn't the 'understanding' type. My brother has the sun shining out of his backside and is a black belt in karate, has a loaded girlfriend, goes to the best school ever, is grade 8 pianist and popular. I can't live up to that with my reputation. All I'm good at is making up fantacy worlds becuase thats where I want to be. It keeps me sane.

    Thank you so much for letting me let that out, but I still don't see why I bother with life.... Hasn't done me any good.
    Also, please don't say that I should think about what life is worth and everything because I don't think I could sell mine for more that a few pennies.
  2. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Hello and greetings to 'The Anonymous'

    We're all 'cute' when we are little - but this soon changes. I mean that sweet niece, aged 6, turns into Gothic Punk Rebel aged 16. Sometimes the cute child turns into a troubled teen - but the important thing is for parents to allow children the space to find their own identity.

    Still, I don't really care what image people adopt - some wear an image - but others like yourself, maybe you adopt a kind of image and I think I was a bit similar when younger at times.

    As for not developing - or a condition were your reflexes did not develop - are you referring to emotional reflexes? I mean, if your doing Karate, I'm assuming your not physically disabled.

    Karate is a great achievement - takes discipline to go week in and week out. But as ever with contact sports - you really need to have some discipline with regards to using those skills on others.

    you do not come across as a bully - your just troubled in mind and struggling to enjoy this period of your life. The good news is - this does not last that long - but even so, I bet you could get along the kids a bit better just by not giving a reaction. You see - kids in school want reactions when winding people up - I can remember many kids who would never give the reaction - would raise two fingers, or the peace sign.

    Someone I know, got into trouble in school for defending some young kid from a bully using Karate - I praised the child who defended the young kid and told him that he had done nothing wrong. All you need to do is have a morality about who you hit. I'll never hesitate with a bully hitting - and will run in every time. But I'd NEVER dream of hitting anyone now, just for the hell of it.

    People who say that nobody should hit a bully - might as well just bend over now - and wait for that kick up the ass. I'm a peace loving guy - 100%, but sometimes peace is the space created by men who have battled certain adversaries, regimes, oppressive governments and so on.

    What you have done with your new class mates - is perhaps give them an extra added value of a chance of making some fun of 'the new kid'. But - some WILL be wind up merchants - who will see your weak spot and manipulate it.

    I was just like you at school - played the clown but also got angry enough now and again to want to get involved in a fight. Thankfully with an all boys school a boy could fight to his hearts content with other boys who wanted to fight you. The next day, we're all getting on together again.

    Punching the little kid impressed nobody - but standing up to the school bully - 6 foot 2 of sheer malice - and getting your ass whupped, was considered to be good.

    Anyhow, some of the kids at this new school have you 'tagged' as someone to wind up - all you got to do is ignore - flash the peace sign at them. If any try to physically harm you - they are bullies and need to be on the floor, looking at you. You have a skill which I'm sure many other kids in the school wish they had. All the so called mates of the little clique into winding up the new kid - are just cronies.

    As for telling you about how great life is and how much its worth to you - I'm not going to patronise you - and be you clever or just average, that would be the same.

    However, because your a pretty bright young man - I'll agree that your life does not sound like its one you'd leap out of bed in the morning for. I'll agfree that in your estimation your only worth a few pennies. That's what you think so throwing some fine words into the mix is not going to fool you in the least.

    But take this objectively - forget its you - pretend that you were presented with a 'case-load' which had inside your life's details so far.

    You would see someone whose parents divorced, so I presume your mother is a good mother and has held things together.

    Your in a new school - that is a pressure for any child - especially if you are young.

    You LET people wind you up and get tagged as the kid to wind up. Trust me - no reaction from you will soon see the kids get bored and likely turn on each other.

    Your intelligent - so, once you settle down and do some work (which is what schools are for) you will be able to focus on perhaps learning things which might see you employed in something you'd like to be employed in.

    Some of the kids winding you up - some know they are already failures with regards to education - others will come from homes WORSE than yours. Make no mistake - a few will be on anti depressants also. And their parents.

    A BIG bonus for you will happen soon enough when you meet a nice women - like your brother has. But although the sun shines out of his whatever - I bet your brother is fond of you - he may not show it but your his little brother and he would be heartbroken if anything happened to you.

    Anyhow, - like I say, what is going on in your life - it seems complicated but in reality its just a few changes you need to make to allow things to get better.

    You have some depression - you are intelligent enough to know what depression is - you are also intelligent enough to know that nobody who has suffered depression will see your own appraisal of your life to be wrong. To you it is 100% right, but depression is good at creating narratives in which we are failures.

    In your depressed self - you are worth a few pennies

    But somewhere else in the same mind - you know that you are priceless.

    Good luck!
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...so glad you shared with us...if it of any comfort, I was the class geek, the one they would send to the 'slow room' to punish me because I asked questions they could not answer...I was abused at home and tortured in school...move forward to today...I have friends, a good business and feel as best as possible about myself...keep sharing and finding your voice..keep telling your mom that you want help to find a way to get ppl to see your change...people perceiving change takes a long time...act as you feel better represents yourself and maybe someone will notice...but please do not have judgements about others that may not be warranted (e.g. your IQ). I have met many ppl who state they have 'normal IQs' and who are very wise...do not cut off the opportunity to learn from those willing to teach and please do not proport any more discrimination...you know how it feels...best of luck and thanks for sharing...J
  4. Warrioress

    Warrioress Active Member

    I understand to some extent. I was bullied in school myself. I don't have anything helpful to say, but I'm posting only to send lots of hugs your way :hug:
  5. The Anonymous

    The Anonymous New Member

    Ya know, I was feeling really down because I don't have much to do with my time. I came on here and read the comments and I feel genuinely better for it :) thank you.
    Also, I am sorry if I put this in the wrong forum. I was unaware of the other options.
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