Letting loose and letting go

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I realized tonight that yes I do have issues, I do have a lot of problems, and I do need to take a step back and try to resolve them. My first issue is my recent issues with not being able to stop taking oxycodone. It's not so much the thrill of popping the pills, it's the easing of the pain that has made me so reliant on them. Granted I know they are probably killing my insides, they make me feel like crap in the morning and to be honest I haven't been eating in the past week because I can't stomach them. Tonight was my first night off of them. The first real night that I took a stand even though my whole body aches abd my head is throbbing at least I know that I'm not on some little pill. I dont know how long it'll last, I'm hoping it's for good but I know in the back of my mind those pills are still there b/c I dont have the strength to throw them away. It's like a safety net.

I also realized last night/this morning that in the realm of the world online and off I am alone. I know there are people that "care" about me and wish me the best in my life and want me to be safe but that doesn't mean I'm not alone. I am just living and breathing, other than that I'm empty. I am a walking zombie half the time, I don't go out, I have no friends, I'm truly alone. People tend to think that I exaggerate when I say that I have no friends but the cold hard truth is that I spend more time alone in my room and in front of this screen. I don't trust people to the full extent, there isn't a soul out there that knows everything about me because I know what that will mean if I do tell people. I know that my whole self would be exposed to scrutiny and possible manipulation if I let these things out. I live in a closed and sheltered world, I don't talk to people, I don't know that I ever will be happy. I dont know if I will ever truly be whole. In the realm of loneliness I've filled myself with it. I know that their are people here that care but that only goes so far and so much. I have this deep terrible fear that people here once I sign off or once I stop talking they all start talking about me, same as for real life. I feel like everyone in regards to here actually hates me and is just nice to my face because they pity me. Granted that may not be wholly true or even true at all but my insecurities overshadow what peoples true intentions may be. Its sad because i see people that are so close and I yearn for that..i feel like an outcast, like a nuisance, like someone that if she really did slip away it owuldn't matter a damn bit. No, this is not me saying I'm going to do anything I'm just saying i feel so empty and so alone that I don't think it would matter.

I feel the need to release everything tonight so bare with me...im sorry.

16- This goes back to before I was 16 but I don't think the depression and the anxiety of what people thought of me started until I was 16. For as long as I can remember my mom would always put me down, I mean always. Little things I did she'd yell at me and call me stupid and worthless. If the kitchen wasn't clean to her liking she'd rip it apart and call me an idiot. There could be one dish out of place and she'd lose it. She always picked at me about my weight, which I know I'm not skinny but still a mother shouldn't say the things she did. She told me that she wanted me to wear her wedding dress when I got married(which ill be alone forever) but I'd never fit into it b/c I was the fat girl. That's when my insecurities about my weight started and when I stopped eating in front of her, when I started realizing that I was fat and that no guy would ever want me. I hate(d) my mother for her cruelty and I hated myself for letting her words dig such a hole in my heart. One day she cornered mea nd told me she'd read my poems so I basically spit in her face and said yeah that's right you make me wnat to die and I want to kill myself. She smacked me and told me that I would never do it. I first Od'd when I was 17. I dont know if it was me trying to prove to my mother that I wasn't a coward and that I could finish something even if she said I couldn't . She showed up at the hospital with such disgust in her eyes that it made me sickto even thnk that I had to go back home.

17- jr/sr. year of high school I lashed out a lot. If a girl would look at me the wrong way I'd grab her by the hair and drag her to the ground and completely lose it. They made me go to anger management and their words were "here suck on a lollipop that surpresses anger" no word of a lie thats what they said when i walked in so i rolled my eyes and sat through that. I didnt have my first boyfriend til senior year but whatever I didnt really care much, I mean I really liked the guy and I thought he really liked me. Come to find out all that guy wanted was to hold me down and rape me. Insisting that he didn't believe I was a virgin he took the one thing to this day I wish I had back, the one treasured and meaningful thing that I called mine he stole. He robbed me of so many things and I will never forgive him. Neither of my parents know about what happened because i knew what they would say. I saw the guy once like 2 years after it happened and I was so angry that I walked up to him and punched him in his face. After that I never saw him again and I am so thankful because i think that I would be in jail.

The years went on and I went to apply to college to go to school to become of all things a psychologist. My mom detered me from that saying that I'm too stupid for that and it woudl never happen. I realize now that after all these years my mom was holding me back b/c she didn't wnat me to be better than her and it's sick and it's sad. So, i didnt go to college I've been from one dead end job to the other. What breaks my heart the most is that my dad told my younger brother that i was a failure...my dad is my hero and it kills me to know he feels that way.

At 21 I got pregnant, it wasn't a serious relationship, as a matter of fact I know that he was just using me for sex. after I was raped I let guys do whatever they wanted to me. I didnt care anymore, i was tainted and ruined so it didn't matter much to me what happened. We were only together for two weeks and the last thing that he wanted was a child from a whore. He told me that he would never be around, that he didnt want this child, that he'd pay for the abortion, so I made the dumbest mistake of my life and told him okay. All these years I've made myself believe that he forced me to do this but it was my choice. I live everyday wondering what my child would have been like, instead I sucked the life out of me and I hate myself so much for that. After that I became really withdrawn, I woudln't talk to anyone, I hated the world but mostly i hated myself. That was my second attempt, I stole my dad's bottle of pain killers and just popped. Part of me is thankful it didn't work because if i had succeeded i would have never met my beautiful nephew. He is what keeps me here no matter how low I get, but I also hate when people use that against me because using him as leverage does not help and it won't work.

So today at 27 I feel empty, alone and worthless. I feel like my main purpose in life is to spread my legs and let guys just fuck me than leave. I'm walked all over in my house so why not in the real world too. I'm sorry if this was long but that was what it took to get most of what im feeling out. It's all so twisted and fucked up I know....so..yeah don't pity me b/c i dont want or need it. Just understand that...i'm not okay.....
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