Letting My Imagination Run Wild

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Julia-C, Jul 14, 2011.

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  1. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    The last few days I have had to force myself to stay busy, and keep my mind constantly occupied. If I don't I keep thinking about the past and all the abuse my father put me through. It seems if I think about it for more then a few seconds I become so angry I want to scream. Not just scream at the wall, but scream at anything and anyone around. My nerves are on edge and I feel like I am losing it. I feel like an anger is taking charge of my imagination that I worry I soon won't be able to control.

    I have gone through stages of fear, anger, guilt, more fear, more guilt, but now this anger it turning to rage. I keep picturing myself doing things to my dad who isn't even alive anymore. I am doing cruel things out of rage, anger, and revenge. I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to have thoughts like he did. I feel like he is invading who I am and I am becoming him. I don't know what to do.
     
  2. LonerForever

    LonerForever Well-Known Member

    I think it's wrong to think of you being angry as something wrong. You went through something horrific. It is only right that you feel anger towards the person who did it, no matter who that person is. You are far from becoming him. Your feelings are in response to what happened, not because you want to do it to someone yourself. Everyone has the capacity for good and bad, but what matters is which part we choose to act on. That's what defines who we are and how others respond to us. For as long as you don't want to become him, you won't. That's what separates you... The desire to be better than what he was.

    What is important is that you find a healthy outlet for it before it becomes unhealthy. Think about what you enjoy and what distracts you from the world, but remember it needs to be something healthy. No one here wants to see you get hurt. Everyone here is ready to support you no matter what might happen :)
     
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Even though your mind lets you think you are becoming him, you are not. you are you, a different person than him. Your anger is because of him, not due to you.

    When that anger comes, what can you do for yourself? I know you said about keeping busy and that's ok short term. But long term, I'm not so sure. If you are still with therapy can you ask for suggestions to help that rage dissipate once it hits you?

    I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, but please remember you are trying your best. Don't be upset with yourself about your emotions.

    Take good care.
     
  4. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys
     
  5. Jeserai

    Jeserai Well-Known Member

    Maybe it can help to go to the woods and scream really loud.
    Or take a pillow and beat in it.
     
  6. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    I went out target practicing this morning. It usually make me feel better. It did a little.
     
  7. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thinking about you, hoping your a little better tonight.
     
  8. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Seriously, when my grandfather died I stewed on thoughts of digging him up and stomping his remains into dust. I prayed he'd never have a moments peace and would rot in hell.
    Then one night, out of nowhere, I forgave him.
    Just like that, with no idea where it came from or why, I actually prayed for his perverted rotten soul.
    I cannot explain what happened next, I felt the most incredible love envelope me........ an epiphany? I don't know, but I do know I felt cleansed and for the first time in years I WAS FREE, free of him, Free of all the poisonous bile that had eaten me away.
    I can never forget, but forgiving set me free.
     
  9. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    Terry I have said many times that I have forgiven him and my mother on here and posts made on my own blog (no longer exists), but in reality I don't know if I have. Seems like everyday I find out a little bit more about what he and my mother did to me. I'm beginning to think I'm not able to truly forgive them until I understand the extent of their abuse. IDK, I'm not making much sense.
     
  10. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Makes absolutely perfect sense.
    I had a swiss cheese memory (full of holes) for a long time and would be suddenly flattened by a memory out of nowhere.
    It was only with remembering that real forgiveness can come, I guess :unsure:
    While still being hit with yet another memory, you are in a state of "yet something else to knock the legs out from you".
    Remembering also requires a bloody good therapist to circumnavigate the memory, doing it alone is just awful.
    It's a long journey, a painful one and I found smashing glass helped no end with the anger. Beating up a duvet helped too.
     
  11. Pip28

    Pip28 Well-Known Member

    I know it's not something you might want to hear right now but I thank you for posting everything you have so far, I've read it all and you inspire me, the bravery you show and must deal with everyday makes me feel humbled, my only wish is to know you better because you are and I have no other word but awesome, I truely wish you all the happiness I can ever give. Love you even that I don't know you xxx
     
  12. Patience

    Patience Member

    I agree with the poster above me. The fact that you took time to tell people about it already shows that you're on the right track. You have brighter days ahead, I'm sure of it. These things normally take an extremely large amount of time to get over. I had anger build up from many things, but when I found more and more ways to occupy my time, it slowly started to fade. Try doing different things with your life every now and then, if you find something that you're really interested in, then you'll feel happier. I know it's difficult to find things that you'll really enjoy, but it helps in the end.
     
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