So this week I screwed up every turn I made. Last Friday was the first anniversary of my friend's suicide and it was very triggering for me. Well, my friends wanted to party that night, so naturally we drank. Well, I tried to out drink my pain, which apparently is not possible. I ended up getting really sick at a party, to the point where the president of the frat escorted me home and called the on campus medical service. Being drunk, I naturally lost my inhibitions and started breaking down. I didn't tell them about my suicidal thoughts because I didn't want to be MHA'ed, but because I was crying hysterically and talking about my friend, they decided I needed psych help. I've been to the psych ward with my friend, and I know it takes HOURS for a doctor to see you, so I tried to tell them that I was having a normal grieving reaction and that I would go to the ER per campus policy, but they had to promise that they wouldn't turf me to psych because they had no grounds. Well, apparently that was enough resisting for the campus medical team to call EMS, who called the police, so there ended up being like 3 security guards, 2 cops, and 5 medics at the scene. And me sobbing like a fool in the middle of it. They sent me to the psych ward, even though I still firmly believe they shouldn't have had the right since I wasn't MHA'ed. But anyway, the reason this is so upsetting is because I totally embarrassed the friend I went out with that night and caused a ton of drama for her on a night that was supposed to be fun. I feel so shitty and I don't know if she'll ever want to party with me again. She was one of my closest friends and I screwed up royally with her.
The second thing that I did wrong this week was in the lab. I was doing an experiment and I screwed up one of the steps because it wasn't clear on the protocol. I had a gut instinct on how to do it right, but because I doubt myself constantly, I just went with the protocol. Now I wasted lab materials and I feel like an idiot. I don't know how my coworker is going to react because I told her that as long as I had the protocol I could handle it on my own. I wish I had just listened to myself.
The third thing is because I've been so upset by Friday and whatnot, I didn't study for one of my exams. My depression just makes it so hard to be alive, let alone do anything productive. I freaking hate myself because I'm probably going to fail the class and I KNOW that I can do the work. I just can't make myself. I know it sounds lazy, but I just... I don't know how to describe it. I just can't.
Anyway, long story short, I completely embarrassed myself this week and I've been screwing up left and right. I'm so angry at myself. I just want to restart this semester and do things right. In fact, I want to go back to Freshman year and do things right. I'm just such a screw up -_-
The second thing that I did wrong this week was in the lab. I was doing an experiment and I screwed up one of the steps because it wasn't clear on the protocol. I had a gut instinct on how to do it right, but because I doubt myself constantly, I just went with the protocol. Now I wasted lab materials and I feel like an idiot. I don't know how my coworker is going to react because I told her that as long as I had the protocol I could handle it on my own. I wish I had just listened to myself.
The third thing is because I've been so upset by Friday and whatnot, I didn't study for one of my exams. My depression just makes it so hard to be alive, let alone do anything productive. I freaking hate myself because I'm probably going to fail the class and I KNOW that I can do the work. I just can't make myself. I know it sounds lazy, but I just... I don't know how to describe it. I just can't.
Anyway, long story short, I completely embarrassed myself this week and I've been screwing up left and right. I'm so angry at myself. I just want to restart this semester and do things right. In fact, I want to go back to Freshman year and do things right. I'm just such a screw up -_-