Letting People Down (TW)

[S8pxph]

So this week I screwed up every turn I made. Last Friday was the first anniversary of my friend's suicide and it was very triggering for me. Well, my friends wanted to party that night, so naturally we drank. Well, I tried to out drink my pain, which apparently is not possible. I ended up getting really sick at a party, to the point where the president of the frat escorted me home and called the on campus medical service. Being drunk, I naturally lost my inhibitions and started breaking down. I didn't tell them about my suicidal thoughts because I didn't want to be MHA'ed, but because I was crying hysterically and talking about my friend, they decided I needed psych help. I've been to the psych ward with my friend, and I know it takes HOURS for a doctor to see you, so I tried to tell them that I was having a normal grieving reaction and that I would go to the ER per campus policy, but they had to promise that they wouldn't turf me to psych because they had no grounds. Well, apparently that was enough resisting for the campus medical team to call EMS, who called the police, so there ended up being like 3 security guards, 2 cops, and 5 medics at the scene. And me sobbing like a fool in the middle of it. They sent me to the psych ward, even though I still firmly believe they shouldn't have had the right since I wasn't MHA'ed. But anyway, the reason this is so upsetting is because I totally embarrassed the friend I went out with that night and caused a ton of drama for her on a night that was supposed to be fun. I feel so shitty and I don't know if she'll ever want to party with me again. She was one of my closest friends and I screwed up royally with her.

The second thing that I did wrong this week was in the lab. I was doing an experiment and I screwed up one of the steps because it wasn't clear on the protocol. I had a gut instinct on how to do it right, but because I doubt myself constantly, I just went with the protocol. Now I wasted lab materials and I feel like an idiot. I don't know how my coworker is going to react because I told her that as long as I had the protocol I could handle it on my own. I wish I had just listened to myself.

The third thing is because I've been so upset by Friday and whatnot, I didn't study for one of my exams. My depression just makes it so hard to be alive, let alone do anything productive. I freaking hate myself because I'm probably going to fail the class and I KNOW that I can do the work. I just can't make myself. I know it sounds lazy, but I just... I don't know how to describe it. I just can't.

Anyway, long story short, I completely embarrassed myself this week and I've been screwing up left and right. I'm so angry at myself. I just want to restart this semester and do things right. In fact, I want to go back to Freshman year and do things right. I'm just such a screw up -_-

 

[Isabel]

Hi S8,

Just a few thoughts here, I dont know what is your lab class, but usually the material used is not that expensive because most colleges operates on a shoe string budget and one place to cut cost is material. If the protocol was unclear, you would do a huge favor pointing it to the teacher and everybody else who will take the course in the future. Often times, when you write a protocol, it seems very clear to you until somebody tell you otherwise. If the teacher is worth his salt, he will be grateful and wont take it personally. Being able to take constructive criticism is essential to scientific people and usually very welcome. We learn by trials and errors, its the nature of the beast. Mistakes are just that, and not a refection on one intelligence or character.

As for your friend and the party. We all make fool of ourselves occasionally, and sometimes unfortunately, not at the best of time. Welcome to the human race! Right now it must awful for you, but soon enough you'll back and think that it was not such a big deal after all. You cried for the lost of a dear friend. People under the influence of alcohol have caused much, much more harmful things than embarrassing a friend. Take it as a experience where you learn much about your limits without much, if any harm done. I don't want to minimize your feelings about this atm. It must feel pretty darn embarrassing. I just have just found it useful in the past to put things in perspective and I thought that maybe it could help you to. Learning the lesson and moving on is sometimes the best we can do. Nice day to you

 

[S8pxph]

Oh, I'm sorry I was unclear. I work in a lab, so some of the materials I work with are quite expensive. I've been given my own project and I'm doing my best with it, but it's really over my head because I'm an undergrad and it's grad level stuff. My coworker is a post doc. Anyway, I've just been struggling a lot with it so I feel like I'm wasting their time trying to do this job, but they want me there, so idk. I just wanna be able to do it.

Also, about my friend, she didn't invite me to her birthday party this weekend, so I'm thinking that she's angry with me. I don't blame her, but it still upsets me.

And yeah, I know this stuff doesn't sound like that big of a deal. I don't know why it's bothering me so much, but it is.

 

[Sadeyes]

Ah...to be human! Firstly, how are you doing now? That is the most important; and are you safe? About shaming your friend, s/he will get over it and will find it an annoyance if you are OK...about the lab materials...that is why it is called an experiment...sometimes they fail...and lastly, about screwing up everything...isn't it sad we are not our own best friends at these times. Please know I am the Queen of screw ups so you cannot beat me...and I am available by PM anytime you want to compare wars stories, but I will fore warn you, mine are grant screw ups...thanks for sharing and big hugs

 

[Isabel]

Hi again,

If I can put your mind to ease, I managed labs and I can tell you one thing, honest mistakes are just run of mill stuff and do not worry about it. I did my fair share. The only really big issue are messing up with a sample when there is not enough material to repeat the analysis (those are uncommon cases except in forensic lab). And even then, that is bound to happen. Expensive equipment get broken, analysis get screwed, that is just normal and nothing to be worried about. One of my friend forgot to balance the samples in a very expensive centrifuge and the rotor was completely bend. It was mostly a lot of embarrassment for him, a bit of a strain on the budget and in the end a good laugh and a darn good story. The worst thing anybody can do is actually cover up a mistake which will create erroneous data. A tech did that once to me once and that one was not funny at all. I still think you should point out the lack of clarity in the protocol. This will be a big service that will go a long way. And as somebody said on another post, being safe is the most important. So wear your protective gears (just kidding but I do admit I am maniac with lab safety ). Of course being safe was referring to your emotional health. Hope you have a nice day.