Letting things out

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Velvetina, Sep 25, 2014.

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  1. Velvetina

    Velvetina Member

    So I came across this website earlier in the week while I was at work and had to close it quickly because my boss came over, but a lot of what I had read stayed with me and I found myself drawn to it again tonight, just because...

    God I don't even know. I'm just so done with everything, I have this internal ache all of the time and it hurts so badly. I feel like I try my best and everything I do just gets thrown back in my face. I can't remember the last time I was happy and I'm so incredibly sick of crying myself to sleep every night.

    I hate my life. I hate it so much to I find it hard to put into words - I was always taught to hide my emotions growing up and now I find it so hard to talk to anyone. Opening up to someone has only ever led to them betraying me and I'm so scared. I don't trust anyone or have anyone who really knows me. I hate my job, the people there are all mean and twisted, but with the state of the job market I feel like I'm trapped even though I'm so stressed that I throw up every morning before I go in. My boss goes out of her way to make my life harder and makes me feel about two inches tall and seems to delight in making me feel that way.

    I deal with continuous health problems that drain me and leaves me in constant pain, I find it hard to move properly and have taken to just always taking pain medication because if I don't I can't function. And I'm just fed up of hurting, I've been suicidal for as long as I can remember but have been too scared to take that final step.

    I don't see the point any more.
  2. razakel

    razakel New Member

    Hi. I may not be the best to reply to you since the post right under yours is mine...but I understand how you feel. On top of everything I go through my boss is the same way at my job. It used to be a place I could escape my life from, I'd go in on my days off just to get away. Since I got this boss, who me abd my family have a history with, my life has been even more of a hell. She cuts my hours at work to a point where I'm eating once a day, if that, for my food to last me. I made more cooking at mcdonalds on minumum wage 5 years ago then I do as a manager in retail now at 9.00 an hour. On top of her all my other co workers are selfish and liars. I do all their work in less then half the hours plus my own and them abd my boss constantly cut me down. Making me feel worse then just a bad employee but a useless human being altogether. I'm in a very small one bedroom apartment that I'm about to lose and be homeless because I can't pay my bills and havr no vehicle, which makes it thatmuch harder to find another job. I guess what I'm trying to say is your not the only one who feels this way and I'm hoping that it can bring atleast a small form of comfort that we both so desperately need. That you are not alone..
  3. (((Group hug)))
    I suffer too. Sorry i cant be more helpful. I feel your pain both of you. I feel this bad too. Why do so many of us have to suffer this way?
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there just want to let you know that there is a ''panic button'' option on the forum which if activated will appear on every page and when pressed you can divert this forum to any page/website!s

    Go to settings on the top right hand corner of the forum, then click on general settings. It will take you to another page and scroll down to the very bottom and it will be circled off, you can switch it to on- I hope that helps and now you can use this site at work.

    And welcome to the forums, I do hope you begin to feel a bit better soon with support :)
  5. Velvetina

    Velvetina Member

    Hi, I'm really sorry to hear you're having such a hard time, but I do empathises with you as you emphasise with me. You have to remember though that you're not a bad employee, you obviously care and try so hard to do your best and that is incredibly important.

    I've almost ended up going down the other route. The fact that everyone at works (especially my boss) makes me feel so small and worthless I've just given up because I don't care about the work any more. I used to be the model employee and would happily work long days and go the extra mile (I work in a office for context and used to be on a temp contract) but now... I feel awful because I was made to feel like I was nothing I've just given up, which has made me start to get sloppy and make mistakes and that then obviously has consequences.

    I've had to move in with my parents because when they gave me a full time contract they cut my wages so much that I could never hope to live on my own. I feel so isolated and angry all the time that I don't do anything with other people, or if I do I feel on edge like they're about to attack me. People have always ended up attacking me eventually and it just makes me feel like I don't have a place here.

    So yeah, if work is something you need to talk about because just putting the words down makes me feel a little better.
  6. Velvetina

    Velvetina Member

    *hugs back* Don't be sorry, having someone there is what's nice when you feel so alone. It just makes me feel so sick when I think of how awful I feel and then I know other people must feel this way too. Nobody deserves to hurt so much.
  7. Velvetina

    Velvetina Member

    Hi Petal,

    Thanks for this. When I found it earlier in the weak I'd been too nervous to actually join so I don't think the panic button was an option to me. But that's really helpful now, I appreciate it.
  8. saturniidae

    saturniidae Member

    Just like you I found this site earlier...I wasn't sure if I should join too.

    just like you wrote I was taught to hide my emotions. ...I don't know why I was raised in such a way.
    work used to be the only place that I could "escape"...I would work double shifts...and just go into work for anyone....anything to keep myself occupied.
    then just one night I couldn't do it anymore...the pain just started seeping through the cracks
    and I didn't want to be a problem for anyone.

    Your boss is a horrible person....why do people enjoy bringing down others?
  9. Velvetina

    Velvetina Member

    I feel really deeply that joining was the right thing for me to do. I've never been good at talking face to face but like this... I feel safe.

    I'm so sorry to hear that the one place you used to find solace has stopped for you - that is always awful. The one thing that you thought you could hold on to and then it suddenly seems to just vanish. I really hear you when you say you don't want to be a problem for anyone. I've spent my whole life trying to be as unnoticeable as possible.

    Yeah, she really is. I just don't understand why people like that always seem to succeed?!
  10. Jay19

    Jay19 Well-Known Member

    Hi, I am the same Velvetina, my family never really showed their emotions or be open and I hide them without even making the conscious effort to do so. I don't really know how to chance that, I am trying to be more open with people but then that has only led to them letting me down or betraying me as you have experienced. I just cant trust anyone anymore to open up to, yet my counsellor has said I need to as that will make me become closer to someone. Catch 22 I guess.
  11. Velvetina

    Velvetina Member

    That feels really familiar Jay. I tried to think of someone that I truly trust and I couldn't think of one single person. Especially not someone that I know offline. There are a few people that I have met through various forums over the internet who know me better than most people - but it comes back to the fact that I don't actually have to face the. When things get too tough though I have to try and remember that they know me and they still want to talk to me.

    I'm really sorry you feel this way too - I know how awful it is. But by coming here and starting to post on threads I feel like I (and hopefully you too!) am taking a step in the right direction and am starting to open up to people who actually understand.
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I am glad you feel safe here hun and hope you begin to feel better soon. :hug:

    If you need anything I am here :)
  13. Jay19

    Jay19 Well-Known Member

    I can't think of anyone either, I been hurt too many times so don't allow myself to get too deeply invested in them emotionally either. At the moment there is one co-worker who I am sharing alot with but I don't want to open myself up too much as I feel they are only taking a interest in me to make themselve feel better, guess its all down to taking the risk.

    Yes I do find it helpful opening up to people on here! I feel there's less risk involved opening up as we are all going through the same thing.
  14. Velvetina

    Velvetina Member

    Taking the risk is scary and just... ack.

    I'm really unlucky that I work with so many untrustworthy people. Everyone in my office backstabs everyone else and it's a nasty environment. Makes me feel sick that I have to go in and socialise with people like that. I'm just waiting for the next blow. I just want to hide in my little room and never leave it again - less painful
  15. Jay19

    Jay19 Well-Known Member

    I'm in the same boat, everyone at work basically bitches about each other behind their back yet nice to them to their face. Hence why I'm reluctant to confide in this one co-worker as she seems to chat/txt more to another co-worker (than me) yet she always says she hates him lol, just don't get it.

    But rationally not everyone is like the people at both our work places, it's safer to hide (which I still do) but I want to believe there are good people out there. Have you considered changing jobs? I'm currently looking myself.
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