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Lies, addiction, anxiety and lots of doubts

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by anotherdot, Apr 13, 2013.

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  1. anotherdot

    anotherdot Member

    I'm going to keep it short. If I started to write about my history or state of mind I could write a whole book.

    I've been going to the psychiatrist and therapist after a psychotic break two years ago. Last month I started to study Biochemistry in a pretty expensive university.

    I'm no longer having feelings about killing myself.

    I've never been actually depressed, just once I "recovered" myself from the psychotic/nervous breakdown I wasn't the same. I've been feeling emotionally detached for years, and unable to feel real joy or sadness, just anxiety and anger. And reality just feels like a dream, unreal.

    Therapy is quite a waste of time, not only because I don't have any hope of actually getting better, but mainly because I don't trust my therapist.

    I spent two months in a psych ward, and after almost two years of being useless I started the first year of biochemistry. I knew from the beginning that I'm not gonna be able to finish the career, or even the year. It was just a way to delay confrontation with my family, therapists, and friends (who still believe I have the same capabilities I had before the breakdown)

    But well, there are some other things I've kept for myself. I haven't been taking the antipsychotic medication for about 9 months, I am taking about three to four times the dose of Ativan I should take (which was 2.5mg). And... I've been using false prescriptions to get more Ativan. It doesn't have any effect on the anxiety anymore. I've tried taking up to 10 pills with alcohol and I barely felt sleepy.

    I don't see any possible positive ending.

    I'd be glad to hear your opinions.

    (I am not a native English speaker.)
  2. mynameisbrian

    mynameisbrian Active Member

    One thing - how about finding another therapist you can trust/like?
  3. anotherdot

    anotherdot Member

    I've tried two therapist, one who barely spoke, and one who is a judgmental b*tch. My psychiatrist isn't very nice either.

    I agree with you that finding a new therapist would be the next logical step, but going all over the shit I've been through again, and risk ending up with another incompetent shrink is not something I'm really looking forward to.

    I think I would actually have more chances trying to solve things myself than going through the ordeal of talking to someone about things I would rather not share.
  4. mynameisbrian

    mynameisbrian Active Member

    Don't give up. It took me 5 tries and some years to find the perfect therapist for me and he's very effective in helping me.

    Finding a therapist you connect with is comparable to trying to find a partner you have chemistry with. Would you give up on finding love after a few bad dates?

    Get a new psychiatrist too if you don't like the one you have. You are the one in charge of choosing the care you need. Find what's right for you.
  5. anotherdot

    anotherdot Member

    Thanks for the advice, I really wish I could find a therapist with a proper temperament, and a perceptive listener, rather than a talker and advice-giver who could do just the same work as someone who read a self-help book a few hours before.
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