My wife and I don't talk. I thought she knew that I don't love her. She acts like everything is peachy keen. For the past two years I have thought of suicide. Made plans but never had the courage to carry the plans out. Now she is forcing me into a corner. I don't think she is aware of what is happening. I feel disconnected and lonely. I don't even have the courage to talk to her. I am staying in this relationship because I am afraid of being alone. I have got to get out. Sober 17 years 3 months 10 days. It is getting more difficult with each passing hour. Mary why the hell did you leave me. I love you. My heart aches for you. Fuck it . . . fuck you . . . fuck life. I don't want to live. Damit.