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Well-Known Member
Haven't been on here in a while, thought I was doing better. I was happy (or so I thought) for a bit, in reality I was just pushing it all down and hiding it. Faking it for everyone else. Lying, as usual.
I'm in college- roommate got me into drinking, partying, generally being crazy. I have a boyfriend, I just drink to forget my life for a few hours (she does it to meet guys, feel like I should clear that up). I don't want to become an alcoholic and the boyfriend didn't like my drinking. So I stopped....but when I feel like this, I yearn to just...disappear from my life for a while. I feel like I want to just blur the edges enough to make everything happy and sunshiny and whatever.
I want to do the same with pain pills. I keep telling myself I'm better than that, I want to be a freaking doctor, I can't have those kinds of problems. I tell myself that so much....it's what keeps me holding on, some days...

The thing that spiraled me down this time was the boyfriend. Not his fault, mine. I have....so many issues with trusting people and getting close to them. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, in my life has either betrayed me or left me. My own parents even, when I was younger, tried to get rid of me. Ship me off to my grandparents. So obviously, I have trust issues. I can't show him how much I love him or he might hurt me. So I just waver between being sweet and loving to him (which is how I want to be all the time) and being a bitch. Which I hate. But I feel like I have to keep him from hurting me. I have to keep everyone from hurting me. Except he told me how I hurt him when I do that, when I act like I don't care, he takes it as me actually not caring. I tell him I don't want to hear about something, he takes it as I never want to hear him mention it again. And that is my fault. I hate being so terrified of letting him in, but I've never had a good experience with anyone in my life....

And then the crying starts tonight and I know I'm screwed. It'll start all over again, the not wanting to get out of bed, but forcing myself to because I have to go to work. The not wanting to eat, but forcing myself to because people at work will notice. Feeling like a disappointment to EVERYONE. Wanting basically nothing out of my life, but faking it even more. And then going home and crying once I'm finally alone. Going home and trying to convince myself that eventually everything is going to be okay and to SNAP OUT of being so dramatic. I know it's not actually me being dramatic, but I tell myself that...

I'm sick of lying to everyone in my life. Yet I have no one to talk to who will understand what I've been through and what it's done to me.


Well-Known Member
I can hide from the depression as long as nobody says anything remotely hurtful to me. But as soon as I get upset and start crying, I start going down, down, down. And I stay there until someone starts noticing, then I go back and hide it again, shove it down, force it to not manifest itself.
And when I get like this, I start to feel suicidal. I wonder how many Ambien it would take. What combination would hurt the least, would take the fastest, would be easiest to obtain. I know I shouldn't have these thoughts, but I do.
I feel so isolated. Like there is not a single soul in the world I can talk to without them FREAKING out and getting psychiatric help. Except, I told the boyfriend, and he doesn't really say very much at all. I felt like he was the one person who might sort of try to understand, but it just feels like he thinks I'm crazy. Or he's just numb to me. I can't handle psychiatry, just putting me on antidepressants and not really working out the issues. All I've ever had when I go to a psychiatrist is that they put me on meds and send me on my way.

I don't know what else to do. I'm so lost.
have you tried therapy? a therapist can't prescribe meds. they just listen and help you figure things out. they are good at the deep seated stuff, the pain from your childhood (sounds like you have a lot of sadness back there). why not give it a go.
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