Haven't been on here in a while, thought I was doing better. I was happy (or so I thought) for a bit, in reality I was just pushing it all down and hiding it. Faking it for everyone else. Lying, as usual. I'm in college- roommate got me into drinking, partying, generally being crazy. I have a boyfriend, I just drink to forget my life for a few hours (she does it to meet guys, feel like I should clear that up). I don't want to become an alcoholic and the boyfriend didn't like my drinking. So I stopped....but when I feel like this, I yearn to just...disappear from my life for a while. I feel like I want to just blur the edges enough to make everything happy and sunshiny and whatever. I want to do the same with pain pills. I keep telling myself I'm better than that, I want to be a freaking doctor, I can't have those kinds of problems. I tell myself that so much....it's what keeps me holding on, some days... The thing that spiraled me down this time was the boyfriend. Not his fault, mine. I have....so many issues with trusting people and getting close to them. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, in my life has either betrayed me or left me. My own parents even, when I was younger, tried to get rid of me. Ship me off to my grandparents. So obviously, I have trust issues. I can't show him how much I love him or he might hurt me. So I just waver between being sweet and loving to him (which is how I want to be all the time) and being a bitch. Which I hate. But I feel like I have to keep him from hurting me. I have to keep everyone from hurting me. Except he told me how I hurt him when I do that, when I act like I don't care, he takes it as me actually not caring. I tell him I don't want to hear about something, he takes it as I never want to hear him mention it again. And that is my fault. I hate being so terrified of letting him in, but I've never had a good experience with anyone in my life.... And then the crying starts tonight and I know I'm screwed. It'll start all over again, the not wanting to get out of bed, but forcing myself to because I have to go to work. The not wanting to eat, but forcing myself to because people at work will notice. Feeling like a disappointment to EVERYONE. Wanting basically nothing out of my life, but faking it even more. And then going home and crying once I'm finally alone. Going home and trying to convince myself that eventually everything is going to be okay and to SNAP OUT of being so dramatic. I know it's not actually me being dramatic, but I tell myself that... I'm sick of lying to everyone in my life. Yet I have no one to talk to who will understand what I've been through and what it's done to me.