Life 100% destroyed, $200,000 debt, can't feel pleasure due to heavy heroin use

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sol, Jul 28, 2009.

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  1. Sol

    Sol Member

    Hey everyone,

    I see a lot of people here with a lot of different issues that make them want to die, from heartbreak, to loneliness, to general despair, and so on. I would never judge the value of anyone's feelings, because I truly believe that you can't objectively measure whether someone's pain is valid, or how deep it is. Someone could live in complete misery from something like being a germophobe, which a lot of people might shrug off or think is silly.

    In many cases though, I think it can get better for them, and it is good that they come here to talk it out. To stall for time while they heal. But in other cases there are lives that just can never be put back together. What do you say to them?

    I am admittedly afraid to die, but I feel I have no other option. My life is really just about as destroyed as it can be. I was severely depressed my whole life, and spent 10 years going to doctors and psychiatrists. I have tried literally every anti-depressant out there. I've also been given lots of creative types of psycho drugs from amphetamines to schitzo drugs to try and make me not hate living. Nothing ever worked.

    Despite that I was always in the top 1% of everything I did. I graduated college with a double major in finance and business administration, and was near the top of my class in law school without doing a lick of studying, aside form perusing the book once over prior to the final. I always felt like I could see so much more beauty and potential in everything in this world, but the fact that I was so bound to needing money, and having to do work, which I universally hated, for sustainance with no real freedom has always hurt me every second of my existence.

    I finally gave up about a semester before I would have graduated law school. I was also working full time at a Fortune 100 company while in law school and had a guaranteed high paying job on graduation. But I was so obsessed with killing myself, which I had been since I was about 10, that I couldn't take it anymore. I stopped going to work and school, and started doing drugs. More specifically heroin.

    I found, in an ironically painful twist, that the heroin actually made me feel happy and normal. I started trying again, and went back to work and school, but unfortunately I was already in so much debt from undergrad, lawschool and city living combined that I was completely destroyed financially before I could complete it. I ended up becoming a daily IV heroin addict from age 23 to the present (turning 27 on August 3rd).

    Everything in my life is completely destroyed. I am well over $200k in debt. I can't have a bank account let alone an iota of credit. I went 3 months clean off of heroin about 2 months ago, and it was the most agonizing thing in my life. When you inject heroin every day for 4 years, your brain chemistry and neural pathways completely change. I can no longer feel pleasure without heroin, and won't be able to for years if ever. Yes, it takes a minimum of a year to start going back to normal. In the mean time, every second is like hell without it while you are sober.

    I went back to heroin, but I have no money, so I'm barely getting by. Sometimes I'm homeless and stay at homeless shelters in the ghetto in Chicago. Sometimes I live with my parents. I am in severe withdrawals, which is the most excruciating pain you can imagine (and drives many people to kill themselves alone from the pain), probably 1 out of 3 days, partially sick 1 out of 3, and actually able to get enough to be ok 1 out of 3.

    There is absolutely no way of ever living a happy or normal life for me ever again, aside from if I win the lottery or magically get a bunch of money. I am trying to work the courage up to just kill myself. I don't believe in heaven though, so the idea of eternal darkness kind of scares me. But the pain is really overriding the fear, and I've tried to OD on heroin twice in the past year (which is actually a lot harder to do for a daily addict than they make it seem on the news; I did 10X my normal dose both times and didn't die).

    I really do not see how anyone could say my life is worth living anymore. I've been on methadone and suboxone, and both leave me with the raging abyss in my soul that I normally feel. Only heroin for some reason can fill it, and I can't afford it anymore. If you are truly out of options, $200,000 in debt, in constant pain, and have a brain that can no longer experience pleasure or enjoyment from normal things in life, and can't afford the one drug that makes you a normal human being - who could say you should live? Why?
  2. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy


    It seems like you have been through too much in such a short time. Maybe life does seem at a dead end, but you can fix it, I know you can. You need to slowly get off the heroin, and maybe try looking for a job. I'm sure if you try and look for a job maybe you can stay with your parents? Slowly work your way off those debts. Meet some friends and just stay strong. I am always here if you need someone to talk to. I hope you stay strong. :)

  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Why because when you get into a treatment facility first getting yourself help for you addictiions then get help for you mental issues you can be very useful to people who suffer like you. You won't go anywhere unless you get your addiction undercontrol so get into detox now. You are very intelligent go back get you lawyers degree and start working to pay off your debts. You need to call hospital family anyone to get you help to start over again until you get it right. You have the ability to do this others have so get out there and get the help you need Your a lawyer think how you would help others in your shoes I hope you take the first step and that is getting clean. don't worry about anything else now but getting clean.
  4. Sol

    Sol Member

    I've been to detox twice. This last time was a 2 month inpatient program (I stayed clean 1 month after getting home, and it was the most miserable, horrifying peroid of my life). It can never work, because even after you get through the 2 week of excruciating pain, and then the 1 month where you can't sleep at all at night, you have what is called PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome), which lasts at least a year, and sometimes never goes away. Your brain is completely reconfigured from long term heroin use, leaving you in extreme cases basically permanently extremely depressed with terrible anxiety and unable to feel any good emotions, but with heightened sensitivity of everything bad. I've also been on and off methadone and suboxone maintenance time after time after time.

    There's really, honest to God, just not any treatment that could help, short of if they had some kind of heroin clinic. I've been to everything and everyone there is, multiple times over years. Honestly I will never be able to get off heroin, and since I can't afford it it just means I will be doing crime again and living in a limbo-hell of theft, homelessness, and being in horrifying pain from withdrawals from not having enough money to get heroin every day. That really is the only future there is for me in the short to medium term. Which brings me back to the original question.

    Thank you though for responding, I really appreciate that you are kind enough to care to think of something positive.
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