life after an attempt (trigger warning)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by aaron.g1, Aug 23, 2016.

  1. aaron.g1

    aaron.g1 Member

    Hi folks,
    I'm very nervous about posting. In May, I took an overdose of medicine to get high, I panicked and made an attempt. I was in hospital for a week on an IV drip to counter liver damage. I couldn't cope when I came home and have been drinking most nights, one of the hardest things to deal with is quite severe scarring on my arm. If you've ever been here, don't. Get help immediately.

    I previously had 11 years sobriety so I'm well aware of the vicious circle that connects alcoholism to anxiety and depression. AA became a bad place for me, people rejected me as they couldn't understand how someone who had been a 'poster boy' i.e. very involved could drink again.

    I'm well aware that the only sensible path for me is abstinence, but I am in such pain that the numbing effect is the only relief for a few hours. I don't sleep and can't get out of the house.

    In January I was studying second year law at the open university. I achieved distinction in first year, but found the loneliness of OU study unbearable, as I am socially isolated (doing the English law degree but living in Scotland)

    I was seeing a therapist who had helped me with depression, but she was the driving force in me studying law, I feel she took her eye of the ball and didn't listen to me as she felt if she just kept on pushing me, I would get through the degree, and the therapeutic relationship became toxic, she became at times quite unkind and unsympathetic ( she said I needed to 'take ownership' of the scarring as it was me that did it).

    I'm currently locked up in my parents house to stop me drinking too much, the confinement is not good but unfortunately essential as I would literally just drink in the street.

    At the moment, I can't see a way forward, trying and failing makes it very clear, there is NO easy and painless way, better no matter how hard to hang on.
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Welcome to the forum. I am sorry that you are struggling so much. Do you have people you can talk to. What about a counsellor.
  3. aaron.g1

    aaron.g1 Member

    Hi, thanks for your kind message, I don't have anyone to speak to at the moment, I just hoped to help anyone who was thinking of 'going ahead' with a suicide plan, to think, and realise, if you don't succeed, life afterwards is very, very difficult. If I can prevent anyone else from 'attempting suicide', at least I have done one good thing in my worthless life. Once again, thanks for replying Rockclimbinggirl.

    god bless,

  4. aaron.g1

    aaron.g1 Member

    ps, I think I'm done with talking therapy, fed up listening to myself. I just feel so lonely, I wish I could meet someone for a coffee. I (used) to be really good, fun company. I feel my light has gone out. Anyway, sorry for being such a WET blanket. I love 'curb your enthusiasm' and wish I could just sit in a coffee shop and laugh about, Larry, Jeff, Suzi and Cheryl..... anyway thanks for your reply, I hope you are doing well.
  5. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support SF Artist Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey Aaron, welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear of your relapse with alcohol, but please don't give up. Sobriety is still available one day at a time. Have your friends in AA been supportive of you and offering help in your recovery? I hope so cause that's what the fellowship is all about. Hang in there my friend and I know you can get back on track. It may be neccessary to put your education on hold for a bit until you're able to handle things. Take care and be safe.
    Ps Aaron, if you'd like to speak privately pm me.
  6. moxman

    moxman I have a lot of work to do.

    Hello aaron.g1, I am Mox,

    Thank you for joining us at SF and sharing part of your story. The more you share the more we can help you. That is how SF "works" we share what is going on with us. People will rally around you trying to give you ideas. You are with friends. I invite you to read my personal story in green below; and know you are not alone in how you feel. You are not alone in your pain and suffering. Everyone here has been through their own personal Hell. While you are here no one will ridicule you or make fun of you in any way. That BS is not tolerated here at SF. I came across SF because I was looking for ways to hurt myself. So I am going to ask you bluntly, are you feeling suicidal? If you are not; that is great. If you feel like you are in danger of hurting yourself, you will take yourself to the nearest ER and get the help you need. There is no shame in how you feel. There is no shame in getting help. At SF we will give you emotional support and lots *hug

    What happened to your arm to cause the scarring? Was your liver damage permanent or was it resolved with medication? Do you think you could see a new counselor and get some much needed therapy? Can you see a psychiatrist and get some kind of medication to help you with the emotional pain? So you could put the bottle down. All the bottle does is hurt you, but I have a feeling you already know that. You are just looking for a way to escape.

    You are absolutely right, there is no easy solution. I am glad you see that. You have a lot of hard work in front of you

    Let me ask you some difficult questions. What do you want to do with your life? Besides your parents do you have any friends you can lean on for support? Was the loneliness the sole reason that drove you back to drinking; or was something else going on in your life? If so, what?

    Take Care
  7. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi aaron and welcome to SF. I too am a survivor so have great empathy for where you are at and coming from. I am just down the road in the north east, but no, I am not a mackem ok before you ask. Thankfully, there doesn't appear to be any lasting damage, but there was not much left to damage.

    I am in therapy, group tomorrow, psych on Thurs, I am on meds, which are not doing much, but we keep changing them to find something that does work, and I am on that long road to some form of recovery. I think you need to get off the booze and find a new therapist. My psych is a good man and its early days, but I hope he can help me to take back control of my thoughts and emotions which just run wild most of the time.

    I am glad you rolled up here though and I would love to see you hang around to help others in their time of need. Its not about saving people, its about just being there and being supportive and reaching out so they dont feel so alone. Anytime you need to talk or vent feel free to look me up. I am just a jock with the brain removed;)
  8. aaron.g1

    aaron.g1 Member

    Thank you Brian,
    I did so much in AA to help myself and others. Prisons talking, hospitals, schools, sponsoring guys that couldn't get it. When I relapsed, unfortunately in Glasgow, I was shunned. I know its the only way, but I can't return. Thanks for mailing me.

    all best,

    Brian777 likes this.
  9. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support SF Artist Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I'm sorry to hear that Aaron, it's different here, you're welcomed back. Take care of yourself my friend.
  10. aaron.g1

    aaron.g1 Member

    Thank you for your kind words Sinister Kid. I will hang around long enough to try and stop anyone else going for EXIT. Thanks for your kind offer to keep in contact. I'd love to have a psych I believe in, but NHS psychiatric/psychological support in Scotland is... almost...non existent. I agree, if I could get, maintain sobriety, I'd be in with a chance, unfortunately, I'm dependent and at this stage, just trying to reduce. <y guess is, after the paracetemol overdose, my liver is fatally compromised. Anyway, is a mackem a sunderland supporter? I'm such an idiot, I take it you support the toon, if so, I hope you chaps go up this season, if I'm way off the mark, hope the black cats benefit under David Moyes....... I'm a yid (tottenham) fed up of the old firm poison in Glasgow.

    Thanks again for your kind message.
  11. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You got that right there fella, not a sund.....sorry, cant write it ;) but yeah, I am in the toon but support the real mags, go figure. Spurs are playing some good stuff these days, fun to watch.

    Now Rangers are back, its normal service is resumed. Same old, same old.
  12. aaron.g1

    aaron.g1 Member

    Thanks Brian,
    I was shocked by the fellowship when I relapsed. AA changed my life all for the best. I was in a (non drink related) car crash, ended up with PTSD, eventually picked up, and when I came back to the rooms, people here in Glasgow pulled back from me. It was unexpected and a shock, becaues I'd helped personally lots of chaps that struggled. I never took my sobriety for granted, just felt very lucky to be sober. On returning after relapsing, I wasn't met with much kindness, a huge shock.

    Anyway, thank you for mailing me.

    god bless,
    Brian777 likes this.