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Life after trauma

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Citizen Insane, Apr 11, 2015.

  1. Citizen Insane

    Citizen Insane Staff Member Safety & Support SF Author SF Supporter

    Hello everyone.

    It has been a while since I last posted on the forums, writing about life. I would like to talk, just sharing experiences with the people here if possible. :)
    I am mostly in the suicideforum chatroom almost every day though. :p I just enjoy that a lot.
    Also writing things for myself here because of an appointment with a mental health worker coming up.

    It has almost been 5 years now... The last traumatic experience happened somewhere in May 2010. I'm 24 years old now and will turn 25 on the 8th of May this year.
    In a few weeks I have an appointment for an EMDR research, to find out wether certain trauma treatment options will have effect on me or not.

    The trauma that was inflicted on my mind came to be because of a psychotic breakdown. The first time was in August 2007 - February 2008.

    And the second and last time (I hope) was in May 2010 till November 2010. I really got to see the limits of my mind... in the worst way possible.

    It's like the saying: "How far can a mind stretch before it snaps back?". To me it did not snap back all the way to it's original form & shape.
    There are scars present in my head... that one can not see from the outside. I was really in a high level of insanity, but at the same time fighting against it. When my brain was in a psychotic state it did not like it very much that I rejected all those delusional thoughts.
    I still knew what was real and what was not. For example, if I got an idea like: "There are people out there who can observe my thoughts and things I visualize in my head." I knew it wasn't the truth, but my mind just wanted to convince me that is was.
    The feedback the brain gives to me was just so terrible. I felt the highest level of anxiety I ever had in my lifetime. And it continued on for months, that's why I feel so different now.

    The most frustrating thing about this is that I lost so much of my touch with reality and feeling inside. It's hard to diagnose someone with depersonalization/derealization, so I won't go too much in detail about a possible diagnosis.
    Just not being able to feel or translate my emotions when I have them is the hardest part. The feeling I have is very hard to describe.
    Some say it's like they feel as if they were a robot, just living on auto-pilot. Or that they feel detached from their own body, mind and environment. As if they were just a floating pair of eyeballs, just observing the world, but not being part of it.

    I looked far and beyond to find myself and my feelings and only came back to the horror of my daily life. Anxiety, tension, fear...
    Though it's not all doom & horror. I manage to go outside every day, even if it's just for grocery shopping. I manage to not isolate myself inside my room and I can even stay outside of my house for 12 hours straight on a day.
    I'm glad I have a hobby, a card game (Yu-gi-oh) that I play twice a week with friends. Met some great people the past few years. People who understand the motions I go through.

    Back to the trauma, I have all the signs of a trauma... I'm just not re-experiencing them every day. Nor am I reminded of it. The feeling though that something horrible has happened to me... That is what I am reminded of.

    This feels okay though, writing it off a little. I needed this. Thanks guys.
  2. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    This sounds horrible. I really admire you for being able to force yourself to function under such conditions. I mean it. I hope you recognize how much credit you deserve.