long post inc. I will have a tl;dr at the end. What hurts me the most is the fact that my life from the outside seems awesome... Right now I am a white 23 year-old male living with my mother in a suburb of a large US city. I've never had to deal with the deaths of close friends or family members before their time (had to deal with deaths of grand parents and great great grand parents, but that is normal for someone in their mid 20s). I never really fell into hard drugs; I smoke weed sparingly since high school and drink a fair amount, but I've never abused pain killers or drugs such as extacy. My parents did divorce when I was at a young age which sucked. Although I realize this happens to a great deal of happy people, and I still got to spend a lot of time with my father and step mother growing up. Also my mother did well for herself, and I was able to grow up in a very safe upper middle class suburb. I had a very fortunate childhood compared to so many. I was never a cool kid, but I always had a solid group of friends who are all good people. I never got bullied in school, and I was able to coast through high school practically drama free. I didn't have too much extracurricular activity with girls, so I really never had to deal with a emotional break up or other things around those lines. Once high school ended, I ended up going to an expensive college in a big city and my parents planned well enough so they could fund it all with any worry of debt. Here I am... a compilation of all those factors and I still despise myself. I'm in the fifth year of my college. My family hated the face that I couldn't finish in 4 years, so told them I only had one more quarter left (which was a lie). I felt like a failure. I manipulated my aunt to give me an unsupervised job in the city so I could continue to go to school for the rest of the year and never have to tell anyone. I told my family that I would just wait for my diploma till the end of the year so I could walk with my friends. To make things worse I got an early graduation present from the same aunt that unfortunately allowed me to personally pay for my tuition, so I spent it instead of taking loans. A good plan, but the reason I hate myself so much is that I failed. Literally all I had to do is pass my classes, and I failed. It isn't the fact that my school work is too hard, its the fact that I just don't care for myself anymore. I literally don't care at all for myself, and what hurts so much is that so many people in my family have such a large emotional investment in me that letting them down isn't an option. I now have to let my family know that I've failed college, but I also have to pay back my mother and aunt for all they money they gave me. What may be hard to understand for you is why I have such a low opinion of myself in the first place. Beside the fact that I could be accomplishing so much more with my mind in my life than which I am now... I've come to the conclusion that one of the reasons I am held back is by my extreme sexual and emotional frustration with women. I had friends who were girls in high school, and there were a lot of girls that I was interested in as well. Unfortunately it never panned out for me. Prior to college I never had a date or even kissed a girl in my life. When i first come to college I had the mentality that some people get lucky in high school and some people don't. The fact that I've never been with a girl didn't bother me at all initially. The first weekend I even kissed a very sexy girl named Megan. Although I never saw her after that night, it gave me confidence coming into college. I am now in my fifth year of college. Since Megan, sophomore year I hooked up with the cousin of one of my best friends (I made out and touched her, but I am still a virgin). she was visiting from a foreign land. The two weeks I spent with her was the most emotionally exciting time I've ever spent in my life. She eventually left back for France, and I am fairly sure that I will never see her again in my life (which so far is true). After failing with women in high school, I told myself that I will find someone in college... It's inevitable. That was a lie. That is all I have. I'm 23, and I haven't been reclusive socially at all. It is just that all the women in my life either see me as a friend and don't want to move things to another level, or see me as a lame individual and just stop dealing with me. I even got so low that I thought about being with men because I deal with a great of gay people in the city, but I love women more than any words I can ever type can. Virginity frustrates me every day, and I feel like nothing I can do short of hiring an escort can help (which I am morally opposed to but strongly considering at this time). Here I am now. I'm failing my career, have no faith anyone, no faith in finding a woman who is interested in me for either a night or an extended time, and no faith in the future. I love everyone in my life so so so so (this really cannot be expressed in words) much. I have no hope for myself and all I want is for the people in my life to be happy. Which comes to the whole point of this essay... I feel that my own presence makes no one else any more happy. If I'm unhappy, and I also make the people I love unhappy, then why should I continue staying around? I find life beautiful and I really want to experience it, but I just cannot see better days. To me, if I didn't exist anymore, my mother and father wouldn't have to deal with my problems, my close friends wouldn't have to deal with my problems, and anyone else around me would just be better off... I type this while I should be doing a final for a class that I've paid thousands for. I don't want to kill myself/abandon my friends, but I no longer see any options. If anyone out there has been through something similar, then please help... tl;dr Had a great early life. Failed with women and failed college. I think everyone would be better off if I was no longer around.