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Life and Lies...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Blueskies2121, Mar 21, 2013.

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  1. Blueskies2121

    Blueskies2121 Member

    long post inc. I will have a tl;dr at the end.

    What hurts me the most is the fact that my life from the outside seems awesome...

    Right now I am a white 23 year-old male living with my mother in a suburb of a large US city. I've never had to deal with the deaths of close friends or family members before their time (had to deal with deaths of grand parents and great great grand parents, but that is normal for someone in their mid 20s). I never really fell into hard drugs; I smoke weed sparingly since high school and drink a fair amount, but I've never abused pain killers or drugs such as extacy. My parents did divorce when I was at a young age which sucked. Although I realize this happens to a great deal of happy people, and I still got to spend a lot of time with my father and step mother growing up. Also my mother did well for herself, and I was able to grow up in a very safe upper middle class suburb. I had a very fortunate childhood compared to so many. I was never a cool kid, but I always had a solid group of friends who are all good people. I never got bullied in school, and I was able to coast through high school practically drama free. I didn't have too much extracurricular activity with girls, so I really never had to deal with a emotional break up or other things around those lines. Once high school ended, I ended up going to an expensive college in a big city and my parents planned well enough so they could fund it all with any worry of debt. Here I am... a compilation of all those factors and I still despise myself.

    I'm in the fifth year of my college. My family hated the face that I couldn't finish in 4 years, so told them I only had one more quarter left (which was a lie). I felt like a failure. I manipulated my aunt to give me an unsupervised job in the city so I could continue to go to school for the rest of the year and never have to tell anyone. I told my family that I would just wait for my diploma till the end of the year so I could walk with my friends. To make things worse I got an early graduation present from the same aunt that unfortunately allowed me to personally pay for my tuition, so I spent it instead of taking loans. A good plan, but the reason I hate myself so much is that I failed. Literally all I had to do is pass my classes, and I failed. It isn't the fact that my school work is too hard, its the fact that I just don't care for myself anymore. I literally don't care at all for myself, and what hurts so much is that so many people in my family have such a large emotional investment in me that letting them down isn't an option. I now have to let my family know that I've failed college, but I also have to pay back my mother and aunt for all they money they gave me. What may be hard to understand for you is why I have such a low opinion of myself in the first place.

    Beside the fact that I could be accomplishing so much more with my mind in my life than which I am now... I've come to the conclusion that one of the reasons I am held back is by my extreme sexual and emotional frustration with women. I had friends who were girls in high school, and there were a lot of girls that I was interested in as well. Unfortunately it never panned out for me. Prior to college I never had a date or even kissed a girl in my life. When i first come to college I had the mentality that some people get lucky in high school and some people don't. The fact that I've never been with a girl didn't bother me at all initially. The first weekend I even kissed a very sexy girl named Megan. Although I never saw her after that night, it gave me confidence coming into college.

    I am now in my fifth year of college. Since Megan, sophomore year I hooked up with the cousin of one of my best friends (I made out and touched her, but I am still a virgin). she was visiting from a foreign land. The two weeks I spent with her was the most emotionally exciting time I've ever spent in my life. She eventually left back for France, and I am fairly sure that I will never see her again in my life (which so far is true). After failing with women in high school, I told myself that I will find someone in college... It's inevitable. That was a lie. That is all I have. I'm 23, and I haven't been reclusive socially at all. It is just that all the women in my life either see me as a friend and don't want to move things to another level, or see me as a lame individual and just stop dealing with me. I even got so low that I thought about being with men because I deal with a great of gay people in the city, but I love women more than any words I can ever type can. Virginity frustrates me every day, and I feel like nothing I can do short of hiring an escort can help (which I am morally opposed to but strongly considering at this time).

    Here I am now. I'm failing my career, have no faith anyone, no faith in finding a woman who is interested in me for either a night or an extended time, and no faith in the future. I love everyone in my life so so so so (this really cannot be expressed in words) much. I have no hope for myself and all I want is for the people in my life to be happy. Which comes to the whole point of this essay... I feel that my own presence makes no one else any more happy. If I'm unhappy, and I also make the people I love unhappy, then why should I continue staying around? I find life beautiful and I really want to experience it, but I just cannot see better days. To me, if I didn't exist anymore, my mother and father wouldn't have to deal with my problems, my close friends wouldn't have to deal with my problems, and anyone else around me would just be better off...

    I type this while I should be doing a final for a class that I've paid thousands for. I don't want to kill myself/abandon my friends, but I no longer see any options. If anyone out there has been through something similar, then please help...

    Had a great early life. Failed with women and failed college. I think everyone would be better off if I was no longer around.
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You seem like a smart and intuitive individual but I am sorry to say everything you say about friends family being better off without you around is so far off the mark nobody could possibly follow that thought based on your writing. They love and support you and take great effort to make your life better - people do not only do that for you - they do that because it satisfies their need to help somebody that needs help. Suicide is the only sure way I can see of ruining their lives- and transferring your guilt at a minor deception onto them for "causing too much stress" which is the way they will take it. So far as your small deception - that is up to you to deal with - whether it is to let it play out and never come up or get to work graduate and if in the process admit some difficulties-- that is an adult decision and you are an adult now.

    So far as women and escorts and such -- I am sorry to be blunt but if you go get laid tonight tomorrow morning nothing in the world has changed in the least. Your troubles with women will not be less or more - you will not look different or have better concentration or ability to get better grades. The only change is you can spend a few weeks wondering if you managed to contract an STD, accidentally got somebody pregnant, and maybe feel guilty for either purchase of sex or simply using some woman for sex with no feelings involved. None of those possibilities does anything to make your life better - you are considering intentionally making life worse by engaging in a meaningless act to assuage a slightly bruised ego that has no reason to be bruised. On the other end of "so low I considered men - that is simply another choice - not lower or higher, simply a choice and without any meaning at all equally unlikely to change any part of your life.

    You need to decide if school is right for you and either sit down and do it as you are capable or choose to do something else and as an adult let the people that have helped you this far know what choice and why - then simply do it. Women will sort themselves in time and it is unlikely to be easier when you are feeling like a failure and disliking yourself. If you do not like yourself at all because of other things in your life it is hard to epect a girl to either. Fight the battles you have control over like school and what to tell or not tell relatives and make progress there then worry about women.
  3. katrina77

    katrina77 Guest

    I absolutely do not feel as though people would be better off without you. You sound like you have a loving group of people in your life, and I have no doubt but they would be devastated if you were gone.

    I don't know if this will help, but your situation is becoming very common from what I've seen. I have a son about your age, and he and his friends have experienced the same problems you have faced. College is taking longer, if they are graduating at all. And almost all of them are still virgins (male and female), and they are having trouble finding relationships. One of my son's friends just got dumped by his fiance of over a year. I think a lot of the trouble is that people are coming to rely more and more on virtual relationships (I know, ironic since here I am).

    Again, you're not alone in this. As far as using a "professional" goes, I think you would be disappointed. And it wouldn't really change anything, and might actually interfere with a really great relationship you would have later on.
  4. Blueskies2121

    Blueskies2121 Member

    I don't know if this forum has a system for this but... (will have a tl;dr at the end)

    @NYJmpMaster: I don't like to sound arrogant, but I've always considered myself a rather intelligent individual. I appreciated what you had to say (I still hold the belief that anyone can still accomplish any physically possible goal in life no mater what as long as they have the passion... Although that may be foolish). The problem is that I know for a fact that my family and friends would be devastated if I died or disappeared... I know they love me. That is the only reason I haven't... Done anything drastic yet. I've never broken down in front of them. Everyone I know except probably one friend (and she many not even realize it) probably doesn't even know I'm in a sad state. I honestly think that it would be better to subject them to something short term then have them waste their lives dealing with me in the future. The real problem is I put so much value into others suffering that I do not really value my own.

    The fact is I love love love women... As I expressed in my initial statement. I respect your perception of sex, and it is not something is should burn myself over. Of course as a young man I want to get laid and want to enjoy the pleasures of sex, but that is not a driving force in my life. I just honestly love being women. The fact that that since early high school (in which I came to care about such things) I have never found another who cares about my happiness as much as I do theirs. It burns me. Sex itself does not drive me... Its fact that I've never been able to take true comfort in another's presence does.

    And that is my real problem. I'm in school for animation, game design and computer science. All of those things I love and I really want a future in. It is just that emotionally I fell so low that I have too much trouble doing anything... Whether that be towards a social life, family relationships, or career; It all makes me sad... Whats the point?

    @kartina77: I respect your insight. I expressed in my response to an earlier statement that I have no delusion that the people in my life don't care about me. What burns me is that I don't want to hurt them by expressing these feelings to them. The guys and girls in my life come in all ranges of people to the super reclusive nerds to the the guys/girls who hook up/get into relationship with people all the time. I want to be the aforementioned, and vicariously feel the need to try to experience it through them. Unfortunately that only depresses me more. I wish I was alone in this, but I realize that (by my standards of a happy life) people are still living in far worse lifestyles than myself... and I hate myself for it.

    tl;dr: I'm be smart. I know the people in my life love me, but I think would be better off without me. I love women, but they have shit on me all my life. I've failed in all aspects of my life I value. Everyone that I know is better than me and it sucks.

    (apologies for grammar ans spelling... I'm trying to do a final at the same time as typing this).
  5. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    I read your post and it was interesting. Normally I do not write detailed response. But now I am in a mood to write. You seem to be placing too much importance on sex. I am an old man, around 64. I have gone through life. When I was around 24, I also had problem finding girl friends. Because I could not find good gir friend, I married via arranged route. I am happy.
    From my expereience it is very difficult finding girl friends. But I never thought of suicide due to that. I think people should release their energies using mastrubation , this way their frustrations will be release. But one should not masturbate more than twice a week.
    Thinking of suicide just because one can not find a girl friend or because one is failing in school is being irrational. Be strong and be a man !!! Be strong and think like strong man !!! Never think of suicide. Tell your relatives who have helped you frankly and honestly that you lied to them. They will respect you for telling the truth and for admitting your failures. Tell you mom that you have been thinking of suicide. She will try to cheer you up. Also did you know that there are 'sadhus' (saints) in India who never marry, who have no home, and still they are very happy. Why? beause they have a purpose in life. They want to serve God. What is your purpose in life?
    Also, do not visit hookers. You may get STD.
    Spend your energies on bettering yourself. Think positive thoughts.
  6. Blueskies2121

    Blueskies2121 Member

    @prakash I appreciate your wisdom and your experience on life. I cannot lie to myself and say sex and women are not a strong force that drives my mental disposition, but, as bad as the situation is, it is not the driving cause for my unhappiness (as defined to me by others). The real things in my life that my bother me are:

    I try so hard and just end up failing my family (all of whom I care for greatly).
    I've never met another individual outside of a family member who honestly feels strongly for me.
    The friends I do have hurt because of me. Even though I know they will suffer if I leave from their lives... I feel that its not as bad as if I just stayed and crashed.

    Obviously a paraphrasing of my life, but a decent translation... I have tried to think positive for a very long time, but I've lost faith and hope (I am not a religious man).
  7. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    You say that the real reason for your unhappiness is that you try so hard and end up failing your family (all of whom you care for greatly.)
    You are lucky to have family that loves you and whom you love. But if you try so hard and end up failing your family, what is so bad about it?
    I think that you are thinking that just because you are not succeeding the way your family expects you to, that this is a very terrible thing and that it would be better for you to die. In my mind, if you fail, what is so big deal about it? I have failed at many things. Only peoiple who try fail. If one does not try and just sits there with folded hands he or she will never fail.
    Your family will still love you even if you failed or fail. Your true friend will still like you even if you fail. If a friend leaves you just because you failed, he or she is not a true friend. I think you are exaggerating the issue of failing and are magnifying the importance of sucess or failure. I would advise you to open up to your mom and tell her all your thoughts. I am sure she will understand and will love you more for being honest with her. In fact honesty is best for good relations.

    Another point is that you have not met anyone outside of your family who cares deeply for you. So why is that such a big thing? The very fact that I am writing you all this advice means that I care for you even though we have never met and probably never will. You are lucky to have family. There are people in this world and indeed in USA who have no family to support them and no friends either. But they move on and do their job and eventually they make friends and have family also. The main thing for you is not to place too much importance on worldy successes. Become mentally strong and say, "To hell with worldy success. I will do my best, I will do what is right. I will not get depressed just because I fail. I will try to be happy. I will think happy thoughts."

    I have a relative who has been depressed and who also thinks irratiuonal thoughts. This is why I sympathise with all people, especially young people, who are suffering from depression or mental issues.

    I was also depressed once or twice in my life and I know how debilitating depression can be.
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