Life, and Love, and Why?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by FallenAngel84, Aug 30, 2014.

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  1. FallenAngel84

    FallenAngel84 New Member

    It's so hard to even begin telling my story, and sometimes I wonder if it's even relevant compared to other's suffering and pain, especially where all my life I've been told to just "get over it" or "stop complaining..." I'll try to keep it as short as possible for you guys' sake...

    When I was twelve, my mum was diagnosed with Stage IV Aggressive Breast Cancer, which was basically a death sentence for those of you familiar with cancer. She was only expected to survive for three months, but somehow, defying God and who-knows-what-else, she fought it and fought it WELL for 2 1/2 years. Unbeknownst to me, her death would impact me the most of all of my family. As soon as she passed away, my mentally unstable and abusive father, along with my abusive and cruel step mother, decided that it was "their turn to raise me."

    A week later, I changed cities, schools, friends, and houses, and was literally forbidden to have any contact with my family or friends in my hometown.

    For four years, I suffered severe daily mental and emotional abuse from both my dad and step mom, and sat in my room at their house if I didn't have school to attend. Isolated and alone, and unable to grieve or vent to anyone, all my anger was directed inward in a sense of gross self-loathing, and I succumbed to self-harm, cutting daily for a year and a half.

    At this point, I still self harm, and have been unable to hold a job or function correctly since I turned 18, and now am 19, isolated because my family was turned against me, with literally no one and nothing for comfort or consolation besides useless money I make at a seemingly useless job where I'm just another number... I talk to no one, and when I try, no one listens, so I've stopped trying...

    I want to die... And in a week, I will have a method to do so, and though I make cries for help, every one I called my friend or family just lets me fall further... I am no longer afraid of death or what could come after, and I just want the suffering to end with one last unending sleep, and an exit from this mortal realm...

    I WANT to love, I WANT to live, and I WANT someone to care enough that I held close to just say "Stop. Everything will be okay, and I'll not let you fall." But no one has come to my aid or helped me fight my despair...

    What's the point anymore?...
  2. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome to SF.

    If I take what you suggest you want, and add a spin to it - you want to live, love, and find someone to care enough. How are you going to live if you take the chance away from yourself?

    At 19, there's potential for another 50+ years if not more, in which you can give the so-called "friends" or "family" who seem non-responsive to the issues you have, the proverbial middle finger (not actually doing so physically, but living for the moment and embracing the fact that sometimes those who live best, are the ones who have come through the most adversity.

    I remember being that age, and not being able to hold down a job consistently. Over the last 10 years since I was 19, (you guessed it, i'm 29 now), and my longest registered employment is over 4 years. Things have a way of changing for the good as well as the bad, but if you're not here to see it happen, how will you know for certain that it never could have?

    If you want to PM me - my inbox is open.

    I can't promise that I'll always get it right, but I'd be willing to at least try and give you back a better platform on which you can build yourself upwards.

    I found a quote a few hours back that might seem a bit silly to many, particular in the throes of what you've gone through, but it could give you an option to reassess how you go about living.

    "Obstacles are those things you see when you take your eyes off the goal" - Right now you're only seeing the obstacles and focusing on the problems lending to the questioning of "why live". Why not flip the coin and set your eyes onto the goal of wanting to live? Or at least, consider seeking external help as you are more than likely of an age where you can do that without any permission or controlling behaviours/antics from others around you - who do not have the right to dictate how you live now you're an adult (by UK law definition - 18+)
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. So sorry to hear that your are suffering. You are not alone in suffering life but need support at this moment. You are young and have the rest of your life to live, so please keep posting here. You are not alone in suffering and trust me your are among friends. Please keep posting for further support and care.

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