Life and reality

[expressive_child]

I have been wondering a lot about the many uncertainties in my life. I tried to figure out something, just one thing, that I can hold on to. But after hours and hours, I realize there is nothing. I realize no matter which road I walk in life, the shadows of the past will come back to haunt me no matter how I try to avoid it. Its like, darkness has cling to me and its like a black cloud that will always be atop of me and only with heaven's mercy I shall be released from this wrath. Its been 23 years since my miserable existence begun, and its surprising each time, to see myself alive day after day, night after night. I can no longer lie to myself that I have a true purpose in life, even if I do, I don't think I will find out and if I don't, I will continue to suffer, and more than two decades of my life has been wasted on feelings of pain, regrets, sorrows and despair. I feel like to go on living, is like fruitlessly searching for a beauty that has died and should I decide to live, is like going through the pain of the longing for this beauty that no longer exist.

I am probably a schizoid though I have never been diagnosed, and in a way I need no one to diagnose me cos I have been delusional since birth. And there is not a day I live without my delusions and I have to admit I would have died if its not for my ability to live an 'alternate reality' of which I am someone else in a happy place in another life. But reality is overshadowing my only peace of mind now, and I know sooner or later, I won't be able to hallucinate anymore. I hope I will soon lose my mind and thus never having to face this reality anymore, but then, it turn out unexpectedly I'm slowly becoming more and more conscious of reality instead of going deeper into this lie I am living in. In a way, I just share my (probably so) darkest secret which I never did share with anyone but my old therapist and I regret doing so, cos if I knew he couldn't help me, I wouldn't have told him so. So now, everyone knows I am crazy, I am truly crazy cos I don't live life the same, I am living in another world of mine which I created to romanticize the bitterness of real life, and I know for sure this is pathetic.

Even if I can erase my past forever, nothing will change the fact that I will always be facing the world as the weakling I am. I am a true hypocrite, I keep telling everyone I know that there is hope, that they mustn't give up, that they should choose life and all these things when in reality, I'm feeling totally despaired and disheartened of life. I don't think I am even qualified to tell someone to feel better cos I know I hardly feel good and maybe so I don't understand what its like to really feel good. I am like a 90 year old man waiting for the end going through the motions day by day not knowing when the time will come. The only difference is, I am waiting for the one moment where I feel like this is it and there won't be no hesitation anymore. I can't remain this way forever, living in a world I don't fit in without a way out of this normalcy but death. I guess I don't have a choice, life didn't give me one anyway. The moment I was born into this family, my fate has been sealed, and even if I don't believe in fate, I have to believe in coincidences or accidents, and in this case, its must be a terrible mistake I exist in this family.

There is not day, I didn't feel this craving for love cos I never knew what it is, and I guess I never will anymore, seeing how cold and fake this world has become. But I can't blame it all on the world, its must be me. I guess I can't blame the world because I don't fit in. Its my fault, and I have to learn to accept it, and if I can't, I have no one else but me to blame. Maybe its wrong that I even exist.

 

[letdown]

So now, everyone knows I am crazy, I am truly crazy cos I don't live life the same, I am living in another world of mine which I created to romanticize the bitterness of real life, and I know for sure this is pathetic.

I think you'd find most people do this anyway. It's a way of survival, to deny, dissociate or sugar-coat unpleasant things, whether it be others' suffering, their own, the systems in which we live... Maybe because you're aware of what you're doing, you feel delusional and crazy. I don't think you are.

I do hear what you're saying about your family and the feeling of nothing ever changing. People can't help what family they are born in, what country they are born in, what social situation they are in and I won't ever be as arrogant to say that the possibility of change is easy when at the moment you feel everything is stagnant and never changing because of what has happened in the past and still haunts you.

The possibility of feeling less trapped, less stuck is there. I have found counselling very helpful- just to make you feel that you're not all alone, to give you something to cling on to and for someone, who can impartially bounce back the things you're feeling for you to think about further so you can see new possible avenues open up. They may not be open at the moment but that doesn't mean they won't be- your personal reality will be validated rather than ignored and dismissed by people you feel are part of the world who "fit in," or who are accepted. Although you felt hurt, letdown, betrayed, perhaps violated? by your old therapist there are people who understand and who won't hurt you.
Take care. :hug: