life, and woes of sheep

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by wheresmysheep, Feb 16, 2009.

  1. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    brand me attention seeking, lying, emo. it's all been said before.

    tonight, i was lying in bed with stephen trying to get to sleep. and i realised, its febuary; my dads bday is this month. and so i thought "crao, i have to get him something really nice."

    then it just went from SSDD to utterly crap.

    the night just replayed in my head, on loop. (why cant it just have the loop button like on WMP and i could deselct it)

    and so i was shaking and crying (silently) trying to fight it all back, and stephen, the poor soul, just held me, trying to make jokes to bring me out of it, sadly none suceeded this time.

    so as i was laying there with this going through my head, and among all the other stuff was the thought of, such as lashing out at my family, and then myself ending up in the garage, it was actually all quite vivid, which was kinda strange, but i over looked my brother, and when i though of him, i just said "no, he's not lived, he has no part in this" and his dad appeared in my vision.
    i would love it if he could take richard from my mother. i can already see some of myself in him, and i know he will need help when he's older, he wont be able to hold things as i have, and its already showing. he doesnt bite his lip when mothers drunk, he doesnt do everything the way she likes. i wish he would take richard away.

    then my thoughts spiralled out from there.

    if i could only reach out to someone in my life, such as a mother, or a father, and i thought of my step dad (my brothers father)
    yeah i recon he would listen and most likely understand. but i know he'd be angry with things, and want to say something, and i wouldnt blame him for it at all. but i dont want that.
    i just want someoen who knows my life, and her, and what i've dealt with on a daily basis, and then listen to the stuff they dont know, and then understand that i'm not being selfish, taht i'm not lying, taht i'm not doing it for attention.
    if anything i want to be left in peace to just waste darkness alone. there i would be content.

    but what knock on effects would i have from reaching out in that selfish act?? i already know he is (or was) suicidal as i stopped him hanging himself in our garage. so how do i know if he wouldnt blame himself.

    and all this time, i secretly thought that him and mum knew about the guy in grece, but never said anything. and i dont want to know if that suspicion is correct. i really dont.

    sorry for long windedness.
  2. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    I can't really offer any words for that hun, but I can give ya a hug or two :hug:
  3. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    thank you

    i dont think anyone can really reply with anything more than that, so thank you for at least replying :hug:
  4. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    Hey - I'm sorry :(

    Have some more hugs and know I am thinking of you :arms: Am about if you ever want to chat.

  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    + :hug: from me.
  6. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    I don't think it would be selfish of you to reach out to him. Here for you :hug:
  7. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    am thinking of you and heres :hug: for you x
  8. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    ....hey....i have lots of hugs for you're the greatest. . . :hug::arms::cheekkiss::hug:
  9. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Love you and am here for you anytime :hug:
  10. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    Thank you all for being here, and as you all know i dont really talk, and i just want to say that its only cause i dont want to be going around in circles with you's. its tiersome talking about it as i feel its a "pity me" party, and then tbh, all of you, who has answers to my prediciment? so i'll just end up with you's feeling bad cause you want to help but unfortunately cant, and that is no ones fault.

    but i still thank yous all for the offers..

    and ripper, yeah i know this is a time for me to be selfish and reach out, but i dont know him taht well, as crazy as it sounds.
    When he and my mum got together, there was an agreement between him, my mum, and my dad, and that was for him to stay out of my life as such in regards of up bringing and decipline etc, so all the imput he had in my life was infancial.

    so idk. i might, he'll be visiting in easter so i could speak to him then, but idk i'll see how things are.

    just really really shite atm.