brand me attention seeking, lying, emo. it's all been said before. tonight, i was lying in bed with stephen trying to get to sleep. and i realised, its febuary; my dads bday is this month. and so i thought "crao, i have to get him something really nice." then it just went from SSDD to utterly crap. the night just replayed in my head, on loop. (why cant it just have the loop button like on WMP and i could deselct it) and so i was shaking and crying (silently) trying to fight it all back, and stephen, the poor soul, just held me, trying to make jokes to bring me out of it, sadly none suceeded this time. so as i was laying there with this going through my head, and among all the other stuff was the thought of, such as lashing out at my family, and then myself ending up in the garage, it was actually all quite vivid, which was kinda strange, but i over looked my brother, and when i though of him, i just said "no, he's not lived, he has no part in this" and his dad appeared in my vision. i would love it if he could take richard from my mother. i can already see some of myself in him, and i know he will need help when he's older, he wont be able to hold things as i have, and its already showing. he doesnt bite his lip when mothers drunk, he doesnt do everything the way she likes. i wish he would take richard away. then my thoughts spiralled out from there. if i could only reach out to someone in my life, such as a mother, or a father, and i thought of my step dad (my brothers father) yeah i recon he would listen and most likely understand. but i know he'd be angry with things, and want to say something, and i wouldnt blame him for it at all. but i dont want that. i just want someoen who knows my life, and her, and what i've dealt with on a daily basis, and then listen to the stuff they dont know, and then understand that i'm not being selfish, taht i'm not lying, taht i'm not doing it for attention. if anything i want to be left in peace to just waste away.in darkness alone. there i would be content. but what knock on effects would i have from reaching out in that selfish act?? i already know he is (or was) suicidal as i stopped him hanging himself in our garage. so how do i know if he wouldnt blame himself. and all this time, i secretly thought that him and mum knew about the guy in grece, but never said anything. and i dont want to know if that suspicion is correct. i really dont. sorry for long windedness.