Life and ...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by wallflower, Apr 26, 2008.

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  1. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member


    I am feeling like this might get better. I am thinking of applying to get an online degree.

    Maybe things will.
    Happiness- I need to feel happy. Is death sorrow? Is death...sometimes I flirt with death, to see if I can find myself anywhere on the other side.
    Is there an other side?

    But just sitting here- I know that all my attempt would bring is grief and self-destruction, a reemergence of sorrow. But when I feel this sweet solitude, almost like peace of mind. My friends are all gone. They really honestly don't care--enough.

    The only one keeping me here is my dad and brother and mom too- but she makes my life hard, and I want her to move away. I've never had more than two friends- and one of them would have been real.
    I met a few people online and they chatted- and I feel like- this is just going nowhere. I need to start over- I want to erase the memories- all my faults- I want to be pure. I want the world to be pure. Maybe if the world just did itself in, maybe if we all could just start over and it's not like I am feeling depressed or sad or like spontaneous blood images. Im just contemplating the philosophy of it- of society- of all the nasty people in the world.

    And thinking,
    Maybe I really don't belong here. Someone told me to kill myself today.
    Well they said it and even if they didn't mean it. Maybe they are right. Maybe I just wasted my whole life, maybe I should never have been born. Im crazy. Im schizophrenic, paranoid, sociopath. And I am tired. Of myself.
    And no one likes me and people are sick of me. Better off.

    And it takes a lot for me just to feel. And when i do feel it becomes insanity or mania. My love is sorrow, my only love is the delusion.





     
  2. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    if you wasted your whole life, you have the rest of it to invest in yourself. It doesnt matter how many dissorders you can have, what matters is that you want to feel better, its a step. Mothers makeslife hard sometimes but you know she loves you anyway, and so your brother and father, and im sure they wont think the same way as you do, they will surely dont want to lose you because of that! love move mountains, but not only romantic love, family love is strong because it leads us to get better (sometimes, because some parents suck)
    Your feelings may be are there, but all so togheter that you cant feel the for separated.

    =)
     
  3. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    What that person said could reflect what they think about themselves, or maybe they didn't have the consideration or maturity to say what they really meant. Maybe they were having a bad day and you said something which got them agitated. Whatever the reason, it is absolutely horrible, however it does not have to do with anything about you.

    Through one lens the world is evil, but through another one it is wonderful. In either case, it's not fair. But please give yourself another chance to look at life in another way. I am struggling too, but I am trying, and you will as well.
     
  4. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    It was partly my fault. I was instigating it. They had been flaming me non-stop for awhile and finally I just freaked out at them.
     
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