I am feeling like this might get better. I am thinking of applying to get an online degree. Maybe things will. Happiness- I need to feel happy. Is death sorrow? Is death...sometimes I flirt with death, to see if I can find myself anywhere on the other side. Is there an other side? But just sitting here- I know that all my attempt would bring is grief and self-destruction, a reemergence of sorrow. But when I feel this sweet solitude, almost like peace of mind. My friends are all gone. They really honestly don't care--enough. The only one keeping me here is my dad and brother and mom too- but she makes my life hard, and I want her to move away. I've never had more than two friends- and one of them would have been real. I met a few people online and they chatted- and I feel like- this is just going nowhere. I need to start over- I want to erase the memories- all my faults- I want to be pure. I want the world to be pure. Maybe if the world just did itself in, maybe if we all could just start over and it's not like I am feeling depressed or sad or like spontaneous blood images. Im just contemplating the philosophy of it- of society- of all the nasty people in the world. And thinking, Maybe I really don't belong here. Someone told me to kill myself today. Well they said it and even if they didn't mean it. Maybe they are right. Maybe I just wasted my whole life, maybe I should never have been born. Im crazy. Im schizophrenic, paranoid, sociopath. And I am tired. Of myself. And no one likes me and people are sick of me. Better off. And it takes a lot for me just to feel. And when i do feel it becomes insanity or mania. My love is sorrow, my only love is the delusion.