Life appears to be on a loop

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LyeInMyEye, Feb 5, 2013.

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  1. LyeInMyEye

    LyeInMyEye New Member

    I have recently decided I should kill myself. Back in October of last year I went ahead and planned it out, it was very premeditated. I decided I'd do it on New Years. I felt that in October it would be quite immature for me to just kill myself so I figured if I'd put my "two weeks notice" in and finish out the year it would be.......respectful I guess. It's funny really, I treat this existence like a job. It's because it is. It's work, and HARD work at that. Anyways, back to what I was saying. I ended up attempting suicide on New Years, as I planned. Well needless to say it didn't work. I was "saved," taken to a hospital, and eventually spent a week in a mental hospital. They force fed me pills , gave me a prescription, set me up with a therapist, and sent me home. At this point nothing works. I'm still as depressed and suicidal as I was before. I would argue that the feelings are actually worse than before. I feel that I live a futile life with absolutely no meaning. This reality is quite pointless to me. I've spent my whole life filled with negative feelings. As a child I was always extremely nervous, as a teenager I was horribly angry, and as an adult I am pathetically sad all the time. This leads me to believe that my entire reason for being is to prove to others that it can always be worse. I feel like that people look at me on their bad days and say "at least I'm not him" in order to feel better. I think suicide would be the ultimate fulfillment of my life's obligation. I suppose I'll end this now, I shouldn't be a coward and delay the inevitable. Thanks for reading.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Then hun add purpose to your life ok volunteer talk to the elderly nrsg home volunteer you time at a humane society looking after animals get purpose to you life hun I am glad to see you are reaching out here hun Keep talking to us ok hugs
  3. belladonna88

    belladonna88 Member

    I know how you're feeling. Have you returned to the site?
  4. Butterfly

    Butterfly Resident SF Sims Enthusiast Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Often when treatment starts it can make you feel worse before things start to get better, especially where therapy is involved as it makes us address issues that we haven't yet dealt with and we have to confront it head on. Getting well again does require you to put in a lot of effort, engage with the treatment programme and begin to start finding a purpose in your life. It is all too easy to let the depression take over, and let you believe that you have no purpose other than to simply exist. But you can find purpose, and you can do more than simply "exist".
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