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life as a constant struggle against everything

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by waking life, Jan 2, 2009.

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  1. waking life

    waking life New Member

    A new year has begun with new resolutions, I plan to change myself forever, I no longer want to live my life as a constant struggle against everything. Up to now it seems like I’ve made all the wrong decisions whether their going to lead me to become the person I will become is yet to be seen or whether the decisions I have made have forever destroyed me. Well let me catch you up on where I’m at, when I’m not wishing to disappear I’m hating the world and everything about it, I don’t necessarily want to die but living is feeling like a string of constant punishments. I don’t know what to do I have been pushing everyone away and come to the conclusion that I should just stick to the one thing that has a real effect on happiness, money. Money over everything else fuck friends they just waste your money and use your soul. Friends are just people you think are your friends when you look through everything you see that it is all a control game the fact that I am beginning to see the world differently is separating me from everyone else and making me more alone that I have ever been. I hate whatever being that designed this for us. Sometimes I just want a comit to hit the earth and destroy everything. I attempted my first suicide attempt a few weeks back I swallowed something like 60 random pills from a cabnet going to sleep with the wish of never waking, unfortunately all I got was a day of throwing up. Offcourse there are things I want to see
    I don’t think I want to die I just wish things weren’t so fucking hard so complicated every time I even think im happy or problemless something comes up so this year I am doing everything I can to minimise the pain. If I ever got my hands on god id break his fucking neck for using us as geniue pigs for whatever this thing is. I think about death a lot I’m beginning to think that this suicide might be my destination I even began to research methods but each seem to painful to go through with I figured maybe I can just smoke till I get cancer but I guess that’s not quick enough I heard that helium can be used to inhale but theres always a part of me that would never let me do it. Anyway I never thought it would come to me having to write this just to get rid of the pain that consumes my body sometimes its almost unbareable feeling like a heart attrack with my mind constantly torturing and tounting me. Oh I hate life I look forward to sleep so much but it never lasts as long it’s the only time I feel free. I;m sure that death wont be this it will be nothing it will be what it was before I remembered anything. I guess sometimes I wish that this world this universe wasn’t so mathematically fixed to all the rules that guide everything even our human minds can only ever react a certain way to any given thing based on whatever things it has experienced coupled with cultures influence and programic instalments. Everything is just fucked up I pray to whoever created everything if you hear me please just kill me strike me with lighting some freak accident that is painless quick and isn’t a suicide but a death wish fulfilled take me away you have failed me. Let me disappear. Be free of your cage of pain and suffering. Everyone lately has been talking about me in the 3rd person this has happened a lot and now im onto how it works, often it sucks cos I cant remember what happened because of the drugs so I dono what I did but two occasions its been very bad I just want to die.
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You write extremely well and seem to have a grasp on what ails you. You are not alone, by joining the forum you have joined our little family. You will make friends here rapidly, i'm sure of that much. We ask ourselves the same questions. We also have our own beleifs and most of the time are given enough respect that no one gets in your face and trys to force there beleifs on you. You said you are on meds? So obviously you see a doctor, but have you thought about therapy? It works for me!! Some of us are all for it and some have had bad experiences with it and want nothing to do with it. Now group therapy sucks, I don't reccomend it to anyone. I have joined two different ones and had bad experiences with both of them. Just a thought. Take care!~Joseph~
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello waking_life.

    Welcome to SF.

    I hope you find the help and support you need here :hug:

    It sounds as if you had bad experiences regarding friends in the past. Not all people are like them. There are many good souls out there :)

    The unbearable feeling 'like a heart attack' you are describing sounds similar to a panic/anxiety attack. Have you seen your doctor for this?

    I'm glad that your attempt failed. Please get the professional help you need :hug: I'm always here if you need to talk.

    Thinking of you, Lynn :heart:
  4. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forums.
    I'm sorry to hear you are not having such a great time so far. As far as the friends situation goes, i apply the same boyfriend saying; 'you've got to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince' and explain it slightly differently. so far, in my 18 years of life, i've had many different friends, some of them 'good friends' and some not so good but still friends. Now, this holiday i figured out that i really have only one good friend left, and that she is the only person who has stuck by me through thick and thin, and been there when i need her no matteer what. It's taken me 18 years to find someone like that. And i'm not sure how long she'll be in my life. Friends come and go but eventually you will find someone who will be your best friend and won't stab you in the back.
    Maybe you should see a psychiatrist about the way you are feeling, it's good to talk and they may be able to help you explore ways to make yourself feel better.
    We are all here for you. :hug:
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