Life as it is

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by edicus, Apr 6, 2013.

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  1. edicus

    edicus Member

    I'm new here and this is a massive step for me
    I hope it's okay for me to just spill my guts without becoming a regular member first

    My name is Dani and I'm almost 22 years old. I work I'm the 3rd sector and am an only child. My parents recently parted ways because my mother ran off to Turkey with a Turk. I haven't spoken to her in 5 months because she refuses to talk to me.
    My father is a complete wreck. I've had to move back home to cook for him and look after him. By doing this I lost my boyfriend as he couldn't cope and I feel like my heart has been ripped to pieces and everything I once knew is gone.

    As a teen I was a self harmer because of pure self hatred but I managed to stop when I went to uni. I've relapsed in the last 4 weeks and its gotten so bad that I needed medical treatment last week as I went too far.

    All I can think about is dying. I plan it constantly I wrote many notes and planned my funeral. I am desperate for this pain to end, I just want peace.

    I'm not sure why I'm here but here I am and that is my story.

    Thank you for reading.
  2. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Hi Dani, I work in the third sector too, I am really sorry that you feel like this and of course it is okay to spill your guts believe me, and it is a massive step to do so. I know how much you must want to die, and I hope reaching out can give you that hope and support, there are people who can help, I know it is a massive thing but honestly you can get peace and live at the same time, I know this is true okay, I know you don't know why you are here, but I hope it is the first step in finding peace and happiness, things you do deserve and can have.
  3. edicus

    edicus Member

    Hi perfect melancholy. I wasn't sure if it was okay or not to tell part of my story or not so Thanks for replying to my thread. I wish that I could believe what you say but I just can't. I feel so utterly hopeless and defeated.
  4. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    The thing is you are trying to hold it together, and you are depressed that leads to thoughts of hopelessness and well despair, but it can be fixed believe me, it does take time, you have to go easy on yourself. I guess to sound clichéd Rome was not built in a day, and we cannot fix what is wrong inside without the right guidance, advice and support it is just taking that step to seek it.
  5. edicus

    edicus Member

    I have no idea what I'm doing or what I'm supposed to do or even if I want to do anything at this stage. I want to stay in bed and waste away til there's nothing left of me but my bones and scars.
  6. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    I know that feeling all too well, hell I feel like it now, but it is always worth just looking into what help and support you could get. you can decide what you wish to do another time, just take it one day, even one hour at a time
  7. edicus

    edicus Member

    I'm here tonight I'll concentrate on that then. Here's to feeling better if we're here tomorrow
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi Dani
    you did right when you talked about how things are. Thats what this community is about. I am so sorry things have fallen apart for you. I agree with the things Perfect Melancholy has said. As a matter of fact, I have known many instances of things coming back together in even a better way, after working on things. Please use this community as your support system and community. Its what its all about ! And we really are a community. Glad for each community member who comes and tells their story. I am glad you are here. Please do everything in your power to stay alive. So you can be alive to see life after healing of your heart. And I am sorry your heart has been so very hurt. what is 3rd sector? I do hope you will also reach out irl to get support. You so deserve as much as you can get :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 6, 2013
  9. edicus

    edicus Member

    I made it through last night and I'm already wish I hadn't. I ex called me drunk I guess and gave me so much verbal abuse that I was sick afterwards. I tried talking to my dad but he's not well since mam left and didn't say much to me.
    I have no one. I have to go to work tomorrow plaster on the smiles and fake intelligence and hard working ethic and I'm not sure i can. I want everything to stop. I want to die so badly. The weather is so nice outside and all I can do is hide in my bed begging god to let me die even though I'm an atheist. That's how desperate I feel.
    I haven't eaten in 3 days I think I'm trying to starve myself to death subconsciously
  10. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    hey iim im sorry you have gone though a lot recently i now that feels when i lodt a lot myself. but things will get better, dont take suicie as way out. can you speak to mental health teams or get assistance from your local hospital if that helps, bnut reach out to your dr if it helps and seek help
  11. edicus

    edicus Member

    I feel like I have no voice anymore
    I can't talk to anyone anymore
    I'm sorry Please know i can't be helped
  12. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    I know that's how it feels. We get caught up in our own negativity. Please consider talking to someone irl as well as here. You are in a very stressful situation. Your feelings are understandable. It can be very easy to get trapped in negative thoughts.
  13. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    Can you take your mind of life a while , read a book watch a television programme you like or do something mindless like dishwasher, sorting out dvds or the washing? can you talk to someone on how you are feeling it doesnt have to be your current situation it can be about weather or completely off topic conversations like celebrities/music/tv? That
    way it will keep you safe.
  14. edicus

    edicus Member

    I'm really really fucking scared of myself right now
  15. Jainey

    Jainey Active Member

    I haven't eaten for a week. And like you put on a brave exterior for work. I work in the 3 rd sector, and ironically deal with clients who self harm and contemplate suicide. Sometimes I find it hard to deal with them. I'm also a CBT therapist but cannot practice what I preach, mad really. All I want is to stay in bed. I crave it and can't wait to crawl back in. My colleagues know I'm not good at the moment, but am skilled in saying I'm fine.

    Not eating gives me some control over my life. I'm feel,content that I'm slowly dying.
  16. Jainey

    Jainey Active Member

  17. snarrylover

    snarrylover Well-Known Member

    Skinnylove is right. Distraction is a good thing right now - even if it's talking to someone, online or in your life, about shared interests.

    You said your Dad is a wreck. Have you thought about maybe getting your dad some help? Maybe taking him to a doctor and seeing if it would be possible for him to talk to someone? It might help you in the process, to not have to look after him so much.

    Please eat something. Think of all the yummy foods you can have. I have no idea what your relationship with your Dad is like. Could you treat him to a meal out?
  18. Inferior

    Inferior Member

    Hi dani im new to this site and after coming across your thread i just thought id share my thoughts if that's okay, im not going to tell you everything is going to be okay or what to do to resolve it, because the only person that can get you out of your depression is yourself, speaking from experience i know that whenever people told me to take my mind off things or made managed to stop me from thinking about my story for a small amount of time, no matter what the feelings always came back, you feel like you have nobody not even family because they are wrapped up into their own problems or they don't care about you, i'm also going through those feelings and no matter what anybody tells me or tries to get me to do the feelings always come back, i will ask this though when you were living by yourself (when you were with your boyfriend) were you happy? or did you hide it secretly from him too, because if i've noticed one thing is that when one problem goes wrong it sets off a chain reaction of problems which build up and up until you can't deal with them any more, the trick is to take each problem out individually as all at once is impossible and will most likely pile on the pressure and make you worse. i know that i's none of my business or anything i just hope some of what i said helps if not then im sorry i couldn't help, and i wish you the best and im here if you want to talk, i mean for me all i've ever wanted is for someone to listen to my story it doesn't matter for me whether they care or listen at least then it's not just in my head.
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