life changing

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by x too c, Sep 25, 2012.

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  1. x too c

    x too c New Member

    Hello everyone, my name is Austin and for quite sometime now ive felt like i didn't belong with anywhere.. When i was young my parents never cared much for me and i was mostly raised by my grandparents. My grandfather was the meanest drunk, he used to beat me all the time, throw me up against walls...ect. I remember the day when he passed, i didnt think it was right but i threw myself a little party in the basement (my room) because that stress was out of my life. All this happened before i was 10.

    I remember going into middle school, thinking everything was going to be different and new and exciting.. Sadly i was mistaken. For 2 years my 6th and 7th grade's were horrible.. I was constantly abused (not physically) but it still hurt.. I remember the day i tried to cut myself, i thought well whats the worse that can happen.. I almost died that day in my bathtub.. maybe i was subconsciously trying to do it? Anyway i got kicked out in 7th grade for the remainder of the year because i snapped.. and by snapped i mean i started hitting this kids head into a locker cause he started about how i didn't have parents and i was a piece of shit. Probably wasnt the best action i could have used there but oh well.

    High school! - Supposed to be the best times of our lives right...? 9th grade i was the normal kid who had "friends" and wasnt like a nerd or unpopular or anything like that. I was still cutting myself at this point because the rush of doing it was so addicting. Everyday ritual pretty much, i would go into the woods and vibe about the day and do my thing. Well i finally got the courage to ask this girl out, she said yes! Happiest moment of my life. I was 16 at the time, had a car, had a job, had a gf, had many friends, and everything was going so well. The week before prom, 2 years and 7 months later she dumped me... Guess what started again.. everything. The feelings the cutting the everything. This was my first real attempt at suicide.. after it happened i told her, if i cant have you then im going to die. She replied with "good your better off dead anyway" Well this made me go crazy, i wasnt thinking at the time and drove my car head first into a telephone pole going approx 75-80 mph. I didnt die though as you can see, just almost killed myself, went into a coma for 2 days, broke many bones, totaled the car.. I ended up going to prom with another girl, but it really wasnt the same.. i dreamed of takin my old gf to my senior prom in my dads charger and it never happened...

    With leads me up to today.. Currently i have NO friends, NO job, NO car, NO life, and still heavily depressed.. ive been to all the rehabs, clinics and anti depressents ive tried everything but everytime i look into a mirror at myself i just wanna kill myself.. i cant take it anymore.. so this is my story im sorry its such a long read with horrible spelling and grammer but im not really in the state of mind and im crying a hell of a lot right now.

    I have my whole plan set up.. im taking <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> in a couple days i havent decided peaceful bliss i guess. Heres out to everyone stronger than me. God bless you all.
  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    First off, I'm sorry that times have been hard on you. You do remember good times though. In fact, it seems that those good times were from when you had friends, job, car, etc. You don't have those things now and you are making plans to end your life. Why are you not instead making plans to work yourself back up to those things you had that once made you happy? As long as you are investing time in planning... why must it be for negative when you have already pretty well identified what it takes to make you happy? I highly encourage you to focus energy toward the positive so that you can achieve happiness again.
  3. x too c

    x too c New Member

    see thats just it, ive tried getting a job but from my past history noone will hire me.. i got rejected from mcdonalds -.- i just feel like its never gonna get any easier
  4. ripples

    ripples Member

    I shan't offer petty platitudes, i think it's pretty cool that you've toyed with mutilation. You've described the shitty Suburban Americana portrayed in Hollywood blockbusters.

    Listen to some Fear factory, it will soothe your nerves (I'm guessing.)
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