Life crisis I guess

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Arcana Choir, Jan 20, 2011.

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  1. Arcana Choir

    Arcana Choir Member

    Okay well my name is Sacha, I'm 19 and I live England.

    I don't really know why I'm doing this, I feel totally stupid writing this and it's not like it even matters. In real life I am a fairly quiet person and I think I'm good at hiding my feelings. No-one would know what I was feeling if I didn't want them to and no-one would suspect what I am about to tell now. I guess I just want to try and understand who I am really that's why I am writing here.

    I hate saying it because it sounds so pathetic but I used to have "depression" while I was in school which ended up with me trying to kill myself. I would have (and wish I did tbh) if my Mum didn't find me and take me to hospital. Apparently it was quite close which makes it even worse really. No-one to this day knows about it apart from my Mum and my Doctor. No-one else ever will.

    I don't understand why I am like this, I don't have a bad life, I don't really have any worries. I have great friends and I'm close to my family. Yet I feel alone as though no-one understands me really. It's not something that will change though. I have been through various treatments and pretended they were working but really, I felt no different at all. No-one in the world except me knows I'm feeling like this now.

    This, is what "this" is: My mind is poison, every good thing that happens to me or that I have my mind turns it against me. Something will happen and I will feel temporarily elated then it's only a matter of time until it is gone. I just feel a great sadness the whole time, it's like I'm seeing the world in sepia. It's like there is a huge cloud over my brain blocking out all the happiness. Worse yet, no-one I know could understand this, or would even guess I was feeling this. Even if they did my pride wouldn't allow me to admit it.

    If you don't understand so far I'll give you one easy example. This time last year I met the most beautiful girl I'd ever set eyes on at a party, her name was Katie. We ended up getting together and everything was great. For the first time in about 18 months I felt something other than utter despair. The irony is that I was nothing yet Katie really loved me. She put up with my moods and me being a total dick. I loved her at the start, I really did. We're only 19 but I knew what it was. Eventually as with everything my mind turned me against her and eventually I had convinced myself I didn't want to be with her. This really hurt her yet I felt nothing. I was just back to being my bitter self. Now 5 months on from finishing her I want her back and my mind is torturing me about that amongst other things.

    This whole thing, me writing here, it is nothing to do with a broken relationship. It was just one example I can give to try help you understand me. I am just broken in my mind.

    I am 19 now and I have felt "depressed" for the last five years. "Depressed" is my normal mindset. I cannot see anything changing this, I am wondering how I can possibly cope with the next 60 years of my life living like this. I think about death often and I see it as a peaceful escape. Not something to be afraid of. The reason for not taking my life is because I feel I owe to much to my Mum who has been through hell and back for me. And two because as stupid as it sounds, I can't be bothered with the hassle. I would only try if I knew 100% it would work. <Edit Moderator Method> Obviously these are not so easily available in England.

    If you knew me in real life, you would think I was making this up. If you met me in real life you wouldn't expect anything like this in a million years. I've been fooling my best friends until now.

    That's my piece anyway. I don't even know how to end this properly and I feel completely stupid even submitting this. Luckily none of you will ever know or meet me so.. suppose really it doesn't matter.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 20, 2011
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    But you are wrong YOU do matter and how you feel matters. I too wear a mask of laughter of calmness but the sadness is so deep. You don't have to have anything wrong to have depression it could be all chemical inbalance which is good. If it is chemical inbalance medication can treat it very well. I hope you will talk to someone a professional who does understand okay. You don't need to continue on with this charade okay depression hurts deeply and you can be treated for it and fee alive and happy again hugs to you:hugtackles:
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi AC and welcome...we always post here about the duality we live in...seeming one way to the real world, while inside we are in darkness...I think this is one of the signs of depression...the grey glasses we wear that turns all light to dark, and does not give the other side a voice (to varying degrees)...maybe, trying to express these feelings to someone who can help (e.g. a pdoc, therapist) might have you feel more authentic and allow you to see we are not all black or white (although it does feel all dark at times) you wrote here, so very well, tell someone...even take this post and have him/her read it...welcome again and I am sure there are many ppl here who can relate to what you have written...J
  4. Arcana Choir

    Arcana Choir Member

    Thank you for the heartfelt replies. I have already taken medication for a "chemical inbalance" and it didn't work. Imagine it like this:

    Everyone has a value between -100 and +100. 0 being normal, +100 being happiest you ever feel, -100 being the saddest. Normal people start on 0. I feel like I was born on -50.

    I have also tried talking to people after my school troubles, they didn't help either. I feel like this is who I am and although it's different to normal society, it's my version of normal so therefore cannot be changed. Depression is an illness but to me it feels like it is just my default mind set.

    My mind is fighting itself, it's almost like the opposite of the placebo effect - Because I know I want to change it won't let me.

    I really don't know what to do with myself. I am alive when I don't want to be it's as simple as that. Not in some kind of morbid messed up way, I just don't see the point in living as I do, and I don't want the next five years to be like the last. I don't want to die to prove a point I just want to be free. I wish I could just fade away and no-one would ever know. I wish lightning would strike me down or some freak blood clot or something, would be better for everyone.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    That is depression it distorted your thinking your thoughts It gets you to think nothing will change and you would be better off not here. Depression takes over okay you need to talk to a professional that deals with depression and will treat it and slowly those thoughts you have will change okay .
  6. Arcana Choir

    Arcana Choir Member

    Sorry I know you're trying to be helpful but I don't think I'll ever talk to a psychiatrist.

    I am only giving away this much on here because it's practically anonymous. I could never consider being this open with anyone face to face.

    It's a vicious circle my mind eh..
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Thats okay i am glad you can talk here and you don't have to talk to a psychiatrist for help your regular doctor can prescribe antidepressants Just keep letting your thoughts out here okay. Sometimes writing about how we feel helps immensely Hugs :hugtackles:
  8. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    Your mind is not poisoned you know. You are incredibly erudite and able to express yourself in a clear and intelligent way. That has to count for something? I know when I am in the depths of despair I cannot express myself half as well as you have. You have been constructive and explained yourself in an excellent way.

    I cant say I know how you feel, cause that is rubbish. But I can say I do get what you mean about seeing the world in sepia. I get a huge black cloud that wraps itself around me and I cannot think a single positive thought.

    Even if you cannot go to see a Psychiatrist, you can talk to us. I hope you carry on doing that.

    Be kind to youself.
  9. Arcana Choir

    Arcana Choir Member

    Thanks for your kind and encouraging words. I know exactly what you mean about the black cloud and being unable to think positive thoughts.

    It's nice to know there are other people in the world who I can relate to. Even if for your sake I wish it were not the case.

    I think I'm going through the worst stage at the moment as I feel very paranoid when I have to leave my room at Uni. I had to go to the shop earlier and I could almost hear what people were whispering. Obviously they weren't and I'm not about to let a little thing like that get in the way of my day, however I feel like I did at school which was probably when I have felt the worst of all.
  10. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    I know that one only two well. There are times when I am convinced that my friends are all emailing eachother about me and I know what they are saying. When I'm more rational, I know they aren't. But like you say, you have this intense sick feeling that they are and are telling eachother just how useless they think you are.

    I am just coming out of one of these periods and it has been harsh. But I have made it through.

    I have an appointment with my Psyhiatrist as the end of this month, so I'm going to talk it over with him. Don't worry, this won't turn into a lecture about you going to see someone.

    I just wanted you to know that you are not on your own.
  11. Arcana Choir

    Arcana Choir Member

    It's been some time since I originally posted here. I don't really know what to say, I hate to be the voice of misery but stuff has only got worse which is as much a surprise to me as anyone?

    I have been on a few nights out with my best friends since returning from Uni, every time towards the end of the night I start feeling sadder and sadder and eventually I just actually sprint out of whichever bar or club I am in and run and run and run until I am crying and out of breath, probably quite a comical sight. Luckily my friends are usually too drunk to realize. Any old excuse as to where I went passes with them which is great for me. :) Not a sarcastic comment about them not caring by the way it's really great because it saves me coming up with awkward excuses.

    All I want to do these days is just listen to my iPod on full volume and read as much as possible from when I wake to when I sleep. Speaking to even my family takes unbelievable effort. They just get annoyed at me for sulking (Which I am not) I suppose they don't understand the fact I want to be left alone and that talking makes me feel physically sick and takes a ridiculous amount of effort.

    I don't really sleep properly either, it's 4:19am for me now and I feel wide awake, but getting up before 1pm is a miracle. I don't even like being asleep because what I dream about makes me wake up feeling like crying and as though someone has shoved a knife through my heart. (Sorry for the obvious emo culture reference.) I have no appetite whatsoever and I feel constantly as if I'm about to be sick. When I shut my eyes I just have these visions of me falling, slow motion and body spread, backwards, off this place i know locally, it's ridiculous but it is just what I imagine as soon as my eyes are shut

    I hate myself for writing this now, I hate that I want people to read it. I really don't want sympathy or some shit like that, I just want to relate to someone. I feel so alone, like I am trapped inside my own head. It's like I'm watching a live video of my own life that I can't control.

    At the moment my mood is: My iPod is all that is sustaining me.

    To be fair the one thing I'm proud of is that even though I feel like I have substantially deteriorated no-one has picked up on it. Which means it can't be as obvious or bad as I think.

    PS: Don't even know why I'm posting this, I feel stupid.. yet again. My point is.. What can I do?

    For fuck sake I am a 19 year old guy with nothing to worry about whatsoever yet I feel like crying and being unable to stop the whole time? Not only does that make me feel like a selfish twat it makes me feel even more out of place with everything.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 19, 2011
  12. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi glad to see you posting again gettting out all those thought and emotions do lighten the load inside your heart some. Sometimes just talking to a councilor at your school can help you know that is what they are there for to listen to help where they can. It takes strength to reach out for help when you need it i hope you do hugs
  13. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    if there are no external stimuli that trigger your moods, i think we can argue that it is hormonal/chemical. having said that you're still growing, all types of havoc is going on in your nervous system.

    why do you not want to talk to a psychiatrist? would you consider a psychologist? counesllors are generally for practical matters not medical. like for basic support yes but do not have the extensive clinical training to deal with anything psychological.

    did your dr recommend any follow up after your attempt? was their any mental health involvement?

    what are you studying at uni?
  14. Arcana Choir

    Arcana Choir Member

    I don't like the idea of someone thinking they know you inside and out and knowing what is best for you when they see for 1 hour a week. Beside when someone is staring back at me as I tell them I have no desire to continue existing it's slightly more uncomfortable than saying so over the internet. I can't even explain in words half of what or how I feel.

    I got made to see a counseller but it was shockingly easy to tell them what they wanted to hear and after the mandatory amount of sessions they were more than happy to declare it a teenage blip.

    Another thing is just the effort of other people knowing.

    I'm not actively seeking to end my life or self harm or anything like that. It's just my constant state of mind is that if death were to happen to me, it'd be welcome. Being asleep is torture and being awake is not much better. What can anyone really do about it.

    I'm studying Advertising and PR. :eek:hmy:
  15. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i look at it this way, you wouldn't try and fix a broken leg on your own, so why try and fix a broken mood on your own.... a psychiatrist can diagnose you and set you up with the right medication to help stabilize your moods. if you find a good therapist you can see them weekly, but not everyone needs therapy so you're right, maybe it's not for you. but don't dismiss medication. it might just help.
  16. Arcana Choir

    Arcana Choir Member

    I've not been here for a while, a few months infact. I guess I am only prompted to return in real times of.. well, desperation.

    I haven't got a single positive thought about anything. I honestly feel as if things can't get worse. This is a new situation really, I've always had small pick me ups to look forward to or to make an effort for. I've been searching for one for a long time now and not even a glimmer. I'm at a loss.

    The real reason I post I suppose is that since leaving Uni I had been managing to alleviate some of the more extreme thoughts I'd been having but over the last couple of weeks these have been starting all over, strong than ever, I'm practically in a trance most of the time. If it wasn't for my iPod.. christ knows.

    I really wish I could see some light at the end of the tunnel so to speak..
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