Okay well my name is Sacha, I'm 19 and I live England. I don't really know why I'm doing this, I feel totally stupid writing this and it's not like it even matters. In real life I am a fairly quiet person and I think I'm good at hiding my feelings. No-one would know what I was feeling if I didn't want them to and no-one would suspect what I am about to tell now. I guess I just want to try and understand who I am really that's why I am writing here. I hate saying it because it sounds so pathetic but I used to have "depression" while I was in school which ended up with me trying to kill myself. I would have (and wish I did tbh) if my Mum didn't find me and take me to hospital. Apparently it was quite close which makes it even worse really. No-one to this day knows about it apart from my Mum and my Doctor. No-one else ever will. I don't understand why I am like this, I don't have a bad life, I don't really have any worries. I have great friends and I'm close to my family. Yet I feel alone as though no-one understands me really. It's not something that will change though. I have been through various treatments and pretended they were working but really, I felt no different at all. No-one in the world except me knows I'm feeling like this now. This, is what "this" is: My mind is poison, every good thing that happens to me or that I have my mind turns it against me. Something will happen and I will feel temporarily elated then it's only a matter of time until it is gone. I just feel a great sadness the whole time, it's like I'm seeing the world in sepia. It's like there is a huge cloud over my brain blocking out all the happiness. Worse yet, no-one I know could understand this, or would even guess I was feeling this. Even if they did my pride wouldn't allow me to admit it. If you don't understand so far I'll give you one easy example. This time last year I met the most beautiful girl I'd ever set eyes on at a party, her name was Katie. We ended up getting together and everything was great. For the first time in about 18 months I felt something other than utter despair. The irony is that I was nothing yet Katie really loved me. She put up with my moods and me being a total dick. I loved her at the start, I really did. We're only 19 but I knew what it was. Eventually as with everything my mind turned me against her and eventually I had convinced myself I didn't want to be with her. This really hurt her yet I felt nothing. I was just back to being my bitter self. Now 5 months on from finishing her I want her back and my mind is torturing me about that amongst other things. This whole thing, me writing here, it is nothing to do with a broken relationship. It was just one example I can give to try help you understand me. I am just broken in my mind. I am 19 now and I have felt "depressed" for the last five years. "Depressed" is my normal mindset. I cannot see anything changing this, I am wondering how I can possibly cope with the next 60 years of my life living like this. I think about death often and I see it as a peaceful escape. Not something to be afraid of. The reason for not taking my life is because I feel I owe to much to my Mum who has been through hell and back for me. And two because as stupid as it sounds, I can't be bothered with the hassle. I would only try if I knew 100% it would work. <Edit Moderator Method> Obviously these are not so easily available in England. If you knew me in real life, you would think I was making this up. If you met me in real life you wouldn't expect anything like this in a million years. I've been fooling my best friends until now. That's my piece anyway. I don't even know how to end this properly and I feel completely stupid even submitting this. Luckily none of you will ever know or meet me so.. suppose really it doesn't matter.