life/crisis *possible trigger* I'm tired of these thoughts, these things that won't let go of me. I'm tired of struggling ever day of my life, thinking about suicide, hearing these awful things that were told to me, seeing those things that happened to me, I was only a child. Dad beat my brother up when I was little I remember screaming "Daddy don't". I was 3 years old. I was closest to my brother we were all we had, after we were split up he was gone. My father left us for his 'girlfriend' who had 2 daughters. Daddy promised me it'd be OK, he'd still be my father. It hurt, to see him be a father to 2 little hateful girls who got everything, his wife didn't want him to have anything to do with me. At 6 my mother met a guy who later became my step father, we moved around the USA alot because he owed money, was wanted by the law and etc. He started beating me at 6, he started raping me at 7... He would rape me and beat me and stick his gun to me, he at first bought me dolls to bribe me, I said 'no, I don't want them, please stop, I just want my family, I'm sorry for being bad' He started isolating my from the outside world, and threatening my daily.. I told my mother oneday, but I found out she already knew like I thought, she told me 'You can never tell anyone, I'm the only who will take you, if you tell you'll ruin my life and it will always be your fault'. By the time I was 6 I had to do everything for myself, I had to grow up, raise myself and constantly be ongaurd for my life all the time, I could never sleep as my step father was out to rape me at night. I had to put on a fake face and pretend I didn't with-go beatings, rapes, death threats, no-one caring, isolating, abandonment, abuses of all shapes and sizes.. The fake face turned blank and invalid. My eyes were blatant and fill with pain, I wouldn't look into peoples eyes, and I still won't. At 8 we lived in Oklahoma, a teen boy I knew from the neighborhood came over, and he started touching me and sexually abusing me, I let him I knew nothing but it. I went to school daily in a wealthy school, with torn and old/used clothing, day by day getting bullied and beat up and made fun of to the point of having no-one safe to go, stuck in hell. No-one would help me, I was so alone, a lost, trapped scared child, who is still in me. By the time I was around 8 my mother kept telling me I was ugly, fat, worthless, to always wear make up and do my hair, because I had no-one to love me and if I didn't I would NEVER have anyone, that I would forever be alone. I had no friends, no-one to care, to save me. I started running away... Never worked. By around 11-12 years old, I met this new girl at school, she wasn't cruel to me, she asked me to visit her home.. I did, she had a sister and brother, sisterinlaw, their kids and her father. They were all cold to me, but her father was always joking and seemed kind. One night I ran away, I went there and he said he'd get me out of the country, he started poking and touching me, innocent it seemed, then he started raping me. He called over and again...explaining he did nothing wrong to me, I started going back, and he sexually abused me more and more. He started telling me things, over and over, telling me to believe him I could only believe him, that most people worshiped the devil, not to trust social workers, teacher, Pasteur's/preachers, nurses, doctors, therapists, that they are trained by the government that worship the devil to brain wash you for the end of the world. To never say anything out loud, the devil can hear and he will send his people after me, he told me so many crazy things even leading up to child sacrifices and conspiracies. After so many years, I believed him until a couple years ago infact did I Even realize it was abuse, it was untrue. He went to prison for raping his granddaughters, I feel I'm to blame, that I should have seen it but never did. I could see pain in their eyes, I tried making everything upto them, care, presents, love, attention, but I didn't know what he did to them, just what their parents did (bruising them) I called child services years ago, they did nothing. I in a way had grown attached to some of my abusers, I think I had to pretend things were OK so long I started getting use to it and caring after faking that so long. I finally went to school and told the councilor, she called the police about my step father, they called my mom, she said I lied. They left it alone. My step father threatened my life, I ran to a gas station to call my real father after consideration of if he didn't it'd embarrass him, he took me in, for less than a year I was tormented by his step daughters and their mother, after all the comparing me to them, he said I was too stupid, shy, fat, to be with him. I went o mom, her husband took off because the police found him. I ran away to a boy's in Indiana after a week I was found. I started losing people to death even after I lost everyone else by abandonment, things kept changing so dramatically. Never for the best. At 15 I was grabbed at night on the street and raped, he wouldn't stop. Later that year I met a guy on AOL who was saying he wanted to send a card to me and maybe visit someday, he showed up and raped me over and over, I said 'no' he didn't stop so I stopped fighting, tried pretending it'd go away. I then met a guy another time walking, I was crying, he asked what was wrong, he was on a motorcycle, he said, come with me, we can talk, he tried forcing himself on me, he finally took me home, he touched me other occasions, finally I said, 'no, I won't', he said "I know where you live, I'll date your mother'.. He started going over and he dated her, I told her 'no, don't I can't take anymore' She told him, he talked her into signing me into a mental hospital in Oklahoma. Later on I had a nervous breakdown and sign out of school and we moved to Kansas. Gran bought my a house, I fixed it up, felt safe, later on it caught fire and I almost went down in it. I was in shock even told I went to the house after it was burnt down trying to get in a window, I don't remember it. I then moved into my own apt at nearly 16, I had no friends, I met some people who were bad news but I wanted friends so. I met this woman she was nice to me at first but she was using me to have a place to bring men to have sex with to because she was married. She did speed and weed and she got me started on them, she introduced me to some of the worse problems in my past. She worked at a gas station/quick shop and I went there to hang out, had nothing to do, her son came in I didn't even know she had one, he'd just gotten out of prison in Arizona, was from California. She told me I should be with him, I said no, but one day he came home with me saying he had no friends, after that he never left, we got together and he was kinda nice at first but started injecting me with meth and beating me and it was our life. I got very Dependant to him, by the time I was 17 I was arrested for yelling at my mother, though she took my words as a threat, I said "don't hit me stay out of my face or you'll regret it" (I meant if she did again I'd call the police) She called and said I threatened her, I was arrested and put in juvenile lock up for a week or more. After that I was sent to rehab, and then got out and was court order to CSS and mental heath place for people who need case management and groups, therapy, meds.. I stayed even after I didn't have to anymore. I met a woman who was nice at first, she got me to stay with her and her husband and got me drunk a lot and told me I should do "things with them" (sexual things) it'd help my life, change it. She was abusive and angry alot, she was also a cutter and provoked me to even more, she use to fight with her husband almost killed him once, I called 911. She was then in and out of my life. She got possessive, beat people up or threatened people I was with proclaiming being in love with me even leaving her husband, though she only stayed because I was there at the time, left when I wasn't. After that I was in a relationship with an ex body builder who I met on my 18th birthday. He seemed nice I was staying with Carol in this City, was living in another town, I started staying with him in his room, one night he borrowed her car to go meet my Gran, he was pulled over and arrested for absconding Arkansas halfway house, he was a major con artist has been to prison in 3 states I found out, off and on 20 some years. After that a guy Nick had met in treatment got with Carol, he started being nice to me, telling people I was his 'sistah' called me big sexy.. Behind Carol's back he would threaten me with bodily harm if I didn't let him have sex with me. He'd been in prison for forgery, and nearly beating someone too death in Topeka. (lately he'd found me and been beating on my door which didn't help) After that, the great Richard came into the picture I met at *** mental health place, he seemed nice as they ALL did, we got together, and I moved in with him and his mom and step dad to help take care of his mom and he wanted me to himself. After awhile he started getting verbally abusive and threatening, one night we drank at and old friends home, I told him I was walking to my apt which I still had, he started chasing me in his van, I turned around and ran back in the friends home and locked the door, he made me leave saying he didn't care what Richard did to me. He nearly ran over me with his van. I got home, he was there and grabbed me and shook me, said never to leave him, months later he was arrested for raping his step daughter from years before, I had no idea, there were lies from family, I stayed with him while he was in jail. Was hard for me to do it, take care of his mom and court dates and therapy and etc. I finally found out it was true when finding incest sites saved on his mom's computer that he's replied to the police took it and found child porn. I was wracked with guilt that I didn't believe the victim as I was the same type of victim growing up. Later after that I met my ex husband at the same mental health place, he was nice as they ALL were took me out to dinners, flowers, movies, we lived with his parents which were entwined in the law, I married him, he almost instantly started abusing me, hitting, punching, kicking, shaking, pushing, pulling, throwing things at me and very controlling and abusive in every way but sexual. I tried staying, they always held me there or manipulated me, I got away 3 times, they keep following me or calling me in when put in a safe house. I gave him one more change it got way worse, every time he'd promise to change this and that after one day he'd yell and tell me I was wrong they were right I could never leave. I left, t was hard to do, he didn't give up, I was homeless and had to stay with the woman I stayed with when I was 17 who was abusive... I went on drinking binges and out being districting to myself. a year later I divorced him. Since I was 11ish I have attempted suicide 15 times that I remember. I still struggle and this is not everything that happened, there was more abuse all throughout my life and more abusive boyfriends and such, more events I can't even discuss. I still attempt, I still hurt, I'm alone, with it ALL in my head, cutting, burning, attempting, crying, bashing myself, anything make it go away, it doesn't get better for me only worse. It's not my loves fault or anyone Else's here. I've met some people I love here and someone I love too death here, he has been here for me, cared, loved me, even thought more of my well being than his.. The 6th we finally got the money together, I rearranged my apt for him, I went to the airport, at 4pm and waited until 12:30 am, nothing, I was devastated, my mother said I was worthless and that's why he didn't show up, customs and homeland security stopped him once he enter the USA. I didn't know until 2 hours out of Wichita what happened I had no signal on my cell phone, I heard he was in trouble and had one from border protection and etc. I had a caring person from here call him mum to get on line and she told me, I broke into pieces and we cried together. My love is very young, and he's not lived so much life as I, he deserves better, he deserves the best in life and I can't gibe him that. I don't want to live with this gut wrenching pain and torment I do and am held captive in. I want this over with now and forever. I don't want to hurt anyone but it's the best, it'd be better if I was dead, why can't anyone see this? Do I deserve this pain? Do I? This is NOT everything or even close. The thoughts tell me to kill myself, I am bad, stupid, worthless, fat, they tell me to cut, kill myself, cut my face up and my fat off. They tell me to die all the time, I even see suicide methods and myself dead. And the nightmares and flashbacks won't go either.