LIfe, dreams, past

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by David1987, Jun 6, 2012.

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  1. David1987

    David1987 New Member

    (Sorry about my spelling, it is hard to focus on spelling when writing this)
    I am 25 and have a girlfriend. She is also 25 and we have been together for six months on the 17th this month. I am happy with her and she makes me feel home and safe. I am happy and I believe that she is as well. We practically live together where I am living at her place where I live normally at my dads place. My to cats are living over at my dad at the moment till we move and I visit my cats every weekend, where I stay there the entire weekend and I always get my cat treats with home when I come home.
    I have had a past with inflecting damage to myself with burning myself with hot metal. I have scares all over my arms and a little on my stomach and chest. I have not inflicted damage to myself for over 5 years but however the reason I am writing this is because of my dreams that I have 2, 3 times a week.
    I fear of losing my girlfriend which I love so much that it hurts. When I am home for the weekend to see my cats, then I feel a strong depression and loneliness and with fear that my girlfriend will find someone else that is better than me. I have planned to kill myself when that times comes. First I will adopt my cats away to someone that will take good care of them and love them for the rest of their lives first.

    To my dreams that I dream about 2, 3 times a week. I dream about her leaving me for someone else and she completely ignores me and couldn’t care a less about me. I fight for her but lose because her decision is made. I feel heart broken and abandoned and then kill myself in front of her. Before I kill myself I look at her to see what her reaction is, if she even cares that I am going to kill myself and her face is cold and careless because she cares more about her hormonal feelings, that she wants to satisfy. Then I turn around and open the window and sit on the ledge and breath in and then close my eyes and then let go of life and then jump out of the high building and while falling I feel such peace inside. That I have let go of everything and before I hit the ground, then I wake up. Other times in my dreams I shot my brains out. But what hurts the most is that she does not care or loves me in my dreams.
    I feel so alone when she lets me go and doesn’t care a less or loves me.

    Real life. She does not know about any of this in my mind or plans. She know that I have burnt my self in the past because she can see it and I told her about it.
    She does show that she cares about me and thinks about me.
    But I can not control my paranoia thoughts.
    I hate being an animal with these primitive reptile instincts that everyone has.

    I hate disloyalty in this world with people fucking left and right.
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    not being able to live if you broke up with your girlfriend is not healthy. that level of dependence is often what makes a relationship break up. the best way to preserve your relationship is to be able to live without it.

    Could you talk to a therapist about this?

    I love cats.
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