Life feels so utterly pointless.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ellie Grey, Jan 26, 2013.

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  1. Ellie Grey

    Ellie Grey Well-Known Member

    So, to make it brief I have suffered from anxiety since I was a very young child, however it only affected my ability to function when I started high school. I refused to go to school, the police got involved after I disappeared, my mother slapped me then just stop functioning. I moved out, she got worse, I have recently found out she self harmed and was suicidal for 2 days, never leaving her room. I was transferred after my first suicide attempt to a unit for children with anxiety issues just before my 12th birthday.
    I was happy for a while before my father got stabbed and died.
    So I did many stupid things, but I started to get better. I was hospitalized after another overdose, I've taken 2 smaller ones since.
    I've got many scars, parts of my arm are nothing but silver and pink scars. My mother has been very ill lately and just started screaming, slamming doors, she also threw something. Every time I come to the conclusion only I can help myself it changes within days as she'll say something, call me a selfish bitch, lazy, fat, she's called me a slut in the past, a bastard, says my scars are disgusting etc.

    Every adult I talk to this about says I need to accept her behaviour and move on, that I need to forgive her as everyone makes mistakes.
    She cannot control her moods (She has bipolar) when she gets stressed, most of the time she is perfectly fine, it's just every few months.
    She's snappy, she's stressed and angry, she seems to take it out on me. I know it won't be long before she hits me, I know the way she is.

    Every time this happens my self esteem is left in tatters, my self harm has reached a new low, they're much deeper than usual, even my mother was shocked. I have lost the fear of what people will think of them and how bad the scars will be, I seem to have no reason to hold back or even stop.
    In a few days I'll snap out of this, stop self harming and start looking after myself, but then my mother will say something else, or just start worrying me again and I'll end up back to square one.
    I really don't want anything to do with her, I make sure she's okay when she gets home from work, I ask how her day went and if she wants anything, then I leave her alone.
    A few hours after her outburst she was being all nice to me, gave me a hug. Her excuse was since she's had the flu she hasn't slept or eaten anything and they still made her go into work. I can accept it for that reason, but she's been like this before, so it's not just because she is ill.

    I don't know what to do anymore.
    I really don't, I also don't know how to clean wounds so they don't become infected.
    I tend to take the scabs off so people won't notice it as much but I think that's bad as they help it from infection, I don't know though.
    I'm so confused, I'm in the middle of my exams that will get me into college so I can't miss any more school. I stopped going school for a couple days as I couldn't bare the thought of leaving the house.
  2. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I cant rly imagine all you must be goig thru.. i deal with pretty bad anxiety myself and was in a few treatment centers. I eventually ended up in foster care. Anyway, i really hope you can keep together until u can b on ur own. Life gets so much better with independence. You are a very strong person. I can tell from what you have said. Im glad u found this place and you have us to talk to as well. I also question my parents actions sometimes and wonder if its justifiedtype thing. Like, sometimes i think they just have their own issues and others i get very angry almost to hate. But idk what to rly say. Other then we r here for u.
  3. listless

    listless Banned Member

    It seems your mother has a terrible influence on you so you'd be best off living on your own. I've experienced anxiety for a short while in my life when things got really bad for me, but it disappeared when my life improved. Once you're independent, you'll find you can have a good relationship with your mother again.

    I went through a lot of shit in my life to get to where I am. Largely I was chasing a dream for success that didn't work out, meanwhile my world was falling apart around me. Even after the first major shakeup in my life, I still didn't clue in. That is I should've gotten a real job much sooner because things were getting really bad for myself and my family. Anyways, once I started working I was able to solve our most serious issues-my mother and I could've ended up on the streets if I didn't wake up in time. And even then it was hellish since we were living in a bad place, but after a year moved to a much nicer one and became much happier and at peace.

    Just saying you're not alone-all of us here have suffered and still do, but we confront our life problems head on and work to solve them. I wish you all the best in your future, start loving yourself and then work on making life better for you and your mother (as I have).
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