Life flashing before my eyes

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by TheLoneWolf, Jul 18, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    They say that before you die, your life flashes before your eyes.

    Well, my life has been flashing before my eyes. Not quickly, mind you... a memory from my childhood here, an old friend there... my past keeps coming back to me, and this is something that has never happened to me before. I've always tried to forget my past because I was looking forward to a better future. But more and more, I find myself drawn to the past. I think of everywhere I went wrong. I think of how much potential I had. I think of the people I knew, the girls I liked, the opportunities I screwed up. I think of how simple life was when I was young. I think of how I thought my future would be. I realize that if I met my former self, former self would be terribly disappointed. No, disappointed is an understatement. I would be devastated. I'm reliving my past, reliving old hopes and dreams, and no longer looking towards the future, because I don't see any.

    I know there's probably a perfectly rational explanation for this, but I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm reliving my past because I'm approaching my end. I don't necessarily mean by suicide, either. I get the impression that it doesn't really matter whether I kill myself or not, because I'm going to die soon anyway. I don't have any particular reason to think so, just an eerie feeling that I can't seem to shake. I haven't been to a doctor in about 20 years, so I wouldn't know for sure whether I was dying or not, and to be honest, I don't really want to know. What would I even do with that information? I don't want to know when and how I'm going to die. That's not helpful to me, it will only depress me even more.

    Anyway, it's okay if nobody responds to this. I'm just kind of thinking out loud here. I don't really know what I expect anyone to say. If someone else has experienced something similar, if this is just a normal part of aging, then that's great. Otherwise, well, I don't know. That's why I posted this in the uncertainty part of the forum. Because it's just something I've been pondering and I don't have any answers.
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I've had it happen to me, too. Sometimes it's part of the depression episode, sometimes it's a sign that I'm getting ready to accept or let go of something nasty and move on.

    Regret for things we cannot change is normal - hindsight is 20-20. But living in regret leads to slumping in bitterness. We all make choices/do things that don't go as planned/hoped. Looking ahead may not seem any brighter, but it is at least looking for a way to move out of the regrets. (And I find it just as hard as anyone else to manage to's not always easy...we do what we can.)

    Thinking of you.
  3. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    It's not just regrets though. Old songs that I used to like, movies I used to watch, places I used to go... it's like my whole childhood and adolescence keeps popping back up. Things that I haven't thought about in years, decades even. It's like I'm reliving my entire life over again. Even good memories from the past are coming back, almost as if in a dream. Why would I suddenly think of things that I hadn't thought of in 25 years without any provocation? Unless of course I was slowly dying and reflecting on my life. Maybe I'm just being dramatic, but before I was focused on my hopes for my future... how I wanted to change my life. Now it's almost like I've given up on that. I try to stay hopeful about the future, but I seem to have hit a mental block where I can no longer really imagine a future self. I used to daydream about the future all the time, but now I can't even see myself in it. I actually have reasons to be hopeful, but I get the feeling that it's too late. I waited too long to make a change... I should've seized the last opportunity I had before I let myself get to this point.
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Yeah, that happens too. Almost as if letting some memories surface it lets other ones come to mind as well - even if the incidents/details are not related. I think quite a few depressed folks have this sort of thing happen occasionally. I mean, we push feelings and memories down, and if one gets out, there's at least a hundred more waiting behind it, right? :hug:

    PS: I'm not trying to trivialize this for you, just let you know you're not alone. I can recall times it's happened to me and it felt downright weird.
  5. Lps

    Lps Well-Known Member

    Hey LoneWolf,

    You're never, ever too old to make changes. I'm not very old yet :) and I already feel resistance in things that need to be changed. So I think that stays with us...but every moment is an opportunity to do what you REALLY want to do. I like your posts & thanks for being you.
  6. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    @Acy - Oh, I know you're not trying to trivialize anything, you're just trying to rationalize it, and so am I. I'm hoping that this isn't my mind's way of rolling the credits on my life. As much as I sometimes wish I was dead, I'm not ready for my life's story to be over yet. I mean, what kind of sad, pathetic tale would that be? I need some kind of positive conclusion first. It does feel downright weird, because first it was memories from my adolescence coming back to me, and a bizarre urge to relive that part of my life (and for those who don't know a lot about me, it was a very weird part of my life)... now it's images from my childhood, pre-depression... memories of happy times, or at least I think they were happy times? I don't know, it was the 80s. Seems like ancient history now. I just keep getting these random flashbacks of my childhood, things that I had completely forgotten, and are just now coming back to me.

    Damn... in fact, I just had another one. What the hell is going on? I've always had such a hard time remembering my past, I barely remember anything before the age of 13... but now I'm suddenly remembering everything. Maybe not everything, but a lot of stuff that I haven't thought about in a long time. It's not like I'm in therapy or undergoing hypnosis or anything that could trigger lost memories to surface... in fact, right now I'm rather drunk, so you wouldn't think I would be coherent enough to remember what I did 5 minutes ago, let alone 25 years ago. I'm actually kind of worried that I'll end up uncovering some kind of traumatic memory, as if I don't have enough of those already. The messed up thing is that I've always wondered whether or not I was molested... I have no recollection of ever being molested, but some of my behaviors as a child - a 7 year old is not supposed to have sexual urges. And the fact that I've repressed so many memories... I know I'm probably just speculating here. I know I was physically and emotionally abused as a child. That I remember. But what if there's something more that I don't remember?

    I'm probably overthinking things. I have a tendency to do so. Maybe it's just random neurons firing off in my brain, I don't know. All I know is that my life has suddenly gotten very weird. Lol, who am I kidding... my life has always been weird. But it did get kind of boring for a while, and now it's getting weird again. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing... I'm pretty sure it's a bad thing.

    And you're very welcome Lps, and thank you for the supportive reply. Welcome to the forum, by the way.
  7. red ribbons

    red ribbons Well-Known Member

    Lone Wolf, my life has flashed before my eyes my whole long life. At least the parts where I don't have amnesia. When I can remember, I try to remember I am only beating myself up with the old memories, carrying on the abuse of the abusers, victimizing myself. How to get over it? Beyond telling my brain to shut up I don't know because my brain goes right back to the rehashing. Distraction is good but not long lasting...I would like to have my whole memory bank erased. I guess some good hypnotherapists can do that.
  8. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    red ribbons, I'm sorry you have to keep reliving your past abuse. I guess I'm fortunate in that I've grown numb to my own memories of abuse. I'm not so sure that I'd want to erase all of my memories... there may not be many good ones, but they are a part of me nonetheless. I would like to make some happy memories in my future in order to have some closure on the pains of my past. I just don't understand why I am now all of a sudden being flooded with flashbacks. You say you have always had this happen to you, but most of my life, the majority of my memories have been blocked by some degree of amnesia, and it seems like only now the fog is lifting. Why, at the age of 33? It makes no sense to me. I have not undergone any sort of hypnotherapy in years. I haven't encountered any triggers that I know of. It almost feels as though I am reliving my past in reverse. Perhaps my brain is searching for something, but what? I already know about the bad parts, unless there are more bad parts that I am not remembering... oh joy, that is just what I need, is to suddenly remember another negative part of my life... I can only hope that the majority of the memories that come back to me are positive ones. So far, most of them have been relatively neutral and mundane. That's the oddest part, there doesn't seem to be any good reason to remember such trivial events. It's like reading the world's most tedious autobiography backwards. I already know about the interesting parts, do I really need to remember what I had for lunch or what song was on the radio 25 years ago?
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.