Life Gets Redundant

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AbionaKatia, May 10, 2013.

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  1. AbionaKatia

    AbionaKatia Member

    I'm new to the site and this is pretty much the only site I've found that will really allow me to tell my story. I do have a lot of suicidal thoughts. I have tried talking to friends of mine, including my spouse. I'm don't think anyone is listening. How I got to this mindset is long and exhausting.

    You see, I've tried to be independent. I've tried taking care of my children on my own without any financial help. I've tried committing my entire life to them without question. They are such wonderful children and all have a beautiful outlook on life. I am so completely proud of the little people they've become (14, 10, 8 and 6). BUT in the process of having these wonderful beings I have allowed myself to get so deep into my mind that I'm having a hard time getting out of it. I always wanted more out of my life (as much as I love being a mother). I wanted to be someone and have this wonderful story to tell one day. I wanted to take vacations with or without my children or spouse. I wanted to complete all of those things that we have on our bucket lists. I'm burnt out on life. Life at this point is so redundant. I'm a spontaneous person and I'm living a life that is so repetitive it drives me crazy. My life really is surrounded by constant cleaning, bill paying and errand running. There isn't much more I can say other than that. I even have a hard time keeping up with the house and bills and maintaining some sort of relationship with my spouse.

    I haven't always been this way. There was a time when I had 3 children under 5. I was attending college full time and was on the President's List at school. I was able to do it all. But I'm not that person anymore. I got a divorce from my childrens father who was bipolar. After that I never gained traction. I gained 35 pounds, could not find a job, had to let my children live with my prior mother in law while I tried to find a place to live. The biggest blow was when I desperately applied for a commission job at a furniture store - and was turned down. I had 6 years of college and yet, to this day I cannot find a single person to hire me.

    I rarely sleep. I usually go to bed about 3am and wake back up at 6am to get the kids ready for school. I miss having something to look forward to. My husband is away on work 6 days every week and I see him about 50 days out of the year. Everything falls on my shoulders. I'm tired. I'm so tired.

    There are times when I feel like I'm in prison. I seriously envy those in solitary confinement. I'd give anything to wake up in the morning and all of the housework be done. Just one day in my lifetime. I wished I had family and friends nearby, but I don't. They all live about 200 miles away.

    Everyone always says I have 4 reasons to live. I agree, these children need me. If there was a reason to live then it should be for them. But what everyone doesn't see is the life I can't give them. I'm not referring to material things. I'm talking about patience and devotion. I'm at home with them 24 hours a day and 365 days out of the year. There is no one to help. at. all.

    Aside from being a parent and not being able to find a job. I'm living with the abuse of my daughter that occurred at her fathers home by a 10 year old neighborhood boy. I have filed protective orders, both were dismissed. I was told to modify child custody. Which is a great idea if I could afford the 2500.00 retainer fee. I've spoken to the police. I've spoken to magistrates and clerks at the courthouse. I've even filed an emergency petition to temporarily suspend visitation, which was also denied since another state had control over the papers for 3 years. My daughter was taken advantage of in a way that no little girl should be taken advantage of. When she came home from her dad's I found out. I have failed her. It was my job to make sure she was safe, even if she were at her fathers home. She won't ever have the innocence she was born with and for that I am numb. I simply can't get anyone to listen to me and I keep having to send her back to her fathers home because I can't afford to keep her safe.

    I got pregnant at 17 (I am 33 now). I really messed my life up from the very beginning. If I had been more responsible with my life my child would not be sacrificing for it now.

    I don't like wallowing in my own self pity, which is what I feel like I'm doing. A lot of people made read this and think it's really no big deal, but to me.. it's all I have. My children. I don't have a marriage to envy. In fact, I'm on my 3rd marriage at 33 years of age. I have done all of this to myself. No one is to blame but me. I don't know if I can continue to live a life that I have messed up beyond repair. I feel as if the longer I live the more harm I do to my children. Everyone says there's a purpose for everyone, but I'm not so sure if that's accurate. I sit here and cry my eyes out hoping that one day I'll experience life as a woman. A human. I imagine what it's like going to the store by yourself for a little bit of peace and quiet. I wonder what it's like a lot of times just having myself to worry about.

    The basis for this post was not really to spew all of my personal information for everyone to see. It's late and there's not a lot of people up at night. I really need to get a handle on my emotions before I just give up on myself. I have no feelings in harming anybody else, just myself. The scariest part for me is that if I could find a way to hurt myself without it being painful I probably would have already been gone.

    I sort of rambled a little in my post. I just let the words flow from my fingers. If it's confusing I apologize..
  2. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    Coping with all that by yourself must be incredibly difficult. It's good you've found this site to share some of your feelings. Could you get the children to help you with the chores? And ask your eldest child to babysit whilst you go to the store. It's helpful to children to learn how to do things and take responsibility. Why don't you talk to your doctor about how you're feeling. You do need help and support but you have to ask for or arrange it. Kind regards.
  3. Hey AbionaKatia, greetings.

    As I'm sure everything you said about the way you feel is real, I'm also sure that your children love you and they can't understand all of what you're going thrugh.

    I can't imagine how are you feeling about everything. Yes, maybe you would wait and not have children at such a young age, maybe your life feels meaningless.
    But you know despite of all of that you have those little guys and you love them, and no matter what watching them grow must be su a rewarding experience. They need you, they really do. They have such an strong mother.

    Find ways to make your life interesting, go out to the movies or for a cup of cofee, go and walk in a park, watch movies, find yourself a hobby. That's all you need, I'm sure you'll find the time just to try finding something you like.

    Cheers, hang on... :)
  4. katrina77

    katrina77 Guest

    Hon, I completely understand what you are saying. I am experiencing a lot of what you are going through myself.

    As women, we tend to give of ourselves to everyone around us, our kids, spouses, parents, friends, etc. The one person we usually tend to neglect is ourselves.

    So, we wind up burned out and exhausted. And along the way, we have usually sacrified our dreams so that others can have theirs.

    And then one day we wake up, realize that we will never realize most of our dreams, and that our days have become all exactly the same, and we don't really see any end.

    I'm not really sure how much advice I can offer, as I'm going through this too. I can offer a shoulder and a hug in any case. I'm finding that although the dreams I had when I was younger can no longer come true, I can make new dreams that I can do. I have health issues, so my dreams for the future are limited, but I need to make them. We all need dreams.

    I am also trying to learn that it is okay to be selfish once in a while. Let someone else watch the kids, let the housework go, etc. I'm a perfectionist, so I find this tough, but I'm learning. I need to find things that I do, just for me, even if they are small things.

    I know you want to be independent, but there comes a time when we all have to ask for help. Please get any, and all, the help you can find. You can still be there for your family, but please make sure at least some of your needs are being met as well.

    Happy Mother's Day, I hope things get better for you.
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Have you tried starting a new hobby? I know that it sounds cheesy, but it might be exactly what you need. There are plenty of simple hobbies out there to start. I always recommend exercise, while it is hard, it has long term rewarding effects. Plus you can change up your routine as much as you want. There are plenty of theories on fitness in the world. Another good use of your time might be to learn a new language. I might stray away from a language that your kids are learning as it might look like a desperate plea to spend time with them. However, languages are good, there are plenty of websites and books out there.

    The job part of your story is a very difficult truth. I have a roommate who is in a similar position to you as far as jobs is concerned. He has a masters degree and works at a luggage store. It took the threat of me throwing him out on the street to get him to suck it up and start applying at every job. The world can be a difficult place when you have some degrees. I recommend getting into my industry, the technology industry, you do not even have to know what you are doing to get a job in this industry, we are REALLY impoverished. I can use a person I am working with as an example. This guy has been in the industry at least 5 more years than me and cannot figure out how to write software. He basically sends all of his work to me and sits around and collects a paycheck. To get into the software industry you do not even need to get a degree. You just need to get a few certifications. Most people would be happy to have someone because it is better than having no one.

    Anyway, I hope this helps.
  6. Sophronia

    Sophronia Member

    There are respite care programs for mothers who need to get away for a while. They are normally funded locally rather than federally, so you would have to look up respite care either in your phonebook or conduct a local search on Google. Everyone needs a break. There was one my mother used called the Crisis Nursery. She had three young children and she was Deaf and Black in a time and place where Deaf people, Black people, and women were dealing with discrimination. She was single and had an uphill battle to fight. The Crisis Nursery allowed us to stay a few days.

    I'm not sure how their policies are now, but there is also a downside with using this type of program. My mother used it twice. She didn't realize that she would run the risk of losing us. She just wanted to get herself and her finances together. We were taken away and placed in foster care. So if it is the type of service that allows you to drop off the children, use it sparingly. There are services that work more like pro bono babysitting.

    I would like to type more, but my computer keyboard is not working correctly at the moment.
  7. AbionaKatia

    AbionaKatia Member

    Hey Theodora. I ask the children to help quite often, but it's becoming more of a task to ask them to help. I get the usual, "why do you make us clean all the time" or "I don't like you"
  8. AbionaKatia

    AbionaKatia Member

    Theodora, I apologize. I didn't have a chance to finish what I needed to say before hitting reply prematurely. I'm scared to talk to my doctor because I do have children I don't want them taken from me.
  9. AbionaKatia

    AbionaKatia Member

    I appreciate your response. My degrees are in graphic design & 3d animation and network engineering.
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