I'm new to the site and this is pretty much the only site I've found that will really allow me to tell my story. I do have a lot of suicidal thoughts. I have tried talking to friends of mine, including my spouse. I'm don't think anyone is listening. How I got to this mindset is long and exhausting. You see, I've tried to be independent. I've tried taking care of my children on my own without any financial help. I've tried committing my entire life to them without question. They are such wonderful children and all have a beautiful outlook on life. I am so completely proud of the little people they've become (14, 10, 8 and 6). BUT in the process of having these wonderful beings I have allowed myself to get so deep into my mind that I'm having a hard time getting out of it. I always wanted more out of my life (as much as I love being a mother). I wanted to be someone and have this wonderful story to tell one day. I wanted to take vacations with or without my children or spouse. I wanted to complete all of those things that we have on our bucket lists. I'm burnt out on life. Life at this point is so redundant. I'm a spontaneous person and I'm living a life that is so repetitive it drives me crazy. My life really is surrounded by constant cleaning, bill paying and errand running. There isn't much more I can say other than that. I even have a hard time keeping up with the house and bills and maintaining some sort of relationship with my spouse. I haven't always been this way. There was a time when I had 3 children under 5. I was attending college full time and was on the President's List at school. I was able to do it all. But I'm not that person anymore. I got a divorce from my childrens father who was bipolar. After that I never gained traction. I gained 35 pounds, could not find a job, had to let my children live with my prior mother in law while I tried to find a place to live. The biggest blow was when I desperately applied for a commission job at a furniture store - and was turned down. I had 6 years of college and yet, to this day I cannot find a single person to hire me. I rarely sleep. I usually go to bed about 3am and wake back up at 6am to get the kids ready for school. I miss having something to look forward to. My husband is away on work 6 days every week and I see him about 50 days out of the year. Everything falls on my shoulders. I'm tired. I'm so tired. There are times when I feel like I'm in prison. I seriously envy those in solitary confinement. I'd give anything to wake up in the morning and all of the housework be done. Just one day in my lifetime. I wished I had family and friends nearby, but I don't. They all live about 200 miles away. Everyone always says I have 4 reasons to live. I agree, these children need me. If there was a reason to live then it should be for them. But what everyone doesn't see is the life I can't give them. I'm not referring to material things. I'm talking about patience and devotion. I'm at home with them 24 hours a day and 365 days out of the year. There is no one to help. at. all. Aside from being a parent and not being able to find a job. I'm living with the abuse of my daughter that occurred at her fathers home by a 10 year old neighborhood boy. I have filed protective orders, both were dismissed. I was told to modify child custody. Which is a great idea if I could afford the 2500.00 retainer fee. I've spoken to the police. I've spoken to magistrates and clerks at the courthouse. I've even filed an emergency petition to temporarily suspend visitation, which was also denied since another state had control over the papers for 3 years. My daughter was taken advantage of in a way that no little girl should be taken advantage of. When she came home from her dad's I found out. I have failed her. It was my job to make sure she was safe, even if she were at her fathers home. She won't ever have the innocence she was born with and for that I am numb. I simply can't get anyone to listen to me and I keep having to send her back to her fathers home because I can't afford to keep her safe. I got pregnant at 17 (I am 33 now). I really messed my life up from the very beginning. If I had been more responsible with my life my child would not be sacrificing for it now. I don't like wallowing in my own self pity, which is what I feel like I'm doing. A lot of people made read this and think it's really no big deal, but to me.. it's all I have. My children. I don't have a marriage to envy. In fact, I'm on my 3rd marriage at 33 years of age. I have done all of this to myself. No one is to blame but me. I don't know if I can continue to live a life that I have messed up beyond repair. I feel as if the longer I live the more harm I do to my children. Everyone says there's a purpose for everyone, but I'm not so sure if that's accurate. I sit here and cry my eyes out hoping that one day I'll experience life as a woman. A human. I imagine what it's like going to the store by yourself for a little bit of peace and quiet. I wonder what it's like a lot of times just having myself to worry about. The basis for this post was not really to spew all of my personal information for everyone to see. It's late and there's not a lot of people up at night. I really need to get a handle on my emotions before I just give up on myself. I have no feelings in harming anybody else, just myself. The scariest part for me is that if I could find a way to hurt myself without it being painful I probably would have already been gone. I sort of rambled a little in my post. I just let the words flow from my fingers. If it's confusing I apologize..