"It will get better." "We love you, don't do it." "If you wait and think about it, it would go away." "There is always help." "There must be another way." "You don't have to do this." Those things above are some stereotypical phrases or encouragements I hear people say to suicidal ones. But let me tell you this. Misery loves company. Those above words are all sugar coated ways of saying "Oh, you're not going to get the easy way out. You're going the suffer just like the rest of us." Some of the people may disagree, but this is my view. As I see it, the world is coming to an end. You see as the generations go by, human beings get worse and worse, producing more trash and ingrates as the times go by. The governments are going down the drain, and humans are using up their resources faster then they can replenish them. It worries me as I see this, I for one do not want to live in a world full of human trash and racist idiots. I for one do not see hopes for improvement, or so called "light" at the end of the tunnel. Now this does not mean I'm blaming everyone for my suicide, I'm just taking the easy way out, although for some people such act would be called "cowardly." But it does not matter, one death won't change the world, actually it would help depopulate this earth of our kind which is over flooding with incredible amount of speed. I may sound like a snobby bastard who thinks high of himself, but this is not true, as I believe this is the fact of the world. But that is only part of the reason I'm standing between that fine line between life and death. People say the suicide feelings go away with time, yet I have not found this to be true, my depression and suicidal emotion has been going around for half a decade, and my will is growing weary. I have yet to come this far and stay alive for the sake of others, as I threw away my life long time ago, and I have no value in the life I hold with me. I held on so long even with the constant whisper that my mind calling for the final act, but I kept myself away from death with reasons such as "My family would be sad," "If I die, won't my funeral and burial cause trouble for my family?" or "People will look down upon my family because of this selfish act I have pulled." But that is all gone now. The final few pillars of will that held me up from the clutches of death have fallen one by one. My brother was the one who first put the crack in that pillar, and my mother was one who weakened it, and my father finally took the whole thing down just within a day. Now no matter how much my family tells me how much they love me, or care about me, I cannot trust them. That gets rid of the reason of "My family would be sad." Then about the cost and troubles of my death, was solved pretty simply as after I have thought about the method of suicide. Tell my family I'm sleeping at a friends, tell my friends that I cannot go, then goto the beach. As the sun sets, swim out into deep waters, and then swim some more. As after going deep enough into the ocean, slit the jugular vein, die, and let the sharks take me body. Fool proof plan, even if I get washed ashore, if I get rid of all my ID and method to trace me, they can't identify who I am. So then one final thing confronted me. Religion. As being raised as a son of a pastor, I was taught strong Christian beliefs, and obviously if you knew the religion it strictly forbids suicide. This kept me going awhile longer. But no prevail. My faith started to waver, and I feel that if I wait any longer I'm going to throw away my religion, and I do not wish to do so. I would rather die then throw my Christianity away, and there problem solved. But I'm human, and like all humans I have doubts and fears. I know I'm already a coward as I'm thinking of a cowards way out of life (aka suicide), so it is embarrassing to say this, but I'm afraid of the pain when that blade hits my neck. That would keep me alive a bit longer, but you can solve the problem of pain very easily with a little help from drugs. I know people who sells drugs, or if I can't get them, I can get drunk off my ass and do it. But out of all this, I guess I cling on to that "What if." What if maybe things will turn out ok, or maybe something can change. But that can again, be easily destroyed by the slightest disturbance, and I don't think that will hold me up much longer either. I though about my dream in life holding me up, but I do not think that is much of a possible dream, so I have also disbanded that thought long time ago. Well, that's it. It has been a long writing/complaining/record or what ever you wish to call it. It is all. But I pray to dear God, for that thin piece of string that is keeping me from suicide, would never break.