Life has no meaning or purpose

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ladycathy1, Aug 7, 2010.

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  1. ladycathy1

    ladycathy1 Active Member

    Hello,
    I know that my life is going to be over soon. I have been very ill. It started in Feb. for four days. May in the hospital for eleven days and then June for six days. I was diagnosed with lymphoma. I am stage three. I have gone through one round of chemotheraphy. I have another one soon. I have tried to be strong. I don't want to let anyone know how depressed I have been. This going back and forth for medical care frays every nerve I had. I have another chemo treatment soon. I have to do a treatment every three weeks for five more sessions. My whole life is over. I have lost all my hair in a short time. I have no life. My husband is deceased and I have a spot next to him. I don't usually let anyone know when I am going to end my life. I failed years ago and ended up with life-support for a few days. I won't fail this time. One thing about cancer is the amout of medication I can get. I have no reason to go on with my life. It ended the day the doctors told me I have lymphoma. Life for me has no meaning or purpose. It is okay if no one responds to my thread. I have a treatment soon. I will have all my things in order. I want it to look natural. I want my death to look like chemo caused it. I have one week before the next treatment. I have to do this for my peace of mind. I am tired of living. Thank you, Cathy
     
  2. necrodude

    necrodude Well-Known Member

    i can understand that you would rather take your own life than suffer in vain, but is the treatment not working? can't it be cured? if it's terminal, i'm sorry. just don't give up hope. it's all we truly have.
     
  3. ladycathy1

    ladycathy1 Active Member

    I have lived with so much pain. Some of the lymph nodes have cancer on both sides of the stomach. I don't have it in the bones. I can't see a better picture to my life. The worst part is how how alone I feel. Depression has always been a battle for me. I have tried to end my life but I am still here.
    I fought depression for a long time. The doctors would put me on something and then take me off my antidepressants. I was taking Pristiq and started feeling like it was working. Cancer diagnosed and the doctors did not give it to me anymore. I have no reason to go on. I feel void of all purpose to my life. I don't want to tell anyone how bad I feel. Everyone keeps telling me I should be feeling great. They are so sure we are going to beat this. I am so alone that I don't feel good anymore. Life is very dark to me.
     
  4. necrodude

    necrodude Well-Known Member

    what about others? what about the hope you can give to others by not quitting. i can't imagine the kind of pain your in, you're right you are going through it alone. but what about those who love you? how much sorrow will they endure knowing you gave up?
     
  5. loser

    loser Well-Known Member

    It is very rough to go through. And chemo makes you depressed.
    Those who are caring for you want you to pull through.
    Treatments have improved and it seems they think you can.
    Your medical team want you to and you are the key member of that team.
    There are cancer helplines and I think you should talk about it. You can talk in confidence about what you feel. It is important that you do so.
    Fight it.
     
  6. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    really dont know what to say lost both me parents to cancer was on pristique too took myself off meds thg um look reckon im dying of something but been to gutless to go tothe doc least ya done tht maybe ya could help others in ya situation i dont know but end of day i do wish the very best for ya as i said mum dad and good friends ive lost i ll pray for ya as i do for all not a god botherer but respect those tht dont deserve the sht cards
     
  7. ladycathy1

    ladycathy1 Active Member

    It is so difficult to talk to others about my depression. I can talk about my type of cancer easier than depression. I have an aggressive cancer. My doctor told me I have a 40% to 50% chance of living through this. I am so afraid of severe pain. What pain I have is already bad. I know you all are right about trying to fight this. Depression has been a battle long before the cancer. I keep thinking how it would be better to end things my way before the cancer makes me suffer. I have a fear of pain. I saw my aunt suffer even with her last breath. I might try and talk to someone. Chemo makes me so weak after I take the treatment. It is one called R-CHOP. I am still debating about what I should do. The next treatment is soon. I find it helps to hear about what others have gone through. Thank you.
     
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Cathy I'm so sorry you are suffering with those 2 horrible diseases..cancer and depression...and i'm sorry you're in pain..
    Have you told the doctors about the depression ..surely they can give you something for it..
    Also are there any online support forums for people with cancer.. you could talk to people in the same boat as you..
    counseling may help if you can afford it...
    I wish you well with the treatments and hope you find the strength to keep fighting..*hugs*
     
  9. ladycathy1

    ladycathy1 Active Member

    Hello,
    I had the second chemo on Friday. I am trying to fight the depression because everyone is right. It would not be fair to my mom, sisters, brothers, neices, and nephews. I fight everyday to not take something to end my life.. I thought the pain was almost over. My pain came back stronger.
    The depression gets severe because the cancer is keeping me homebound. I thought I did not need anyone helping me but I was wrong. Thanks for pointing things out. Cathy
     
  10. cashing_out

    cashing_out Well-Known Member

    My office is next to an Infusion Department and I see cancer patients all the time. Many of them in pain. Chemo is very hard on the body, mind and soul. I am glad you have decided to stay and fight. You never know, they could find a cure in a day. You are in my prayers and please stay positive. It helps more than you think.
     
  11. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Cathy you are a very strong lady and you should be proud of how you are fighting and also for how you don't want to hurt your family...
    I hope the chemo does it's job and you will see an improvement to your pain..
    thanks for updating us....take care.. *hugs*
     
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