It feels so cliche to be here writing my feelings. I write all the time that is my release. but I write them then delete them so no one knows the pain this is the first time I have ever let someone see how I feel I guess it's easier this way since I don't know anyone. I hurt inside, I hurt so bad and no one understands. I'm not some adolesent that hasn't gained the tools to deal with life and bad situations yet. I am a grown woman married with children and the one person that makes me have these bad feelings is my husband. He hurts me with his words . One day I will think I am the luckiest person in the world cause I have him. Then the next day he will tell me I don't deserve him. We have been through alot together and he has changed alot but the one thing I wish I could change the most is I wish I could make him truely love me. If he loved me the way I wished and hoped for he would never want to hurt me he would look at me as an asset to his life insted of a henderance. I lay in bed a night and just cry imagining what kind of life my children would have if I wasn't here I want them to grow up to be happy and healthy I want them to understand that mommy wasn't sick because of anything they did mommy has been sick for a while and it finally got so bad she didn't want to put them through it. My kids know that mommy gets sad more than alot of people and mommy cries all the time but they don't understand. My husband doesn't understand what he does to me on the inside he doesn't understand that he makes me want to die I wish he could forgive me for everything that I do wrong I wish he wasn't embarrased of me. I wished he was attracted to me and wanted to do things with me and for me. Honestly all I want is for him to love me.