Life hurts

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jaznlex77, Sep 6, 2006.

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  1. jaznlex77

    jaznlex77 Member

    It feels so cliche to be here writing my feelings. I write all the time that is my release. but I write them then delete them so no one knows the pain this is the first time I have ever let someone see how I feel I guess it's easier this way since I don't know anyone. I hurt inside, I hurt so bad and no one understands. I'm not some adolesent that hasn't gained the tools to deal with life and bad situations yet. I am a grown woman married with children and the one person that makes me have these bad feelings is my husband. He hurts me with his words . One day I will think I am the luckiest person in the world cause I have him. Then the next day he will tell me I don't deserve him. We have been through alot together and he has changed alot but the one thing I wish I could change the most is I wish I could make him truely love me. If he loved me the way I wished and hoped for he would never want to hurt me he would look at me as an asset to his life insted of a henderance. I lay in bed a night and just cry imagining what kind of life my children would have if I wasn't here I want them to grow up to be happy and healthy I want them to understand that mommy wasn't sick because of anything they did mommy has been sick for a while and it finally got so bad she didn't want to put them through it. My kids know that mommy gets sad more than alot of people and mommy cries all the time but they don't understand. My husband doesn't understand what he does to me on the inside he doesn't understand that he makes me want to die I wish he could forgive me for everything that I do wrong I wish he wasn't embarrased of me. I wished he was attracted to me and wanted to do things with me and for me. Honestly all I want is for him to love me.
  2. helena

    helena Staff Alumni

    hi jaznlex77,
    welcome to the forum.
    I'm a mother of two, divorced my husband of 16 years, tried to make the relationship work for about 3 more, and about 2 years ago I definately broke up with him. I don't think he didn't love me, I think he just loved himself much more. I know where you come from about feeling the less of the two, the one that embarasses the other,I probably heard some of the things he tells you. Also, my only and one worry are my kids, the need they have of a mother, even if your down and sad.... they will understand why in time, when you think it's time to let them know or when they find out for themselves, and that can be pretty soon, I don't know how old your kids are, but kids are very perceptive, as you probably know. But one thing is sure, you are their mother and they need you bad, and no words you should left or say if you leave them will make any substancial difference.
    Above all, you said your husband has changed, so you shouldn't feel guilty, you should never get that feeling like, if I only was good enough....well, you are I am sure, and I hope you convince yourself of that. I know all about seeing my selfestime dive deep under the sealevel but I know if you leave him he probably will beg you to take him back.There's this strange thing about men,I don't know what but I think you have a few options to deal with this; pretend he's not hurting you, that you don't even care about what he thinks ;talk to him about this, and make clear you can't take it anymore and it's ruining your relationship and specially your joy of life; last one, and I know how difficult it is to make that decision.....leave him.
    I think you deserve to be happy,maybe you have goals you want to reach for yourself,even only seen as a mother you need to hold on to life because you want to see your kids grow, graduate, marry, give you grandchildren...and they absolutely need you so much .
    I hope I've been of some help, if not, at least see it as someone who knows more or less what you are dealing with and wants to support you.
    I hope you feel well around here, you now have a place to pour your heart out, knowing that there's people listening and caring.
    Take good care of you
    ps-I see it took me a long time to post:sad:, I started about 45 minutes ago, but motherhood called out all the time :rolleyes:
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 6, 2006
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...does your husband understand the impact of what he says? it is very draining to be with someone who has to demean you...have you tried couples counseling, and if he will not go, have you been in treatment yourself...maybe you can find a way to have a discussion with have to first feel you do not deserve this type of treatment and then seek the support you of luck and please continue to let us know how you are doing...big hugs, Jackie
  4. jaznlex77

    jaznlex77 Member

    It all started when I got pregnant 3 years ago, It was not a planned pregnancy but life happens the day i told him I was pregnant he changed he didn't look at me hug me touch me he was completely repulsed that I was pregnant again. The whole time I was pregnant i was misrable if the baby would kick I would ask him if he wanted to feel sometimes he would and other times he would say no I can't remember one night during those 9 months when he put his arm around me till i fell asleep. This is the time I started keeping a journal He sat in a chair and watched tv in the hospital the whole time I was in labor.We lived life in and out very blah and it got worse and worse everyday he would always make comments about my weight or what i ordered when at a restaraunt. He actually looked at me one day and said "I am embarrased to be seen with you" that is the day I truely died inside.I had numerous talks with him about the way he made me feel, he didn't care. I met someone and had an emotional affair on my husband someone I could talk to, cry to, scream at no matter what he listened. I soon after told my husband I was leaving and he broke down and sobbed and begged me not to go I read him a few select pages from my journal and he cried even harder. I left the following week I spent 6 months away from him and then came back he promised he would change be better love me and respect me. It was a little rocky starting off but things grew better he agreed to go to counceling we tried to talk more and not scream every time we got angry. But when he gets angry he just wants to hurt me today he told me "You don't deserve me you never have" those words took me right back to my little corner that he always puts me in. I feel so insignificant so juvenile because no matter what I know that I will never leave him again because of the kids he is a good father and both of our girls love him and I would rather live a lie and be unhappy than to disrupt my girls again. I love him with all my heart and woudl do anything in the world for him but I am not the same thing to him. I just wanna be happy I suffer from depression and his anger and words just fuel my self loathing and hatred. He doesn't understand what it is like to be sick inside he sees me cry all the time but doesn't understand or want to. I don't know how to make someone love you when they are so dead set on doing the exact opposite
  5. Xian

    Xian Well-Known Member

    If you think you are in prison, it's your duty to break free. It's unfortunate that it has come to this after you've had children. Divorce is a terrible thing to have to go through, but do you think it's better in the long run? Do you think you'll be able to last the rest of their childhood/adolescence/etc.?

    If you do decide to get a divorce please please please do not abanden your children, physically or emotionally. I am a child of divorce and although both of my parents were always present in my life, after the split they were never *there* for me, and after living that way, it led to my depression. So not only should you find a way out of your depression, you need to make sure that your children remain unaffected as much as possible.
  6. jaznlex77

    jaznlex77 Member

    That is why my will to stay and make it work is so great. I am a product of divorce (not blaming everything on that) and my bio father stopped comming around when I was 9 I havn't seen him since and i have just started communicating with him in the last year. I don't want that for my children I want to be a good mother and wife but I just feel like I will never amount to either. I really do appriciate everyone taking the time to worry about my pidley cries thx!
  7. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    i think you should work on yourself and see what happens. If you are stronger and more centered, maybe different ways of communicating will emerge, or different choices can be made...hoping you get the honor you deserve, and most importantly, hoping you give that to yourself...big hugs
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