This is part of an email I wrote to an internet friend a week ago...he didn't respond *sigh*. Don't blame him. Verbal diahhrrea (diohhrrea?...whatev.) imminent. I don't see the point in anything anymore. Original, I know...that's what frustrates me most... you're pissed off at the world, and for a while you feel strangely elite because you can see just how fucked up everything is when everyone else seems so oblivious to it, but then you realise that everyone can see it, but people are just getting on with it regardless. Going blindly, trusting that they will be rewarded for their efforts at the end or something. They're not making such a bloody big deal out of it. You're one of the poor idiots who've gone and taken things too seriously, searching for deeper meaning where there is none, And while you think that somehow you're in a clearer state of mind than all of those people who are actually striving towards something, while you cringe at their 'bullshit' conversations and think they are all brainwashed fools, in reality, you're just as, if not more, foolish. But what does it mean to be foolish, anyway...bah. I tend to overthink everything, my thoughts are so heavy yet so childish, every day, sometimes I just want to scream, or make a big dramatic exit from some classroom, or just tell someone I don't like how horrible I think they are. But that, that would make me a 'bitch', a weirdo.... I hate how I'm limited by language...by these phrases that couldn't possibly articulate precisely what I feel from minute-to-minute, words and sentences that have been worn by all those people who have written or spoken or thought them before me. I wish I had a passion to pour myself into. Hence I make youtube videos, hardly a passion, I know, but I've been trying to make them to serve as pep-talks for myself. I can't really watch them after I make them, though...I feel embarassed about 'em, tbh. Agh. But yeah... I say I don't, but I need to be understood, to fit in, I need so much. The responses I get in relation to those videos make me wonder why everyone is so afraid to just talk about stuff like this in person, unless they're hammered. I've tried bringing up conversations like this but I'm so insecure in myself that I either end up sounding like an idiot, or just pretentious...or the worst thing is, when I try to start talking about something that's been bothering me, people always turn the conversation back to themselves. 'Cause that's what we're good at. I really am tired of starting again- I'm not even really putting in an effort in my new school or going out of my way to get to know people. I realise now I've taken people I loved for granted. All of a sudden I miss everyone and it's too late. I have absolutely no background here with anyone, they don't know anything about me...it's like they perceive me as someone completely different to who I really am, and there's no way I can change their mind...So what's the point, right? What the fuck is the point anymore. Why should I step outside myself and put on this whole ahaha-i'm-so-loud-and-fun act when I'm not? Not at the moment, anyway, that's for sure. I'm broody and I'm sad. A lot less than perfect. A circle trying to fit into a square or something...haha, you've still got your lame-ass jokes and I've still got my shitty metaphors...But okay, I've made a couple of friends, but it's all so goddamn superficial. It's just the new people sticking together because it feels safe. All the 'old' people are assholes anyway. It's like every one of them is clambering on top of the other to reach higher and achieve more, who gives a fuck about those who are left behind, right? Who gives a second thought to those who just can't be bothered because, again, why? Even if I bust my ass to achieve and achieve and achieve, all I get in return is a couple of little signs on a piece of paper which somehow proves that I am now WORTHY. I am, woah, stop the presses, 'educated'. Fit to be let loose into the big bad world. "Motivation is quintessential for this class, students." Well fuck that. And the teachers, god, the teachers....ego's so big that I'm surprised there's enough space in the room for the students...I'm convinced my History teacher actually puts on an English accent to sound more intellectual. But okay, so I can bite my tongue, and just look forward to graduating ...but then what? Then college. And the people will be taller, more refined and more ambitious than high schoolers, but it'll all be drugs, sex, and booze to take away the stress of learning... which is fine, but, I don't know if that's enough for me. I want so much it hurts, but what hurts more is that I don't know what hell it is I want, I just know it isn't what has been mapped out for me. And that may be naive but fuck it, I've tried to fit in, but I can't, I just can't. It all just seems so fake to me. So staged, so forced...Befriend the teacher and you'll get good grades, join the sports clubs to gain friends, whatever you do, don't, don't, don't stop smiling. I've considered going to the counsellor again, but the one in my new school is one of those people with an unintended patronising but-oh-so-understanding smile on his face, who would sit and listen to you, and nod and smile, pass you tissues and feed you all those well-practiced lines and expressions which make you tired just looking at them. Because you can sense how many people have been in their office before you, spilling their hearts, and finding the teacher unphased and understanding, maybe even regurgitating still darker thoughts, trying to shock this man sitting before them, but to no avail, because the fact is, he already knows these thoughts, can predict what's about to fall out of your mouth, because we're all the bloody same, aren't we? 6 billion brains all thinking, thinking, thinking. Recycling the same bloody thoughts. I don't know why I can't just accept this. I don't know why I'm so angry. What am I angry at anyway? I'm sure if the world was different, I'd be bitching about it all the same. 'Without an enemy your anger gets confused'. I'm way too young to be having dark days like this. Plus, I really could have it so, so much worse. Why have I been this cynical and numb and hopeless for over a year now? I sabotage myself everytime it looks like things are getting better. Maybe I'm just scared of success...'cause fixing yourself up and talking yourself into a newfound confidence because it must, MUST be better than this shit...it's a leap of faith. You'll probably just end up where you started, worse off than before, because you've tried and failed, proving yourself to be inadequate. So why bother? *sigh* /end rant.